I have struggled with this question most of my adult life. I was an abused child. Both my parents abused me and my siblings, my father beat us and our mother abused us passive aggressively with unrelenting criticism. She liked to tell me that I was unworthy of love and that she didn’t love me because I was mean, selfish and conceited. She repeated these judgements of me throughout my adult life, even though I was, in fact, a very loving, compassionate woman who lived with a lot of integrity. That is how everyone with whom I actually interact define me. I was a passionate dance artist on the stage for awhile. This validated my mother’s criticisms, in her eyes. She liked to send me hate letters my whole adult life telling me over and over and over again that I was a horrible person unworthy of love. Although on one level I knew her criticisms had no validity, because I sooooo wanted the love and affirmation of a mother, I began to believe them. I became obsessed with making her understand that she was wrong about me. But nothing I did or said made her think differently. Even when I became very ill, she couldn’t reconsider her perspectives. So, now with the relationship severed for six years, a step I initiated, I am beginning to have compassion for her I realize just how deeply insecure she is about her own competency and value. It is truly sad that someone would treat their child the way she treated me. But, how do I make this turn from blame to true forgiveness? I told her I forgave her, but I still carry some anger and blame with me. It is hard to let go of that. It has become habitual in my thought patterns.
how to use this model to turn round to use in a situation with a friend who just decided to
step away from our relationship because she was putting way too much energy into
connecting and then changing and trying to connect to repair our relationship and the time not happening in her timetable.I have been more passive because I have been unsure and more cautious not to err again. So, I have been just passive and cautious and ok with whatever she says, trying not to make waves. Her last text seemed to be a good-bye…. Maybe just being ok with good-bye…
I don;t know nor think I have the energy she requires of me to give back to her in her manner of measurements.
This is a process which I practice on a daily basis. It allows me to be clearer in perceiving who I am and who others truly are. It established a deeper compassionate, nonverbal connection with my being and other people in my life. Thanks 🙂
I would be happier and more at peace. I would have more energy for my projects. I would be more relaxed around others with whom I’ve had difficult interactions and more able to develop an actual relationship with them.
Yes, I can tell that I do hold onto blame, even after I’ve accepted and seen the leg in the vice – I don’t want to hold it. I think I might be ready. I agree with you that it’s a time in the world we need this radical compassion. I can’t stand how it feels in the world to be so divided. I’m starting to avoid and the evidence around me is that I’m not doing so well, reinforcing my sense of unworthiness. Thanks you for this. As I tried the UTurn, it allowed feelings to flow out. I hope to do more.
I’m so grateful and surprised by how much emotion came out of me today.
It’s been two years now since my partner died and although I’ve come to terms that she’s gone, I can’t help but feel that I didn’t do enough to help her with her depression and addiction.
I thought because I’ve been able to talk about personal feelings to others that I was started to get better, but the tasks today have reminded me that I still have a ways to go.
Dear Tarah
I respect and love your vision and your work.
I do not have the funds to enter your program, but I will continue taking advantage of what is accessible.
Practicing mindfulness as a way of life is a challenge and having compassion for myself and others is another challenge.
Lacking the discipline to practice daily is the biggest of all challenges for me. But I will continue because of my work as a mental health professional; I must continue listening,
Thank you!
I think if I can let go of judgement and chronic blame, life would be easier and I would feel more connected with all parts of myself and with others. It would be easier to act and respond from a place of kindness and compassion. It would also be easier to deepen relationships when we shift the way we think about what is happening and this will lead to a more loving response.
have more ‘energy’ to give to actually living instead of using it all up in trying to protect/ defend self. would not be viewing my life wth regret after regret as I am close to the end and afraid no time to make repairs?
I would be a person truer to myself, a person who accepts all the life brings without sadness anger for myself and others. I would allow myself to pursue dreams and be creative and strong
If/when I let go of my resentment of my Mothers constant health issues and her demands on me and lack of being fully there. It’s an old story I want to drop. I know I will feel free and open hearted to view her and others with Love. I haven’t figured out why I hang onto this resentment. It doesn’t serve me. I don’t have much time left with her to offer forgiveness and Love. I will regret no doing so
That helped me understand that my feeling shamed by another’s behavior toward me and to feel compassion towards myself instead of anger towards the other party and thinking that they may have also been originally set off by their own shame. Felt more compassion for them too.
If I could let go of self judgment and chronic blame and deepening into compassion and open hearted Ness. I could love my children the way I want to and all other beings
I would experience liberation and peace to let go of self-blame/judgement for bad choices impacting me and find the openness in my heart to not only better forgive myself but provide the space to receive the upset still expressed by one family member in particular.
That was a beautiful practice, thank you!
Thank you. This was so freeing. It allowed me to let go of the hurt from one instance and realize the underlying belief so I can recognize it in other areas of my life. I appreciate this tool to help me move from judgment to compassion where I want to live.
Because I judge myself, I strive for perfectionism to compensate, which makes life so hard, and never satisfactory as it is an elusive goal. I alienate myself from others, create friction points in relationships. If I were not to do this, I could spend more time looking outwards and helping others rather than trying to fix myself!
Moving away from allowing the external circumstances to dominate brings a freedom and relief.
I’d be free to be just me, growing, learning, expanding.
I have struggled with this question most of my adult life. I was an abused child. Both my parents abused me and my siblings, my father beat us and our mother abused us passive aggressively with unrelenting criticism. She liked to tell me that I was unworthy of love and that she didn’t love me because I was mean, selfish and conceited. She repeated these judgements of me throughout my adult life, even though I was, in fact, a very loving, compassionate woman who lived with a lot of integrity. That is how everyone with whom I actually interact define me. I was a passionate dance artist on the stage for awhile. This validated my mother’s criticisms, in her eyes. She liked to send me hate letters my whole adult life telling me over and over and over again that I was a horrible person unworthy of love. Although on one level I knew her criticisms had no validity, because I sooooo wanted the love and affirmation of a mother, I began to believe them. I became obsessed with making her understand that she was wrong about me. But nothing I did or said made her think differently. Even when I became very ill, she couldn’t reconsider her perspectives. So, now with the relationship severed for six years, a step I initiated, I am beginning to have compassion for her I realize just how deeply insecure she is about her own competency and value. It is truly sad that someone would treat their child the way she treated me. But, how do I make this turn from blame to true forgiveness? I told her I forgave her, but I still carry some anger and blame with me. It is hard to let go of that. It has become habitual in my thought patterns.
how to use this model to turn round to use in a situation with a friend who just decided to
step away from our relationship because she was putting way too much energy into
connecting and then changing and trying to connect to repair our relationship and the time not happening in her timetable.I have been more passive because I have been unsure and more cautious not to err again. So, I have been just passive and cautious and ok with whatever she says, trying not to make waves. Her last text seemed to be a good-bye…. Maybe just being ok with good-bye…
I don;t know nor think I have the energy she requires of me to give back to her in her manner of measurements.
I would be free and in alignment with my peaceful self and others
This is a process which I practice on a daily basis. It allows me to be clearer in perceiving who I am and who others truly are. It established a deeper compassionate, nonverbal connection with my being and other people in my life. Thanks 🙂
I would be happier and more at peace. I would have more energy for my projects. I would be more relaxed around others with whom I’ve had difficult interactions and more able to develop an actual relationship with them.
I’ve been practicing more self compassion and find it easier to forgive and connect with others. Thank you, Tara
Yes, I can tell that I do hold onto blame, even after I’ve accepted and seen the leg in the vice – I don’t want to hold it. I think I might be ready. I agree with you that it’s a time in the world we need this radical compassion. I can’t stand how it feels in the world to be so divided. I’m starting to avoid and the evidence around me is that I’m not doing so well, reinforcing my sense of unworthiness. Thanks you for this. As I tried the UTurn, it allowed feelings to flow out. I hope to do more.
I will be more connected to myself and others.
I’m so grateful and surprised by how much emotion came out of me today.
It’s been two years now since my partner died and although I’ve come to terms that she’s gone, I can’t help but feel that I didn’t do enough to help her with her depression and addiction.
I thought because I’ve been able to talk about personal feelings to others that I was started to get better, but the tasks today have reminded me that I still have a ways to go.
Thank you though Tara & NICABM
I have got a lot from this today thank you Tara and Ruth and Nicabm
Dear Tarah
I respect and love your vision and your work.
I do not have the funds to enter your program, but I will continue taking advantage of what is accessible.
Practicing mindfulness as a way of life is a challenge and having compassion for myself and others is another challenge.
Lacking the discipline to practice daily is the biggest of all challenges for me. But I will continue because of my work as a mental health professional; I must continue listening,
Thank you!
I think if I can let go of judgement and chronic blame, life would be easier and I would feel more connected with all parts of myself and with others. It would be easier to act and respond from a place of kindness and compassion. It would also be easier to deepen relationships when we shift the way we think about what is happening and this will lead to a more loving response.
“Its okay to feel this” ✅✅
a brilliant way to speak to our feelings
Thankyou All
Feeling surfaced feeling of fear, shame and hurt.
I would realize that I am enough, just as I am, right here, right now.
So much energy lost in blaming others, when we could use it to heal ourselves!!! Excellent as always.
Thank you Tara, really helpful insight into self-judgement. Would love to receive the video practice. Thank you so much
have more ‘energy’ to give to actually living instead of using it all up in trying to protect/ defend self. would not be viewing my life wth regret after regret as I am close to the end and afraid no time to make repairs?
I would be a person truer to myself, a person who accepts all the life brings without sadness anger for myself and others. I would allow myself to pursue dreams and be creative and strong
I would be able to finally forgive the person who constantly hurt me all my life and myself for feeling the way I feel.
I would have much more understanding for her and well as my sufferinf.
I would be free to be helpful, supportive, and compassionate.
I would be a much free person, a more relieved and grounded person, with more trust in myself and others.
If/when I let go of my resentment of my Mothers constant health issues and her demands on me and lack of being fully there. It’s an old story I want to drop. I know I will feel free and open hearted to view her and others with Love. I haven’t figured out why I hang onto this resentment. It doesn’t serve me. I don’t have much time left with her to offer forgiveness and Love. I will regret no doing so
Much more able to feel and express kindness and experience love with my family and friends ❤
That helped me understand that my feeling shamed by another’s behavior toward me and to feel compassion towards myself instead of anger towards the other party and thinking that they may have also been originally set off by their own shame. Felt more compassion for them too.
I would be more open to the ones who hurt me, but not allow the hurt to define me.
I would be less anxious, softer, and I would radiate peace.
I would be at peace with myself.
free, perhaps in a successful relationship, better connected to self, family, friends
I can only imagine how it would feel. Actually, I’m not sure I am able to imagine
Less troubled and fearful.
Warm, free, and connected.
I would be at ease.
Thank you.
I would be living authentically and in my truth.
If I could let go of self judgment and chronic blame and deepening into compassion and open hearted Ness. I could love my children the way I want to and all other beings
I would be lighter perhaps?
Hard to understand where to put the boundaries but I understand that a loving attitude is the one that provides space
I would be confident, free to be myself, at ease, able to live in my truth.
Wonderfully helpful. Thank you Tara!
Thank you. You provided me with a new perspective on self-blame
I would experience liberation and peace to let go of self-blame/judgement for bad choices impacting me and find the openness in my heart to not only better forgive myself but provide the space to receive the upset still expressed by one family member in particular.
That was a beautiful practice, thank you!
More of authentic self.
Very interesting
it would allow me to become more my true self and content
Thank you. This was so freeing. It allowed me to let go of the hurt from one instance and realize the underlying belief so I can recognize it in other areas of my life. I appreciate this tool to help me move from judgment to compassion where I want to live.
I imagine there would be an ease within myself and with others that would allow me to access the grounded energy I need and want in elderhood.
Because I judge myself, I strive for perfectionism to compensate, which makes life so hard, and never satisfactory as it is an elusive goal. I alienate myself from others, create friction points in relationships. If I were not to do this, I could spend more time looking outwards and helping others rather than trying to fix myself!
Excellent introduction.
Thank you so much for your wisdom. I have found this such a lightbulb moment