Felt my chest burn when I did a U turn and looked at what the other person I resented, was going through. I know now that I need to hold this in my heart so I don’t go back to feeling resentment. I will falter sometimes but must work on it.
Thank you for the light bulb moment.
I would be a person who can love myself, and others. I could freely and openly be available emotionally and in other ways to offer support , guidance for myself and others. I would be present in any given moment. I would be free.
It’s hard to imagine; I’ve been doing it for so long. If I believe in my self but then I turn out to be the failure I always thought I was, won’t I look stupid…
Won’t other people see me as doubly stupid; not being good enough to start with but then being being insightless enough to believe I’m ok.. If you don’t praise me , I can’t know that I’m good enough, I certainly can’t trust my own judgement, I can only work out who I am by hearing what others say about me..
I do want to escape this but I’m so afraid to open myself up.
I had a wonderful flood of self compassion that I truly wished I could bottle. I think I’d be a compassionate much less anxious, and full filled person if I was able to be that person. Thank you 🙏
Thank you for this information Tara. I enjoy the u turn techniques being able to focus on your pain/suffering rather than focusing on the person. I also love the fact that you mentioned on when it’s not appropriate to use the technique especially in regard to Trauma/oppression.
This was very beautiful. I was stuck with a repeated pattern that I have struggled with for years. Your wisdom helped me to deeply reconnect with myself and start the shift out of judgement and blame towards myself and others. Thank you for the gift.
If I let go of judgment and chronic blame, my heart would begin to open to myself and others. Compassion would reawaken and lead me back to a path of healing and beginning to let go of the fear that prevents me from being my best self. I would be able to relate to others with truth and compassion.
Thank you, Tara.
I blamed decision-makers for making me feel betrayed by their decisions to undo all the restorative work I had done on their behalf, in a project which they had assigned me to, and which had seen good results by students. By letting go of the chronic blame which I felt justified to have, I began to feel grateful to realize that actually I had been released from a long-term committment to the decision-makers, which would have increased my sense of being unappreciated, and frustration for not being able to disengage from that particular group, continuing to feel trapped in that situation. Letting of the blame freed me from feeling betrayed.
Sherry Ontheblock, Other, Oklahoma City, OK, USAsays
I only have one tormentor left, the one person that experienced All the trauma I did and added to it. I have forgiven but the boundaries must stay to keep my growth and self preservation. I have always offered to meet and rebuild only to be met with more abuse. I must hold and grow in my own direction. The continued abuse has taught me that I am only responsible for my own growth and cannot change others. My heart is open and I have given grace for the worst abusers in my life and cannot accept any more abuse for my sake and the sake of my beautiful family. Thank you Tara for affirming my journey.
Thank you Tara,
I was very moved by your introduction to Head, Heart and Heart Space.
When engaging in your guided activity it took me back to a time I was very hurt by my son’s partner. I became cross with her but after listening and reflecting during your guided activity I realise that she was also frightened and that was why she behaved as she did. So I now feel much warmer to her and feel that when I see her again I will show her more understanding and kindness. Hopefully we will both move, in time, to a better place.
Thank you
To me, the first practice, the U-turn, has been invaluable over the years because it helps me reconnect with MY experience, my needs and preferences. I grew up seeing my two abusers’ “trapped legs”, and being aware of their pain when I was way too young to take care for adults’ emotions and needs. Being so considerate of their trapped legs meant that I learnt to give up on my needs; and it also made it easier for them to keep abusing me. To this day (I’m 50), I struggle recognising my needs while I’m so aware of what others want. So what I need to do when it comes to my abusers is to finally honour the pain of my own trapped leg first. To commit to my own healing. And to use this commitment to myself for setting up and KEEPING those boundaries. Because I’m still tempted to abandon myself whenever I think of their trapped legs.
Thank you dear Tara as always! A special blessing for me was that you gave back to me my earliest feelings for Mother Teresa. As years went on and I heard gossip in media about her human traits, I let myself slip into judgmental feelings for someone who held up a quivering mirror to our mutual flaws and folly, You helped me be mindful enough to actually taste my disapproval and spew it out. Now that I have begun a life shift I can go after my feelings about the orange iceberg just up ahead again, and that work will need further advice, counsel, and tender admonishment from you dear fellow soul of God’s Love… Please revel in Easter joy and conviviality with all your dear ones therewith…
Seeing how self- and towards others judgement runs as a default mode – creating distance to self and others, keeping me safe of emotions and vulnerability…….by remembering self compassion I can move from head to heart……thank you for the reminders……..now I only need to remind myself. G.
Visited a past traumatic experience & u-turned when the pain surfaced. I can’t hold two thoughts at once. I chose to focus loving thoughts towards my injured self. I felt softened feelings towards those who hurt me too..
l do judge, but less. I don’t usually blame others, but try to see what has caused their behavior to others. It does really help me to have some or more compassion for them.
good teaching. i get the word “Blame” as “Be lame” It doesn’t work.
like the dog with a leg in a trap
Thank Tara for your amazing gifts to all of us sentient humans
I could be truly myself! Not trapped by my thoughts but more able to choose how I wanted to behave and the path I want to take. Thank you for these teachings.
Erin Kenney, Another Field, San Diego, CA, USAsays
making a u turn is a new concept for me and a good one. typically I come back from losing patience w self loathing but possibly this tool will help me look inward more kindly figure out what’s underneath
It’s been great to do this with blame from a person now deceased. Understanding that they were affected by leg irons constraining them, that allows me to let go of blame and not make their comments personal hurts to me.
Hi Tara,
When I give myself self love, I feel like I am free and blessed with a wonderful feeling in my heart. It is a lot of work to get here, and I am so stubborn about doing the work that it takes sometimes. I will stick with it and feel you always are available when I falter.
Thank you again.
Diane
My mother recently died. In the last years of her life, she had dementia. I had tried for years to forgive her behavior when I was growing up, as she had regular alcoholic rages. While I watched her mind deteriorate, I was naturally brought to a place of love and forgiveness. But doing this process with her in mind today made me realize that all of the years that I resented her were spent protecting my heart from the grief of not having the parent I wanted and needed. The grief was underneath my anger and now I feel safe enough to really feel that.
I lost my wife five years ago and for a long time I had a sign on my heart that read “Closed”. Now it says “Open – Under New Management”. Who would I be? I wouldn’t be that person who denied my wife emotional intimacy, I woulda been the person who looked at things through her eyes, from her perspective, and my heart would soften as I held her. I would be the person who says “I’m ok just the way I am”, confident, vulnerable and living with an open heart.
Rather than judgement and blame of others I guess my thing is a global sense of “why did you abandon me?/when will you abandon me” and an inner struggle to accept that it happened (and that it might happen again) and to not let the shame and pain of being left behind define and absorb me. In most cases this practice does help me see the vulnerability and lostness of the abandoners, which is soothing. However in one case in particular I don’t, all I see is happiness, luck, privilege, resources. This makes me feel very confused. And hurt. And wrong. I know the person well but there is of course a possibility that I don’t see clearly. However it is also possible that others don’t always act from a place of hurt but rather…I don’t know…perhaps ignorance/callousness? Due to not having experienced any hardship themselves? In the case of my friend turning against me, I am trying to come to terms with the possibility that she did so because – unlike me – she felt she had the option of just turning away and enjoying her life when our relationship became complicated. As I write this I see a reflection of my mother and other grown-ups in my childhood, their being unable to care for me consistently, and my adult self perhaps expecting too much of my friends/being drawn to people who are unable or unwilling to see me and love me. And get stuck in – or trying not to get stuck in – working too hard to make them. As for who I’d be without this pattern… I see the possibility of being free – free to look elsewhere, to care for myself, to let others come to me, to let friends come and go with ease. I think this freedom is possible but also that getting there will probably be a life long marathon. There is a lot of acceptance and grieving and letting go of people I love that needs to happen along the way?
It’s a powerful insight to hear that we can’t judge ourselves into healing nor will our judgment help heal others. I will definitely use both the u-turn strategy to turn the focus inward as well as the vulnerability technique to live more compassionately towards myself and others (the wounded dog analogy was very helpful as it shows the importance of coming to a situation with an open heart). Thank you, Tara
Thanks Tara… You’ve given me (us) a lot to consider… to work with… to let go of…
Perhaps i can get my little boy (his nickname was ‘sunshine’, which – oddly enough – is nyima ‘özer in Tibetan) to feel safe and loved again… Took me a long time to even realise i was angry, unhappy… my daughter, Tara, was the one who pointed it out to me… I’ve been working with it ever since, but i still notice that subtle sense of outrage at times… These will help. Once again, thanks.
Thank you dear Tara for showing us the way to deeper our love and compassion for ourselves and others and to let go of self judgment and negative thoughts and emotions.
Thank you for this powerful exercise in forgiveness and vulnerability. Making the u-turn and seeing that someone else’s foot is in the trap is a wonderful metaphor.
I find difficult to identify my own self judgment, because many things are buried in layers. I am willing to let go, to have self compassion, but first I need to know what’s really inside of me. It is a lifetime process. Thank you, Tara.
Thank you Tara for taking us through this journey, to guide us, to get in touch with our feelings, to care for our parts that we judge and blame and to hold them with love and kindness. I particularly found the suggestion of “U turn”, “getting to the heart space” and the metaphor of “the waves belonging to the ocean” deeply connecting and relieving. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Felt my chest burn when I did a U turn and looked at what the other person I resented, was going through. I know now that I need to hold this in my heart so I don’t go back to feeling resentment. I will falter sometimes but must work on it.
Thank you for the light bulb moment.
I would be a person who can love myself, and others. I could freely and openly be available emotionally and in other ways to offer support , guidance for myself and others. I would be present in any given moment. I would be free.
It’s hard to imagine; I’ve been doing it for so long. If I believe in my self but then I turn out to be the failure I always thought I was, won’t I look stupid…
Won’t other people see me as doubly stupid; not being good enough to start with but then being being insightless enough to believe I’m ok.. If you don’t praise me , I can’t know that I’m good enough, I certainly can’t trust my own judgement, I can only work out who I am by hearing what others say about me..
I do want to escape this but I’m so afraid to open myself up.
I had a wonderful flood of self compassion that I truly wished I could bottle. I think I’d be a compassionate much less anxious, and full filled person if I was able to be that person. Thank you 🙏
Thank you for these informative sessions, I feel a sense of peace and freedom when I am able to move towards self compassion
Thank you for this information Tara. I enjoy the u turn techniques being able to focus on your pain/suffering rather than focusing on the person. I also love the fact that you mentioned on when it’s not appropriate to use the technique especially in regard to Trauma/oppression.
This was very beautiful. I was stuck with a repeated pattern that I have struggled with for years. Your wisdom helped me to deeply reconnect with myself and start the shift out of judgement and blame towards myself and others. Thank you for the gift.
If I let go of judgment and chronic blame, my heart would begin to open to myself and others. Compassion would reawaken and lead me back to a path of healing and beginning to let go of the fear that prevents me from being my best self. I would be able to relate to others with truth and compassion.
Thank you, Tara.
I blamed decision-makers for making me feel betrayed by their decisions to undo all the restorative work I had done on their behalf, in a project which they had assigned me to, and which had seen good results by students. By letting go of the chronic blame which I felt justified to have, I began to feel grateful to realize that actually I had been released from a long-term committment to the decision-makers, which would have increased my sense of being unappreciated, and frustration for not being able to disengage from that particular group, continuing to feel trapped in that situation. Letting of the blame freed me from feeling betrayed.
I only have one tormentor left, the one person that experienced All the trauma I did and added to it. I have forgiven but the boundaries must stay to keep my growth and self preservation. I have always offered to meet and rebuild only to be met with more abuse. I must hold and grow in my own direction. The continued abuse has taught me that I am only responsible for my own growth and cannot change others. My heart is open and I have given grace for the worst abusers in my life and cannot accept any more abuse for my sake and the sake of my beautiful family. Thank you Tara for affirming my journey.
Thank you Tara,
I was very moved by your introduction to Head, Heart and Heart Space.
When engaging in your guided activity it took me back to a time I was very hurt by my son’s partner. I became cross with her but after listening and reflecting during your guided activity I realise that she was also frightened and that was why she behaved as she did. So I now feel much warmer to her and feel that when I see her again I will show her more understanding and kindness. Hopefully we will both move, in time, to a better place.
Thank you
To me, the first practice, the U-turn, has been invaluable over the years because it helps me reconnect with MY experience, my needs and preferences. I grew up seeing my two abusers’ “trapped legs”, and being aware of their pain when I was way too young to take care for adults’ emotions and needs. Being so considerate of their trapped legs meant that I learnt to give up on my needs; and it also made it easier for them to keep abusing me. To this day (I’m 50), I struggle recognising my needs while I’m so aware of what others want. So what I need to do when it comes to my abusers is to finally honour the pain of my own trapped leg first. To commit to my own healing. And to use this commitment to myself for setting up and KEEPING those boundaries. Because I’m still tempted to abandon myself whenever I think of their trapped legs.
I love the expression “to offer care inwardly.” Definitely a tool to deepen our connections with people by offering compassion.
I would be kinder and more compassionate towards myself and others, the exercise in this video, brought tears, an opening and softness.
Thank you dear Tara as always! A special blessing for me was that you gave back to me my earliest feelings for Mother Teresa. As years went on and I heard gossip in media about her human traits, I let myself slip into judgmental feelings for someone who held up a quivering mirror to our mutual flaws and folly, You helped me be mindful enough to actually taste my disapproval and spew it out. Now that I have begun a life shift I can go after my feelings about the orange iceberg just up ahead again, and that work will need further advice, counsel, and tender admonishment from you dear fellow soul of God’s Love… Please revel in Easter joy and conviviality with all your dear ones therewith…
I will have more peace and love in my heart for everyone and my slef.
Seeing how self- and towards others judgement runs as a default mode – creating distance to self and others, keeping me safe of emotions and vulnerability…….by remembering self compassion I can move from head to heart……thank you for the reminders……..now I only need to remind myself. G.
Visited a past traumatic experience & u-turned when the pain surfaced. I can’t hold two thoughts at once. I chose to focus loving thoughts towards my injured self. I felt softened feelings towards those who hurt me too..
A caring person not only to others but to myself. For, indeed it all begins with me.
Rose
from Colwood B.C.
l do judge, but less. I don’t usually blame others, but try to see what has caused their behavior to others. It does really help me to have some or more compassion for them.
someone who could find peace and see others
Inspiring!
Thank you Tara and NICABM.
good teaching. i get the word “Blame” as “Be lame” It doesn’t work.
like the dog with a leg in a trap
Thank Tara for your amazing gifts to all of us sentient humans
i would be a more compassionate being.
I love the gentleness and love so evident in all of your work. Thank you!
Compliments to Dr Tara Brach, always precious to listen to. Compliments to the good programs of NICABM.
I could be truly myself! Not trapped by my thoughts but more able to choose how I wanted to behave and the path I want to take. Thank you for these teachings.
I would be the lighthearted, playful, and loving me that I already know from the moments when I feel fully accepted, appreciated and loved by others.
making a u turn is a new concept for me and a good one. typically I come back from losing patience w self loathing but possibly this tool will help me look inward more kindly figure out what’s underneath
I would be a happier person and more at peace with myself. I would forgive more.
It’s been great to do this with blame from a person now deceased. Understanding that they were affected by leg irons constraining them, that allows me to let go of blame and not make their comments personal hurts to me.
Hi Tara,
When I give myself self love, I feel like I am free and blessed with a wonderful feeling in my heart. It is a lot of work to get here, and I am so stubborn about doing the work that it takes sometimes. I will stick with it and feel you always are available when I falter.
Thank you again.
Diane
My mother recently died. In the last years of her life, she had dementia. I had tried for years to forgive her behavior when I was growing up, as she had regular alcoholic rages. While I watched her mind deteriorate, I was naturally brought to a place of love and forgiveness. But doing this process with her in mind today made me realize that all of the years that I resented her were spent protecting my heart from the grief of not having the parent I wanted and needed. The grief was underneath my anger and now I feel safe enough to really feel that.
I may become the happy creative alive women I am meant to be
I lost my wife five years ago and for a long time I had a sign on my heart that read “Closed”. Now it says “Open – Under New Management”. Who would I be? I wouldn’t be that person who denied my wife emotional intimacy, I woulda been the person who looked at things through her eyes, from her perspective, and my heart would soften as I held her. I would be the person who says “I’m ok just the way I am”, confident, vulnerable and living with an open heart.
I am realizing I hold resentment for my spouse because he does not share a desire for us to share our faith & spirituality.
I would be a kind, loving soul. I used to be. I felt closer to my heart than ever. I need to continue my journey. It’s an everyday journey.
Rather than judgement and blame of others I guess my thing is a global sense of “why did you abandon me?/when will you abandon me” and an inner struggle to accept that it happened (and that it might happen again) and to not let the shame and pain of being left behind define and absorb me. In most cases this practice does help me see the vulnerability and lostness of the abandoners, which is soothing. However in one case in particular I don’t, all I see is happiness, luck, privilege, resources. This makes me feel very confused. And hurt. And wrong. I know the person well but there is of course a possibility that I don’t see clearly. However it is also possible that others don’t always act from a place of hurt but rather…I don’t know…perhaps ignorance/callousness? Due to not having experienced any hardship themselves? In the case of my friend turning against me, I am trying to come to terms with the possibility that she did so because – unlike me – she felt she had the option of just turning away and enjoying her life when our relationship became complicated. As I write this I see a reflection of my mother and other grown-ups in my childhood, their being unable to care for me consistently, and my adult self perhaps expecting too much of my friends/being drawn to people who are unable or unwilling to see me and love me. And get stuck in – or trying not to get stuck in – working too hard to make them. As for who I’d be without this pattern… I see the possibility of being free – free to look elsewhere, to care for myself, to let others come to me, to let friends come and go with ease. I think this freedom is possible but also that getting there will probably be a life long marathon. There is a lot of acceptance and grieving and letting go of people I love that needs to happen along the way?
What emotion jumped out at me that I did not recognize was shame. I’ve been carrying a shame that I’ve been imposing on myself for years.
I trust that this can be a turning point.
Thank you . The “u turn” is very helpful. Letting go of our story about the person is key then the turn. Looking forward to more.
It’s a powerful insight to hear that we can’t judge ourselves into healing nor will our judgment help heal others. I will definitely use both the u-turn strategy to turn the focus inward as well as the vulnerability technique to live more compassionately towards myself and others (the wounded dog analogy was very helpful as it shows the importance of coming to a situation with an open heart). Thank you, Tara
Thank you, Tara!
more Open and understanding
Thanks Tara… You’ve given me (us) a lot to consider… to work with… to let go of…
Perhaps i can get my little boy (his nickname was ‘sunshine’, which – oddly enough – is nyima ‘özer in Tibetan) to feel safe and loved again… Took me a long time to even realise i was angry, unhappy… my daughter, Tara, was the one who pointed it out to me… I’ve been working with it ever since, but i still notice that subtle sense of outrage at times… These will help. Once again, thanks.
Very moving this morning as I sit in hurt
Thank you dear Tara for showing us the way to deeper our love and compassion for ourselves and others and to let go of self judgment and negative thoughts and emotions.
Thank you for this powerful exercise in forgiveness and vulnerability. Making the u-turn and seeing that someone else’s foot is in the trap is a wonderful metaphor.
To think of people who may be mean to me as projecting their suffering on to me and to try to be more understanding of what I do not know about them.
I find difficult to identify my own self judgment, because many things are buried in layers. I am willing to let go, to have self compassion, but first I need to know what’s really inside of me. It is a lifetime process. Thank you, Tara.
Thank you Tara for taking us through this journey, to guide us, to get in touch with our feelings, to care for our parts that we judge and blame and to hold them with love and kindness. I particularly found the suggestion of “U turn”, “getting to the heart space” and the metaphor of “the waves belonging to the ocean” deeply connecting and relieving. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.