Very meaningful and insightful. I have deep resentment and anger toward one of my close relatives whose behavior is horrible, to say the least. I know very well this person will never change. But I have to change, take the U turn and let go of my resentment : otherwise, I will not be at peace.
I felt a glimpse of connection, but your voice, your sharing, these insights have created a safe, kind, realistic (achievable threw a lot of hard work and perseverance) path to follow to achieve the level of connection that you are describing, that would ultimately lead peace to my inner self. I admire your reflection of your teaching and deeply wish that I could integrate a piece of it while I’m achieving or constructing my true self. Thank you very much!
Namaste,
Lovely technique, thank you.
Making it safe to feel the hurt that often lies underneath anger and blame, and lavishing compassion on oneself are keys that sooth emotional pain, whatever it’s source.
If anyone reading this would like some free help, please check out: http://www.holisticdivorcecounseling.com. Despite the name, it provides 100% free support, resources and comfort for all life’s issues and transitions, not just the cosmic hazing of divorce. No ads and nothing for sale. Please share it with anyone who might benefit.
Thank you for sharing this. I’m a therapist who has come to believe that this work (of turning inward and practicing radical compassion, whether through RAIN or internal family systems (IFS)) is at the heart of healing.
So lovely i had so much anger towards my parents for forcing me to be a right handed person instead of a a natural left handed. I know that they were scared that in the traditional society I come from being left handed reduces a woman’s marriage quotient.
Thank you for this. I hold on to blame so ferociously because, as you said, I feel the other person will not acknowledge the hurt or change their behaviour. That type of thinking gets me nowhere. I will keep trying these practices when I feel the anger and frustration. Thank you again.
Thank you so much for these lessons, insights and messages! Could not have been better timed – totally love (and kinda surprised at) the connection I felt in my heart to your words – thanks so much!
Although the first two videos in this series were helpful, I found this one particularly well done. The application of the tools with “Stefan” was very useful.
I would be kinder, softer, more open and able to connect more readily to other humans beings ..be fully myself. I have spent most of my seven decades like Stefan finding it hard to forgive others and blaming myself. My intention is to change and this difficult year has given time to look at this more deeply .
Dearest Tara, I have learned with you directly at the Psychotherapy Networker
Conferences since the first time you presented and every time since. I have read your books and brought your kind compassionate wisdom to my dear patients and have allowed RAIN to flow. Yet today something awe-filled happened, u-turn and all. The armor softened, perhaps dissolving. Who I can now be is my true authentic self. Thank you, Tara!
Thank you so much. It’s hard as my brain starts saying “but” and wants to stay in the victim role. I want to move forward. I keep doing it and I am very thankful for your commitment. From my heart.
Thank you – I have done so much reflection these past 20 years of sobriety through the 12 step model. I also have spent years studying yoga and am a certified yoga therapist. I specialize in working with developmental trauma and complex ptsd populations. So much of my work has been to first cultivate compassion for me and all my parts. Recently – during this pandemic I have cycled back to my teen years. I did a lot of hurt to my teen self because I did not have healthy tools to self regulate and self soothe. I used every external strategy I could find to feel better. It is so interesting how this teen part is still the most active and destructive in my psyche. I imagine I could practice seeing her vulnerability and do a u-turn from her story and tenderly love her. I have tried do this in many ways and I suspect as you said it’s a practice and takes time….I have an impatient part now who is a bit sick of the teen – I will keep working with her as I also hug my little ones. I say to myself daily “all parts are welcome.” Thanks for listening ❤️
I loved this perspective. I do look at things in this way but it was different as I really allowed for introspection and radical compassion for myself. I realize I forgive others and give them grace more than myself.
I’m caught in a power struggle with my teenage son, that is fueled by this deep, inner desire to get HIM to change (so he develops insight, self-regulation, etc). This practice helped me recognize the judgement in this approach and start to accept him for who he is. I want to do more of this.
Namaste Tara; I love your calm voice……. I did Louise Hay mirror work years ago and it taught me to love myself deeply, my parents were wonderful and taught all their children we were gifts and we grew up loving ourselves and each other. I feel blessed and found it challenging to understand why other people outside of our family had such loathing of themselves. It saddens me. I teach Yoga and have used some of your teachings to help my participants into self love through compassion. I just found out that my sister’s son who now lives in Nova Scotia has very deep self loathing and is splitting up with his girlfriend as she is tired of trying to sooth him out of his many depressions. They have a young son who he adores but he has such dark periods, his father was very verbally abusive to this nephew of mine. I still do not know the full extent of it but my sister could not take it and left her children and fled when they were young teens. Her daughter had ovarian cancer when she was in her early twenties and after surgery to remove a grapefruit size tumor and one of her falopian tubes – they did not know if she would have children. She had a short marriage after that ended due to her inability to drop her armor developed from verbal abuse by her father and her mom leaving them. Miracles do happen as she met a very loving guy and she got pregnant and now they have a healthy baby boy. My sister has reunited with her grown children (she is remarried and happy now). I would like to email this series to my nephew in the hope that he would join your upcoming course. How long will these 3 videos be available. I need to get his email before I can send them. My husband feels that we should reach out to him. My nephew has struggled with his sexual orientation as well. He is very confused and sometimes suicidal. We live in Ontario and with Covid lockdowns it is not possible to travel in person. I do not blame my sister. I only wish she had confided in our family. I feel sad for my nephew and how he and his sister grew up without us knowing till years later. My sister has many regrets and still can not open up about it. How can I help ? suggestions please….
These were all very useful. And I love the fact that the power is in my hands and I get to re-emerge as a result. Thank you Tara. I love your work and your voice.
I could do without the music though. I deepen when there is silence. With love, Heather
I’ve been in recovery for two years. I feel that my fixation on shameful/painful/embarrassing situations in my past (some of these go back 40 years!) is holding me back from true contentment. I no longer have alcohol to push these things out of my mind, so I need new skills to help me embrace the positive in the now and forgive myself for stuff that really isn’t all that terrible, but seems to supersede all the good that is in my life. I think if I can conquer this issue, I can be a much more productive and positive person.
Thank you Tara – I have listened and watched so many of your teachings – ‘thank you’ doesn’t quite describe my deepest gratitude for your loving kindness and offerings of such deep wisdom, care and guidance.
I especially love the offering of ‘u-turn’ and your description of how we tend to hold on to the unhappiness of what we know rather than trusting the unknown. I have walked this path many, many years ago and know it very well. My u-turn occurred during my path towards mindfulness and the freedom I discovered therein. Gratefully you have been a deeply appreciated and valued guide on my continued path. Namaste.
Shifted my feelings of blame to aturning to my own experience and what enmerged was a sadness for the sense of lack of what I need and want in my primary relationship. Could later see what happened for my spouse in his upbringing that is a big part of why he acts the way he does. (His leg in the trap experience). Then resistance and older patterns re-appeared. Appreciate this information and practice, thank you….
I will always remember Tara’s book Radical Acceptance (I believe) and her story about having a baby and being in extreme pain. She said to her midwife “there is such pain there must be something wrong”. And her midwife said “there is nothing wrong its just pain.” This changed everything for me and for that and for her I am grateful. These videos were perfect reminders.
David
I liked the process. The U turn is such a helpful technique .
I want to be more compassionate to others, myself, and all beings.
Thank you for these beautiful, profound exercises.
Thank you Tara for such a beautiful piece of work. Every word falls on my ears so gently and the piece you use around the wounded dog is so so powerful.
Ours not to judge!
I could listen to your dulcet tones all day
Thank you with heartfelt blessongs,
Ursula
Ireland
I find the metaphors you share really useful. The leg in the trap, the u-turn- both gave me a concrete visual to use as I work through a nagging sense of disappointment at an outcome involving someone important to me. I plan to return to that brief, yet profound practice as often as I can to assist me in the releasing of blame and judgment toward myself and the other. This has been a wonderful workshop. Thank you so much for the offering.
This practice is fairly new to me but I have done it a few times and find it a very emotional experience, both to feel compassion for myself and to feel it for others in relationships where I’ve been locked into anger and resentment. The more I do the practice, the more I realize the extent to which my own anger toward others often results from my own sense of unworthiness. It will take me a while to unravel all of this, but suffice it to say that I’m finding the practice very revealing.
I always felt worthless and that I didn’t deserve that good job and that loving relationship. And I’ve always struggled just to be happy and confident. If I could let go of blame and judgment I could be a happy content person. I never asked myself why I hang onto it, or what it would look like without it.
I want to thank you for these teachings.
I am more aware of how I inwardly criticize myself, but it’s so deep, I can’t pull up the words. I feel the intonation of the critical words, but often can’t make them out. I’m guessing it will take me time to reach them, or maybe just by exploring the feelings that will be enough to develop the compassion.
There is so much powerful information here. I am 67 and realizing that for most of my life I have not been a very good “fellow” human being. I see so many of my issues described in you talks. I truly want to be a better person, a better friend to my fellowman. I hope your information can help me be that better person, to myself as well as others.
Thank you, john
I’d be a much more peace filled person! Thank you so much for this tremendous workshop. I’m about to listen to it again. Do you have a transcript of it anywhere? ??
Hi Tara, I can see how this practice is useful for people we love. It is very relevant to me at present as I am currently not speaking to my father because he has (a) become a bigotted racist in his old age and (b) he lies and denies comments he made in the recent past, basically trying to change my reality. However, I know he was an abused and neglected child whose father died when he was three and he was raised by a mentally ill mother. The practice made me consider calling him soon.
However, I have a patient currently who is unable to use this technique. His partner cheated on him but after much consideration the patient decided to stay. Interestingly, after two years of hard work on both sides, the patient feels he is able to forgive his partner and the relationship is now actually much better than it was prior to the infidelity. However, the patient is still bothered by the other man at times, he sometimes gets intrusive thoughts of how the other man was plotting to get the partner and he feels a wave of hatred for this man. He wishes to let the anger go and he desperately wishes he could just not be bothered by what happened anymore, since the relationship has become truly equal and happy as a consequence of the pain they went through together. However, the patient has no intention of forgiving the other man as any sort of compassion towards him feels harmful rather than helpful. Any advice you might have to offer this patient? Can one move on without forgiving?
Many thanks for the videos, they were extremely helpful.
Hi Tara, I can see how this practice is useful for people we love. It is very relevant to me at present as I am currently not speaking to my father because he has (a) become a bigotted racist in his old age and (b) he lies and denies comments he made in the recent past, basically trying to change my reality. However, I know he was an abused and neglected child whose father died when he was three and he was raised by a mentally ill mother. The practice made me consider calling him soon.
However, I have a patient currently who is unable to use this technique. His partner cheated on him but after much consideration the patient decided to stay. Interestingly, after two years of hard work on both sides, the patient feels he is able to forgive his partner and the relationship is now actually much better than it was prior to the infidelity. However, the patient is still bothered by the other man at times, he sometimes gets intrusive thoughts of how the other man was plotting to get the partner and he feels a wave of hatred for this man. He wishes to let the anger go and he desperately wishes he could just not be bothered by what happened anymore, since the relationship has become truly equal and happy as a consequence of the pain they went through together. However, the patient has no intention of forgiving the other man as any sort of compassion towards him feels harmful rather than helpful. Any advice you might have to offer this patient? Can one move on without forgiving?
It will be much appreciated to receive the audio recording of the practice in the third video.
Many thanks for the videos, they were extremely beneficial.
I would like to Thank You sooo very much for these teachings. These teachings have been so helpful to me in dealing with the struggles that I face every day. By listening to the teachings, I have been better at slowing down my thought patterns and digging deeper to the root of why I feel less than and different from others. I am so excited for more of these teachings.
The U Turn exceptions would have been helpful to say at the beginning. I love the “being with” a particular emotions and being compassionate with yourself…….such a lovely way to rid ourselves of such harsh judgements.
However; I am not not all that comfortable giving compassion to the psychopaths and sociopaths that wander freely in life causing immeasurable harm. For them……accepting them as “who they are” vs trying to well up compassion for where their life when horribly wrong.
Very meaningful and insightful. I have deep resentment and anger toward one of my close relatives whose behavior is horrible, to say the least. I know very well this person will never change. But I have to change, take the U turn and let go of my resentment : otherwise, I will not be at peace.
I felt a glimpse of connection, but your voice, your sharing, these insights have created a safe, kind, realistic (achievable threw a lot of hard work and perseverance) path to follow to achieve the level of connection that you are describing, that would ultimately lead peace to my inner self. I admire your reflection of your teaching and deeply wish that I could integrate a piece of it while I’m achieving or constructing my true self. Thank you very much!
I found this very enlightening and was pleased to embrace it.
Namaste,
Lovely technique, thank you.
Making it safe to feel the hurt that often lies underneath anger and blame, and lavishing compassion on oneself are keys that sooth emotional pain, whatever it’s source.
If anyone reading this would like some free help, please check out: http://www.holisticdivorcecounseling.com. Despite the name, it provides 100% free support, resources and comfort for all life’s issues and transitions, not just the cosmic hazing of divorce. No ads and nothing for sale. Please share it with anyone who might benefit.
Helpful and sharing with my clients. I like the use of metaphor. Thank you.
Thank you Tara for your gentle and humble pieces of advice!
Thank you for sharing this. I’m a therapist who has come to believe that this work (of turning inward and practicing radical compassion, whether through RAIN or internal family systems (IFS)) is at the heart of healing.
So lovely i had so much anger towards my parents for forcing me to be a right handed person instead of a a natural left handed. I know that they were scared that in the traditional society I come from being left handed reduces a woman’s marriage quotient.
Thank you for this. I hold on to blame so ferociously because, as you said, I feel the other person will not acknowledge the hurt or change their behaviour. That type of thinking gets me nowhere. I will keep trying these practices when I feel the anger and frustration. Thank you again.
Love the process.
I found the U turn very useful, not least because it puts the focus on the only place we can start – with ourselves. Thank you.
I would be a happier and more confident person who would be able to connect easier with people.
I would have a renewed focus on my own inner vision.
Thank you so much for these lessons, insights and messages! Could not have been better timed – totally love (and kinda surprised at) the connection I felt in my heart to your words – thanks so much!
Although the first two videos in this series were helpful, I found this one particularly well done. The application of the tools with “Stefan” was very useful.
Thank you so much!
I would be kinder, softer, more open and able to connect more readily to other humans beings ..be fully myself. I have spent most of my seven decades like Stefan finding it hard to forgive others and blaming myself. My intention is to change and this difficult year has given time to look at this more deeply .
I’d be a really good teacher!
Awesome. Just what I needed!
Dearest Tara, I have learned with you directly at the Psychotherapy Networker
Conferences since the first time you presented and every time since. I have read your books and brought your kind compassionate wisdom to my dear patients and have allowed RAIN to flow. Yet today something awe-filled happened, u-turn and all. The armor softened, perhaps dissolving. Who I can now be is my true authentic self. Thank you, Tara!
Thank you so much. It’s hard as my brain starts saying “but” and wants to stay in the victim role. I want to move forward. I keep doing it and I am very thankful for your commitment. From my heart.
Thank you – I have done so much reflection these past 20 years of sobriety through the 12 step model. I also have spent years studying yoga and am a certified yoga therapist. I specialize in working with developmental trauma and complex ptsd populations. So much of my work has been to first cultivate compassion for me and all my parts. Recently – during this pandemic I have cycled back to my teen years. I did a lot of hurt to my teen self because I did not have healthy tools to self regulate and self soothe. I used every external strategy I could find to feel better. It is so interesting how this teen part is still the most active and destructive in my psyche. I imagine I could practice seeing her vulnerability and do a u-turn from her story and tenderly love her. I have tried do this in many ways and I suspect as you said it’s a practice and takes time….I have an impatient part now who is a bit sick of the teen – I will keep working with her as I also hug my little ones. I say to myself daily “all parts are welcome.” Thanks for listening ❤️
What a shift in perspective this brings about. To love is the greatest gift we can offer ourselves and others. Thank you!
I loved this perspective. I do look at things in this way but it was different as I really allowed for introspection and radical compassion for myself. I realize I forgive others and give them grace more than myself.
I’m caught in a power struggle with my teenage son, that is fueled by this deep, inner desire to get HIM to change (so he develops insight, self-regulation, etc). This practice helped me recognize the judgement in this approach and start to accept him for who he is. I want to do more of this.
Excellent message. It has allowed the beginning of opening up in a positive manner with beneficial outcomes on all levels. Thank you!
Namaste Tara; I love your calm voice……. I did Louise Hay mirror work years ago and it taught me to love myself deeply, my parents were wonderful and taught all their children we were gifts and we grew up loving ourselves and each other. I feel blessed and found it challenging to understand why other people outside of our family had such loathing of themselves. It saddens me. I teach Yoga and have used some of your teachings to help my participants into self love through compassion. I just found out that my sister’s son who now lives in Nova Scotia has very deep self loathing and is splitting up with his girlfriend as she is tired of trying to sooth him out of his many depressions. They have a young son who he adores but he has such dark periods, his father was very verbally abusive to this nephew of mine. I still do not know the full extent of it but my sister could not take it and left her children and fled when they were young teens. Her daughter had ovarian cancer when she was in her early twenties and after surgery to remove a grapefruit size tumor and one of her falopian tubes – they did not know if she would have children. She had a short marriage after that ended due to her inability to drop her armor developed from verbal abuse by her father and her mom leaving them. Miracles do happen as she met a very loving guy and she got pregnant and now they have a healthy baby boy. My sister has reunited with her grown children (she is remarried and happy now). I would like to email this series to my nephew in the hope that he would join your upcoming course. How long will these 3 videos be available. I need to get his email before I can send them. My husband feels that we should reach out to him. My nephew has struggled with his sexual orientation as well. He is very confused and sometimes suicidal. We live in Ontario and with Covid lockdowns it is not possible to travel in person. I do not blame my sister. I only wish she had confided in our family. I feel sad for my nephew and how he and his sister grew up without us knowing till years later. My sister has many regrets and still can not open up about it. How can I help ? suggestions please….
These were all very useful. And I love the fact that the power is in my hands and I get to re-emerge as a result. Thank you Tara. I love your work and your voice.
I could do without the music though. I deepen when there is silence. With love, Heather
I’ve been in recovery for two years. I feel that my fixation on shameful/painful/embarrassing situations in my past (some of these go back 40 years!) is holding me back from true contentment. I no longer have alcohol to push these things out of my mind, so I need new skills to help me embrace the positive in the now and forgive myself for stuff that really isn’t all that terrible, but seems to supersede all the good that is in my life. I think if I can conquer this issue, I can be a much more productive and positive person.
Thank you Tara – I have listened and watched so many of your teachings – ‘thank you’ doesn’t quite describe my deepest gratitude for your loving kindness and offerings of such deep wisdom, care and guidance.
I especially love the offering of ‘u-turn’ and your description of how we tend to hold on to the unhappiness of what we know rather than trusting the unknown. I have walked this path many, many years ago and know it very well. My u-turn occurred during my path towards mindfulness and the freedom I discovered therein. Gratefully you have been a deeply appreciated and valued guide on my continued path. Namaste.
Absolutely amazing approach- so liberating
Shifted my feelings of blame to aturning to my own experience and what enmerged was a sadness for the sense of lack of what I need and want in my primary relationship. Could later see what happened for my spouse in his upbringing that is a big part of why he acts the way he does. (His leg in the trap experience). Then resistance and older patterns re-appeared. Appreciate this information and practice, thank you….
I will always remember Tara’s book Radical Acceptance (I believe) and her story about having a baby and being in extreme pain. She said to her midwife “there is such pain there must be something wrong”. And her midwife said “there is nothing wrong its just pain.” This changed everything for me and for that and for her I am grateful. These videos were perfect reminders.
David
I liked the process. The U turn is such a helpful technique .
I want to be more compassionate to others, myself, and all beings.
Thank you for these beautiful, profound exercises.
Thank you Tara for such a beautiful piece of work. Every word falls on my ears so gently and the piece you use around the wounded dog is so so powerful.
Ours not to judge!
I could listen to your dulcet tones all day
Thank you with heartfelt blessongs,
Ursula
Ireland
I find the metaphors you share really useful. The leg in the trap, the u-turn- both gave me a concrete visual to use as I work through a nagging sense of disappointment at an outcome involving someone important to me. I plan to return to that brief, yet profound practice as often as I can to assist me in the releasing of blame and judgment toward myself and the other. This has been a wonderful workshop. Thank you so much for the offering.
present
This practice is fairly new to me but I have done it a few times and find it a very emotional experience, both to feel compassion for myself and to feel it for others in relationships where I’ve been locked into anger and resentment. The more I do the practice, the more I realize the extent to which my own anger toward others often results from my own sense of unworthiness. It will take me a while to unravel all of this, but suffice it to say that I’m finding the practice very revealing.
I always felt worthless and that I didn’t deserve that good job and that loving relationship. And I’ve always struggled just to be happy and confident. If I could let go of blame and judgment I could be a happy content person. I never asked myself why I hang onto it, or what it would look like without it.
I want to thank you for these teachings.
I would be love and be
Forever grateful for your great teachings Tara!!
Thank you <3
I am more aware of how I inwardly criticize myself, but it’s so deep, I can’t pull up the words. I feel the intonation of the critical words, but often can’t make them out. I’m guessing it will take me time to reach them, or maybe just by exploring the feelings that will be enough to develop the compassion.
There is so much powerful information here. I am 67 and realizing that for most of my life I have not been a very good “fellow” human being. I see so many of my issues described in you talks. I truly want to be a better person, a better friend to my fellowman. I hope your information can help me be that better person, to myself as well as others.
Thank you, john
As ever, I feel lighter after hearing Tara’s voice. Thank you for sharing these practices.
I’d be a much more peace filled person! Thank you so much for this tremendous workshop. I’m about to listen to it again. Do you have a transcript of it anywhere? ??
Hi Tara, I can see how this practice is useful for people we love. It is very relevant to me at present as I am currently not speaking to my father because he has (a) become a bigotted racist in his old age and (b) he lies and denies comments he made in the recent past, basically trying to change my reality. However, I know he was an abused and neglected child whose father died when he was three and he was raised by a mentally ill mother. The practice made me consider calling him soon.
However, I have a patient currently who is unable to use this technique. His partner cheated on him but after much consideration the patient decided to stay. Interestingly, after two years of hard work on both sides, the patient feels he is able to forgive his partner and the relationship is now actually much better than it was prior to the infidelity. However, the patient is still bothered by the other man at times, he sometimes gets intrusive thoughts of how the other man was plotting to get the partner and he feels a wave of hatred for this man. He wishes to let the anger go and he desperately wishes he could just not be bothered by what happened anymore, since the relationship has become truly equal and happy as a consequence of the pain they went through together. However, the patient has no intention of forgiving the other man as any sort of compassion towards him feels harmful rather than helpful. Any advice you might have to offer this patient? Can one move on without forgiving?
Many thanks for the videos, they were extremely helpful.
Hi Tara, I can see how this practice is useful for people we love. It is very relevant to me at present as I am currently not speaking to my father because he has (a) become a bigotted racist in his old age and (b) he lies and denies comments he made in the recent past, basically trying to change my reality. However, I know he was an abused and neglected child whose father died when he was three and he was raised by a mentally ill mother. The practice made me consider calling him soon.
However, I have a patient currently who is unable to use this technique. His partner cheated on him but after much consideration the patient decided to stay. Interestingly, after two years of hard work on both sides, the patient feels he is able to forgive his partner and the relationship is now actually much better than it was prior to the infidelity. However, the patient is still bothered by the other man at times, he sometimes gets intrusive thoughts of how the other man was plotting to get the partner and he feels a wave of hatred for this man. He wishes to let the anger go and he desperately wishes he could just not be bothered by what happened anymore, since the relationship has become truly equal and happy as a consequence of the pain they went through together. However, the patient has no intention of forgiving the other man as any sort of compassion towards him feels harmful rather than helpful. Any advice you might have to offer this patient? Can one move on without forgiving?
It will be much appreciated to receive the audio recording of the practice in the third video.
Many thanks for the videos, they were extremely beneficial.
Thank you for your wonderful sort Videos. It made me to remind me to be more present and have more compassion towards myself and others.
I would like to Thank You sooo very much for these teachings. These teachings have been so helpful to me in dealing with the struggles that I face every day. By listening to the teachings, I have been better at slowing down my thought patterns and digging deeper to the root of why I feel less than and different from others. I am so excited for more of these teachings.
The U Turn exceptions would have been helpful to say at the beginning. I love the “being with” a particular emotions and being compassionate with yourself…….such a lovely way to rid ourselves of such harsh judgements.
However; I am not not all that comfortable giving compassion to the psychopaths and sociopaths that wander freely in life causing immeasurable harm. For them……accepting them as “who they are” vs trying to well up compassion for where their life when horribly wrong.
Very helpful thank you