Thank you for another helpful video. I often blame myself when I’m feeling sadness knowing others have it so much worse. In unhooking from the thoughts, I can tell myself that my sadness does not diminish what others are feeling or going through. I feel it mainly in my chest. Right away, in terms of heart space, I offered myself reassurance, and reminded myself that I am safe and that I a part of, not apart from my family who currently has so much going on. That it’s okay to experience these feelings without attaching blame.
My second arrow is contempt for my irritable and angry side. I get quite triggered these days and contract and shrink hoping that others don’t see this toxic self. My fear is that I’ll turn into my mum – very toxic. Using the practice was a bit quick to establish the turning to the heart but I’ll practice that. Thank you
This seems such a wonderful practice. I have written it down. Now, if only I will remember to look back to my notes often enough that I am able to create a new beautiful habit. Thank you Tara!
Robin Feinberg, Another Field, Westport, CT, USAsays
Hank you, Tara, for this beautiful, clearly and kindly worded guidance of how to lead ourselves out of the vicious cycle of self-criticism and self-blame, to an open acceptance of whatever feelings are present, moving, as you say, from “head, to heart, to heart space.” I struggled with eating disorders from my late-teens to mid-30s, engaging in obsessive long-distance running to purge calories from eating binges after years of starving myself in order to achieve what my mother deemed a higher standard of beauty by being thin. As an adult, I developed a fear of failure and so I held myself back from going after things I really wanted in life, like trying to get my poetry and children’s books published. I got married to a man 2-½ mos after meeting him so my mother wouldn’t have a chance to tell me why I shouldn’t, as she had found some fault (a doctor: “He’s too short”) with so many others, even as she pushed me—not to work on a career after college—but to get married and have children. Even as I was a stay-at-home mom with 4 children 10 yrs apart, my husband and I disagreed on how to parent, and he denigrated me and disempowered me in front of them when I tried to offer the structure and boundaries I had grown up with (not the control).
I started working on self-compassion several years ago the first time I heard Kristen Neff speak, and offer guided practices on self-acceptance. And then I found you and your amazing practice of “R.A.I.N”. Now, instead of beating myself up and blaming myself for not being good enough, I offer myself kindness by saying, “It wasn’t your fault. You did the best you could at the time. You didn’t know what was happening.” The only sadness I have now, as I’m about to turn 70, is that I struggled and suffer through so much of my life, and although I tried to leave my husband 3 times, I’m still married to him, and I have strained relationships with 2 of my 4 children, including effectively what amounts to estrangement by my youngest.
I just want to thank you for offering these practices as a way for me to even attempt to be able to sit with my pain and suffering without the self-blame and self-harming behaviors. (Although for the past couple of yrs I have developed very odd sleeping habits…)
Hi Tara,
You are such a gift to all who suffering self doubt, depression and unworthiness. I thank you for never giving up on us who struggle everyday to get to a better place. You are so generous with your free time and concern for making our lives better day by day.
I will continue the fight with your continual presence.
Namaste
Diane
Shame, blame and judgment do melt as I drop into my body, my heart center. That hypervigilance of “never enough” or the internalized feeling that there’s always something broken to fix, chronically leaves me in a state of pain. The compassion piece is huge and I thank you for being so generous in how you share this truly simple practice.
It takes several (many) repetitions for the head to heart to heartspace video to release the self blame we’re so used to sending with the second arrow after so many years of thinking it gives us control. I will listen many times because it resonates and make sense – even if it’s challenging to let go of this life long pattern.
I get stuck in HOW to feel/stay with the raw pain of loss (in this case a relationship rejection) so that I can get to a place of better coping… even when in this exercise I can offer compassion to this younger me that she isn’t alone and I’m there for her.
Can really use the analogy of myself being the ocean and that the “waves” of negative thoughts and emotions are natural and part of the ocean not requiring criticism or blame. Thank you Tara.
As a long time student/teacher of A Course in Miracles, I have been working on releasing judgment and opening to compassion for many years. The work is on going because the egomind is persistent. In this exercise, I felt forgiveness for myself as the teacher who can still, although less often, fall into the ego’s trap of self-judgment. Compassion, patience and the willingness to engage in this process as needed arise in me. All my feelings were in the heart center. My own tenderness towards myself moves me deeply. Your explanation is simple, straight forward and helpful. I have forwarded the video series link to my students. Thank you kindly.
When I did the exercise, I felt several shifts. First I was aware of an unwanted thought, and was able to focus on where it manifested in my body. Then I open myself to the feelings that were arising physically in my body, and sat with them. Which shifted things because I was able to show up for myself, in a different deeper way. And once I was sitting with the feelings, I was able to get in touch with a part of myself that offered love and understanding and acceptance which caused a deeper shift and brought in healing.
I like the idea of head, heart & heart space. I think it will take me a good while to master it. l like the idea of being caring to myself. Ill try it. Thank you for your input.
Colleen Goidel, Another Field, Hoboken, NJ, USAsays
Massaging the space where my heart is, gently in circles, while reminding myself that I am enough just as I am, helped soften my self judgment and self blame. Thank you.
I really like these analogies. This is a helpful practice that I will use and will also share this with clients. Thank you so much! Many blessings to you!
Personally for me this just brings up too much trauma. Any kind of body thinking/feeling ( especially torso/chest and stomach)and breath work can be overwhelming and re traumatising. This seems to be a common thing for people with trauma, as I have been looking around at other resources/finding out about other people’s experiences.
I don’t know if this is just people who have been assaulted physically.
George Jacobs, Counseling, Kerhonkson, NY, USAsays
I have “understood” this process in my mind for a long time and now realize through this video that I’m forgetting to put it into practice all the time. The self-condemning thoughts are relentless and I must be equally relentless in my practice so that they don’t keep me locked in anxiety, depression and limbic freeze.
What a brilliant revelation- being able to sit with the feelings and offer self-compassion (and realise that’s what has been denied, despite external reassurances!) is a mindset transformation.
The 2nd arrow is key. Hard to realise how automatic it becomes…
I felt braver and gave myself credit for trying new things. I acknowledged that I will feel anxiety and that it’s ok and I will get through it and grow.
I have felt my mood has changed for the better, less gloomy and more optimistic, but I know it’s going to require constant effort,but better positive effort rather than negative rumination.
To Silence the Voice of Self-Judgement: This one might take a while. Ok, I can see myself stepping out in a new behavior, but I have some anxiety. My neighbor may criticize my anxiety. I immediately agree with my neighbor: She’s right. I shouldn’t express weakness. I judge myself and retreat from my new behavior. So, instead I could have compassion on myself. Yes, I am being courageous and expressing new creative activity. It is ok to feel anxiety. I can be myself, with my anxiety, letting go of what others think about me, letting go of what my inner critic thinks about me. I can just feel my new behavior and my accompanying anxiety and proceed. Not retreat. Not deflect. Not defend. Something like that.
Liked the ocean and waves metaphor. I can see where a pause is needed and how to expand hope and healing through heart space.
Thank you for another helpful video. I often blame myself when I’m feeling sadness knowing others have it so much worse. In unhooking from the thoughts, I can tell myself that my sadness does not diminish what others are feeling or going through. I feel it mainly in my chest. Right away, in terms of heart space, I offered myself reassurance, and reminded myself that I am safe and that I a part of, not apart from my family who currently has so much going on. That it’s okay to experience these feelings without attaching blame.
Having few very simple steps helps. Tnx
The image of shooting a second arrow at myself when feeling insecure, is helpful.
Very useful practices for myself and clients. Self-compassion is the key. Thank you.
Wonderful images, thank you for the practice
I reduce my expectations that everything must be perfect now. I liked the metaphor of the ocean and its waves. Thank you
This is av very good practic. I have a lot of self judment and I haven`t know how to prosess it – so thanks!
The ocean and waves really resonated. Thanks for the analogy.
My second arrow is contempt for my irritable and angry side. I get quite triggered these days and contract and shrink hoping that others don’t see this toxic self. My fear is that I’ll turn into my mum – very toxic. Using the practice was a bit quick to establish the turning to the heart but I’ll practice that. Thank you
This seems such a wonderful practice. I have written it down. Now, if only I will remember to look back to my notes often enough that I am able to create a new beautiful habit. Thank you Tara!
I blame myself for something I really regret and its consequences. This simple practice makes sense, I’m going to keep working with it. Thank you
Hank you, Tara, for this beautiful, clearly and kindly worded guidance of how to lead ourselves out of the vicious cycle of self-criticism and self-blame, to an open acceptance of whatever feelings are present, moving, as you say, from “head, to heart, to heart space.” I struggled with eating disorders from my late-teens to mid-30s, engaging in obsessive long-distance running to purge calories from eating binges after years of starving myself in order to achieve what my mother deemed a higher standard of beauty by being thin. As an adult, I developed a fear of failure and so I held myself back from going after things I really wanted in life, like trying to get my poetry and children’s books published. I got married to a man 2-½ mos after meeting him so my mother wouldn’t have a chance to tell me why I shouldn’t, as she had found some fault (a doctor: “He’s too short”) with so many others, even as she pushed me—not to work on a career after college—but to get married and have children. Even as I was a stay-at-home mom with 4 children 10 yrs apart, my husband and I disagreed on how to parent, and he denigrated me and disempowered me in front of them when I tried to offer the structure and boundaries I had grown up with (not the control).
I started working on self-compassion several years ago the first time I heard Kristen Neff speak, and offer guided practices on self-acceptance. And then I found you and your amazing practice of “R.A.I.N”. Now, instead of beating myself up and blaming myself for not being good enough, I offer myself kindness by saying, “It wasn’t your fault. You did the best you could at the time. You didn’t know what was happening.” The only sadness I have now, as I’m about to turn 70, is that I struggled and suffer through so much of my life, and although I tried to leave my husband 3 times, I’m still married to him, and I have strained relationships with 2 of my 4 children, including effectively what amounts to estrangement by my youngest.
I just want to thank you for offering these practices as a way for me to even attempt to be able to sit with my pain and suffering without the self-blame and self-harming behaviors. (Although for the past couple of yrs I have developed very odd sleeping habits…)
yes, my inner critic needs to be acknowledged and
disabled
I found it instilled hope that there is a way out of the condemnation trap. Thank You.
I got out of my head there a little. This will take some practice, but it makes sense.
I like it! Unhook, open your heart and offer kindness, yes!
I felt calmness in my mind and body when I dropped into my heart space.
Hi Tara,
You are such a gift to all who suffering self doubt, depression and unworthiness. I thank you for never giving up on us who struggle everyday to get to a better place. You are so generous with your free time and concern for making our lives better day by day.
I will continue the fight with your continual presence.
Namaste
Diane
Shame, blame and judgment do melt as I drop into my body, my heart center. That hypervigilance of “never enough” or the internalized feeling that there’s always something broken to fix, chronically leaves me in a state of pain. The compassion piece is huge and I thank you for being so generous in how you share this truly simple practice.
stuck in head space of failure
I appreciate the 3 steps of unhooking from thoughts, opening to feelings and offering kindness…works for self and others!
I received a sense of curiosity or maybe I should call it an awakening of realizing that I have been depending on my spouse to complete my happiness.
It takes several (many) repetitions for the head to heart to heartspace video to release the self blame we’re so used to sending with the second arrow after so many years of thinking it gives us control. I will listen many times because it resonates and make sense – even if it’s challenging to let go of this life long pattern.
I put my hand on my heart and told myself: You are OK, girl, it’s OK to be you. And little Marisa took me by the hand and we walked on together.
Changing the perspective from head to heart to heart space, feels so liberating from having to be judgmental towards myself or someone else.
There was more ease and hope and feeling that I do matter.Thank you for this wonderful gift.
Such a good practice : Head to Heart
I feel it . Can I do this ? Yes, I can 🙏 🩷
I was able to breath much more easily Thank You
I get stuck in HOW to feel/stay with the raw pain of loss (in this case a relationship rejection) so that I can get to a place of better coping… even when in this exercise I can offer compassion to this younger me that she isn’t alone and I’m there for her.
Can really use the analogy of myself being the ocean and that the “waves” of negative thoughts and emotions are natural and part of the ocean not requiring criticism or blame. Thank you Tara.
As a long time student/teacher of A Course in Miracles, I have been working on releasing judgment and opening to compassion for many years. The work is on going because the egomind is persistent. In this exercise, I felt forgiveness for myself as the teacher who can still, although less often, fall into the ego’s trap of self-judgment. Compassion, patience and the willingness to engage in this process as needed arise in me. All my feelings were in the heart center. My own tenderness towards myself moves me deeply. Your explanation is simple, straight forward and helpful. I have forwarded the video series link to my students. Thank you kindly.
The picture with the two arrows is excellent. I have already practised RAIN, which is about the same principle. It calms me an gives me hope.
When I did the exercise, I felt several shifts. First I was aware of an unwanted thought, and was able to focus on where it manifested in my body. Then I open myself to the feelings that were arising physically in my body, and sat with them. Which shifted things because I was able to show up for myself, in a different deeper way. And once I was sitting with the feelings, I was able to get in touch with a part of myself that offered love and understanding and acceptance which caused a deeper shift and brought in healing.
I like the idea of head, heart & heart space. I think it will take me a good while to master it. l like the idea of being caring to myself. Ill try it. Thank you for your input.
Evolving from Tara’s home page to a new horizon.
My heart became more spacious and lighter.
Massaging the space where my heart is, gently in circles, while reminding myself that I am enough just as I am, helped soften my self judgment and self blame. Thank you.
I really like these analogies. This is a helpful practice that I will use and will also share this with clients. Thank you so much! Many blessings to you!
Personally for me this just brings up too much trauma. Any kind of body thinking/feeling ( especially torso/chest and stomach)and breath work can be overwhelming and re traumatising. This seems to be a common thing for people with trauma, as I have been looking around at other resources/finding out about other people’s experiences.
I don’t know if this is just people who have been assaulted physically.
My deep sadness is eased by this process.
I have “understood” this process in my mind for a long time and now realize through this video that I’m forgetting to put it into practice all the time. The self-condemning thoughts are relentless and I must be equally relentless in my practice so that they don’t keep me locked in anxiety, depression and limbic freeze.
What a brilliant revelation- being able to sit with the feelings and offer self-compassion (and realise that’s what has been denied, despite external reassurances!) is a mindset transformation.
The 2nd arrow is key. Hard to realise how automatic it becomes…
Thank you!
sad for knowing the second arrow for such a long while and looking forward to be more and more with the waves
I gave myself a hug.
I Feel release in the solar plexus, energy on the top of my head wich I know are positive signs for me
I felt braver and gave myself credit for trying new things. I acknowledged that I will feel anxiety and that it’s ok and I will get through it and grow.
I have felt my mood has changed for the better, less gloomy and more optimistic, but I know it’s going to require constant effort,but better positive effort rather than negative rumination.
I love the image of the arrow and felt the exercise helped me to feel where I hold my judgement and to sit with it and relax
To Silence the Voice of Self-Judgement: This one might take a while. Ok, I can see myself stepping out in a new behavior, but I have some anxiety. My neighbor may criticize my anxiety. I immediately agree with my neighbor: She’s right. I shouldn’t express weakness. I judge myself and retreat from my new behavior. So, instead I could have compassion on myself. Yes, I am being courageous and expressing new creative activity. It is ok to feel anxiety. I can be myself, with my anxiety, letting go of what others think about me, letting go of what my inner critic thinks about me. I can just feel my new behavior and my accompanying anxiety and proceed. Not retreat. Not deflect. Not defend. Something like that.