i think, that to release the blame stereotypes leads to a sigh of relief and to inner peace feeling. on the other hand I agree that a man needs to have some unfinished and therefore imperfect sort of boundaries. but mainly I thank for the inspiration
Ok- I have this problem:
how about if all you’ve heard for 40 yrs is about their pain and their awful past….. if you have no feelings of compassion for them whatsoever, as they are shallow in their feelings for my (or anyone’s) experiences…. i believe that at this point, there’s very little room & little satisfaction available for showing mutual care & concern.
Don’t know what to even DO with it if I should receive it.
I’d be a happier, less judgemental person.
I’d be able to let go of my anger better.
I’d feel free and not so “bound up.”
I’d be less self critical.
I’d have less anxiety and be able to relax better.
Thank you so very much for this beautiful sharing and guidance! This, for me, may be the most important shift of living my life, it opens doors, brings inner peace and more joy into everyday life. I also want to mention that your voice and cadences are most reassuring to my nervous system, Tara, they convey hope and peace to me. With my gratitude, G.
Marsha Mathews, PsyD, Psychotherapy, Wildomar, CA, USAsays
I loved the “u-turn” concept and the need for a shift. The dog with a leg in a trap concept was also great…to begin to see those hurting with the trap can initiate compassion. I also liked the meditation exercise with my hand on heart and the healing process that followed. Thank you Tara Brach!
Thank you. With the loss of my spouse and my mother-in-law to COVID, and now my son with long COVID and cancer, your message has helped me to make a U turn.
Heather Swenson, Another Field, Roseville, MN, USAsays
I so appreciate the acknowledgement that there are times when we are not ready for a u turn because of trauma in relationships. Getting to a greater place of freedom is a process. I was able to set aside a traumatic relationship for the moment and then look at another relationship in which I have cast blame on the other person. In shifting from blame to focusing on my experience of pain with this person helped me soften. I teared up as I recounted how I felt. I offered myself compassion and it felt like a taste of grace. It’s what my heart longs for and I can see how easily I get caught up in the blame rather than tending to the pain within me crying for love and compassion. Thank you Tara and NICABM for making these videos availabile.
The “U” turn away of blame and focusing on myself is so very important and something I having been learning to do. Who would I be is a more loving and accepting person (of myself and others). Thank you Tara.
I know that I would be more open to other’s vulnerability as I become more accepting of my own vulnerability. Thinking that I have to have it all together by keeping myself in line with harsh judgments, has not worked as I thought it would. What a surprising and insightful awareness. WOW I just wish it hadn’t taken me this long. OOPS another self-judgment. Thank you Tara for your heartfelt teachings. Martha from Beaverton, OR
In my work at a hospital, I meet a lot of very elderly people. Many of them are hardened and unpleasant, saying things that are considered hurtful to others and inappropriate. Often my first instinct is to “set them straight”, but then I pause and try to see things from their point of view. Maybe life has treated them poorly? This allows me to treat them with compassion, and often the person softens and is able to engage in a more meaningful way. Certainly not life changing but for the moment I get a patient who is more open and vulnerable and much more pleasant to work with. At the end of day day I go home full – full of passion and love for my work and the experiences I get to have.
Thank you Tara. All roads to healing begin with self-compassion which leads to greater understanding and compassion for others. I think of it as a way to open space in one’s heart in order to move forward towards more joy and peace in one’s life. Meditation is a powerful tool for this process.
I have a teenage son with special needs. I find that I have a lot of anger over it — over the work and exhaustion that comes with parenting him, the effect it has on my ability to be present with patience towards him and my other children, and a protective type of anger regarding what my son has to deal with in life (and all the things that will be very difficult for him). I also add that “second arrow” of guilt/shame because I feel like I “shouldn’t be” angry — that it doesn’t accomplish anything and that there’s no one to be mad at.
So when I do this exercise, which I really like — the one where I picture a situation where I feel angry or wronged somehow — I find it difficult to U-turn because in this situation, about whom exactly am I changing my story? Who is it that has their leg in a trap? If my anger can’t be directed at anyone (& I don’t believe in a god), what blame am I U-turning from?
Thank you for this series. I’ve enjoyed it a lot. (And I’m currently doing the Conscious Loving course, which I am gleaning a lot from.)
You are dealing with significant chronic stress. of course you have anger! Having worked with parents of special needs children in a school setting for many decades, you have my utmost respect for all you do everyday. I have been humbled over and over by the level of dedication and tremendous loving concern that I was privileged to witness in families like yours.
It’s great you are doing what you can do to get the support you need and address the emotions that go along with the situation.
Lastly, I cannot imagine trying to parent a Special needs child without the help of a Higher Power or God or something outside of yourself to believe in! God is not the author of your pain, but He is available to strengthen you and walk with you through it. God helped me through many difficult times raising my highly impacted child as a single Mom.
Laurie Rosner, Health Education, new york, NY, USAsays
I would stop blaming my alcoholic single mother for destroying my happiness and freedom to choose a partner by dominating and abusing me my entire life, interfering with marriage plans and other key decisions. She just died recently at the age of 105, and I’m still finding her written diaries full of malice and blame for her suffering with a “disturbed” daughter all her life. Such lies and distortions of the truth are everywhere, in her journals and writings as well as stories she told her friends in AA. How do I stop feeling so angry and upset?
I would feel sweet and carefree and experience knowing I have time, all of the time I need; all of the time and space ‘in the world’.
The U turn concept reminded me of a recent glimmer of logic which recently passed through me: I could see some difference between victim/self pity/anger and resentment mode and recognising that in actual fact my experiences as a child could only have caused such damage, and resulting mental and emotional illness/distortion; I didn’t seek out these experiences, but had them imposed on me by what ever cause and effect was present at the time with my parents etc.
Amazing thanks .
Most of my life my heart has been wounded both by father growing up then 37 year abusing husband. His last words were” you go ahead and leave, but I will get the farm and our 8kids…” which he successfully did with support of the church. Now remarried, on the farm, he also enjoys my 18 grandchildren
I live isolated and alone afraid of my own anger towards person in position and power over another human being.
It helped me so much to get in touch wit what somebody has made me feel and to reassure myself , that I wasn’t those things I thought I was. It helped me realize that the person who has hurt me, is deeply depressed and is battling anger all the time, and they are trying to stay afloat, when they say what they say, it is because , they are not thinking, and also want us to know what it feels like to be hurt and helpless .
I don’t want to be a person who looks the other way at wrong-doings (e.g., racist/antiSemitic comments and acts, maltreatment). I’ve spent a lot of time in politics and have seen many people walking through life with one eye closed bc it benefits their personal, political,or financial aspirations. Sometimes, it’s a responsibility to hold people accountable and that often requires judging their behavior and blaming them for consequential damages.
Thank you for showing me the best way to approach this ongoing conflict w my husband – approaching w compassion instead of resentment seems to be the key!
Free
More present, open. Better parent and partner and daughter. I would enjoy more in life – not always saying no first.
i think, that to release the blame stereotypes leads to a sigh of relief and to inner peace feeling. on the other hand I agree that a man needs to have some unfinished and therefore imperfect sort of boundaries. but mainly I thank for the inspiration
My True Self
I’d be fun and energetic and excited to plan to try new things .
My heart would be more open to those whos views I disagree with or who I flat out just can’t comprehend.
these videos are great. I would love to do the longer workshop. thank you ❤️
In the space of letting go, I could let it all be.
Be less anxious.
Free, light, joyous.
Ok- I have this problem:
how about if all you’ve heard for 40 yrs is about their pain and their awful past….. if you have no feelings of compassion for them whatsoever, as they are shallow in their feelings for my (or anyone’s) experiences…. i believe that at this point, there’s very little room & little satisfaction available for showing mutual care & concern.
Don’t know what to even DO with it if I should receive it.
My comment
Thank you! It’s always good to hear your voice!
Free
I would experience an improved level of serenity.
I would be confident.
I’d be a happier, less judgemental person.
I’d be able to let go of my anger better.
I’d feel free and not so “bound up.”
I’d be less self critical.
I’d have less anxiety and be able to relax better.
Thank you so very much for this beautiful sharing and guidance! This, for me, may be the most important shift of living my life, it opens doors, brings inner peace and more joy into everyday life. I also want to mention that your voice and cadences are most reassuring to my nervous system, Tara, they convey hope and peace to me. With my gratitude, G.
I loved the “u-turn” concept and the need for a shift. The dog with a leg in a trap concept was also great…to begin to see those hurting with the trap can initiate compassion. I also liked the meditation exercise with my hand on heart and the healing process that followed. Thank you Tara Brach!
I relate to the U turn and believe in the importance to understand oneself take ownership and have self compassion and compassion for others.
A free human
A free spirit
A free soul
Free to live
Free to create
Free to be
I’d be lighter and more free to experience the wonder and beauty of life in this human form and on this planet.
I love the image of the dog with his leg caught in a trap to help us envision the woundedness of another.
Thank you. With the loss of my spouse and my mother-in-law to COVID, and now my son with long COVID and cancer, your message has helped me to make a U turn.
Wonderful – thank you! This is very helpful.
Connecting with me and others in a loving way.
I so appreciate the acknowledgement that there are times when we are not ready for a u turn because of trauma in relationships. Getting to a greater place of freedom is a process. I was able to set aside a traumatic relationship for the moment and then look at another relationship in which I have cast blame on the other person. In shifting from blame to focusing on my experience of pain with this person helped me soften. I teared up as I recounted how I felt. I offered myself compassion and it felt like a taste of grace. It’s what my heart longs for and I can see how easily I get caught up in the blame rather than tending to the pain within me crying for love and compassion. Thank you Tara and NICABM for making these videos availabile.
I would be closer to my true self – responding instead of reacting to others are “making me feel”. I can respond from a place of my own core values.
I would be less sad.
Kinder to myself and better in the world
Better to myself and better in the world
muchas gracias
I would be open
The “U” turn away of blame and focusing on myself is so very important and something I having been learning to do. Who would I be is a more loving and accepting person (of myself and others). Thank you Tara.
The best of me, connected to my heart.
I know that I would be more open to other’s vulnerability as I become more accepting of my own vulnerability. Thinking that I have to have it all together by keeping myself in line with harsh judgments, has not worked as I thought it would. What a surprising and insightful awareness. WOW I just wish it hadn’t taken me this long. OOPS another self-judgment. Thank you Tara for your heartfelt teachings. Martha from Beaverton, OR
Thank you.
In my work at a hospital, I meet a lot of very elderly people. Many of them are hardened and unpleasant, saying things that are considered hurtful to others and inappropriate. Often my first instinct is to “set them straight”, but then I pause and try to see things from their point of view. Maybe life has treated them poorly? This allows me to treat them with compassion, and often the person softens and is able to engage in a more meaningful way. Certainly not life changing but for the moment I get a patient who is more open and vulnerable and much more pleasant to work with. At the end of day day I go home full – full of passion and love for my work and the experiences I get to have.
Thank you Tara. All roads to healing begin with self-compassion which leads to greater understanding and compassion for others. I think of it as a way to open space in one’s heart in order to move forward towards more joy and peace in one’s life. Meditation is a powerful tool for this process.
I have a teenage son with special needs. I find that I have a lot of anger over it — over the work and exhaustion that comes with parenting him, the effect it has on my ability to be present with patience towards him and my other children, and a protective type of anger regarding what my son has to deal with in life (and all the things that will be very difficult for him). I also add that “second arrow” of guilt/shame because I feel like I “shouldn’t be” angry — that it doesn’t accomplish anything and that there’s no one to be mad at.
So when I do this exercise, which I really like — the one where I picture a situation where I feel angry or wronged somehow — I find it difficult to U-turn because in this situation, about whom exactly am I changing my story? Who is it that has their leg in a trap? If my anger can’t be directed at anyone (& I don’t believe in a god), what blame am I U-turning from?
Thank you for this series. I’ve enjoyed it a lot. (And I’m currently doing the Conscious Loving course, which I am gleaning a lot from.)
You are dealing with significant chronic stress. of course you have anger! Having worked with parents of special needs children in a school setting for many decades, you have my utmost respect for all you do everyday. I have been humbled over and over by the level of dedication and tremendous loving concern that I was privileged to witness in families like yours.
It’s great you are doing what you can do to get the support you need and address the emotions that go along with the situation.
Lastly, I cannot imagine trying to parent a Special needs child without the help of a Higher Power or God or something outside of yourself to believe in! God is not the author of your pain, but He is available to strengthen you and walk with you through it. God helped me through many difficult times raising my highly impacted child as a single Mom.
I would stop blaming my alcoholic single mother for destroying my happiness and freedom to choose a partner by dominating and abusing me my entire life, interfering with marriage plans and other key decisions. She just died recently at the age of 105, and I’m still finding her written diaries full of malice and blame for her suffering with a “disturbed” daughter all her life. Such lies and distortions of the truth are everywhere, in her journals and writings as well as stories she told her friends in AA. How do I stop feeling so angry and upset?
I don’t know yet? Maybe just one peacefully-minded me!
I would have more energy available to me…energy to be present the the reality of this moment and also to be more creative and less in survival mode.
I would feel sweet and carefree and experience knowing I have time, all of the time I need; all of the time and space ‘in the world’.
The U turn concept reminded me of a recent glimmer of logic which recently passed through me: I could see some difference between victim/self pity/anger and resentment mode and recognising that in actual fact my experiences as a child could only have caused such damage, and resulting mental and emotional illness/distortion; I didn’t seek out these experiences, but had them imposed on me by what ever cause and effect was present at the time with my parents etc.
Thank you and best wishes,
Susie
Amazing thanks .
Most of my life my heart has been wounded both by father growing up then 37 year abusing husband. His last words were” you go ahead and leave, but I will get the farm and our 8kids…” which he successfully did with support of the church. Now remarried, on the farm, he also enjoys my 18 grandchildren
I live isolated and alone afraid of my own anger towards person in position and power over another human being.
I was able to open my heart to the suffering of the other person and soften.
A joyfull and a person who is not sabotage herself in life
It helped me so much to get in touch wit what somebody has made me feel and to reassure myself , that I wasn’t those things I thought I was. It helped me realize that the person who has hurt me, is deeply depressed and is battling anger all the time, and they are trying to stay afloat, when they say what they say, it is because , they are not thinking, and also want us to know what it feels like to be hurt and helpless .
I don’t want to be a person who looks the other way at wrong-doings (e.g., racist/antiSemitic comments and acts, maltreatment). I’ve spent a lot of time in politics and have seen many people walking through life with one eye closed bc it benefits their personal, political,or financial aspirations. Sometimes, it’s a responsibility to hold people accountable and that often requires judging their behavior and blaming them for consequential damages.
Thank you for showing me the best way to approach this ongoing conflict w my husband – approaching w compassion instead of resentment seems to be the key!
I would be free and heartful and happy!
Aaa
I would be open and free