This helped me see that the pain is there and that it not necessary to continue to see the pain but to see the love and oneness we all are and even though you see the other person hurt etc does not mean you have to try to relieve it just you have to have compassion
There’s such a fascinating paradox that one needs to let go of the self-judgement in order to change. As you identify, opening to the feelings and bodily sensations are crucial steps to healing. I especially appreciated your recognition of both structural components and times when shifting out of blame might be problematic. This workshop was very meaningful. Many thanks and blessings.
I fear that I wouldn’t have boundaries if I let go of judgement. Like blaming is what allows me to stand up for myself. But I know this isn’t true. I confuse boundaries with freedom. That is what I really seek.
I have tried to add compassion practices into my routine and find that if I don’t keep it up the blame & judgement easily creeps back in. Thanks Tara for the reminder that I need to do this regularly and frequently.
Thank you Tara. As always , so grounding and helpful. Shifting out of blame, using compassion to recognize vulnerability of other and the analogy of the trap will be useful in practice.
Jen de Richemond, Another Field, Doylestown, PA, USAsays
I would be free to be truly present with myself and others. I would be free from negative critical thoughts about my daughter-in-law and old friend, which persist in interrupting me. I would set my creative work free to dream.
I had a story similar to stephen with my own dad passing away and my step dad always being critical and yelling at me and hitting me. I always cried for the passed away dad telling him if you were here he wouldn’t be hitting me. And never felt like Im loved unless I did what they said and acted as a good girl. Made me successful in work but always deeply wounded of not being worthy. Now still can’t forgive him even though after heart problem he has become kind and soft. But still there are moments I get full of rage at him. I see his ´eg in the trap but its not enough to forgive him
I find it hard to let go of blame, and it is a deeply unpleasant feeling. Doing the U turn practice was like switching on a light bulb – suddenly I felt compassion for myself, and the sadness that the blaming and feeling I’ve been wronged has done. It was also good for me to feel love and compassion for the person who has hurt me – it felt like possibilities opened up in some way. I will try to keep this practice up regularly – daily – so that it becomes easier to accept and own my vulnerability, and thus gives me hope. It is a much nicer way to live, of that I’m sure. As always, thank you Tara.
Thank you Tara. I have just finished reading Radical Acceptance. It felt like ‘coming home’. So much of it resonated with me.
I’m really struggling with my husband. He drinks every night and easily becomes angry afterwards. We are both in our 70s. He suffers from ill health. I’m trying to keep my life on track. The ‘U turn’ is really helpful. I always focus on his faults and forget about myself and how difficult this all is.
I have found it really helped me to reflect on why I have been feeling so upset and angry with my partner when we have confrontations and disagreements…I realize that he may have a ‘leghold’ on him that I don’t fully understand or realize is affecting his behaviour towards me. I now am thinking that he needs to have compassion from me and more understanding that he is suffering and that is being taken out on me…we need to work this out and I hope to try some of your techniques to better communicate and feel more love and compassion for us both!
For the last 20 years of our marriage, my wife Debbie was psychologically and physically abusive. DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, extreme assault and battery. Suicide attempts to get away from her, POLICE, lots of Police calls. Divorced and remarried. It ended only when she became schizophrenic neurotic, and died in an ocean of religious debris. When people asked why I allowed this to continue, the answer was that I never blamed her. I always blamed myself. I still blame myself. James
I would be a much better partner. I realize, despite how different we are, I think my partner sometimes sees his mother in me. this creates a feeling of lack of control for him. So when he criticizes me, it is usually because he feels this lack of control and needs to get it back. this practice has helped me see this vulnerability and not see the criticism in the same way. I feel compassion for his roundedness. That helps me to loosen my fear of being incompetent, which arises when I am criticized.
thank you for these clear and simple steps. I will practice this daily.
Thank you. If I let go of judgement and chronic blame, I could feel joy. I could feel alive. I could feel gratitude for the moments of my life, instead of obsessing over the past and worrying about the future.
I really appreciate the metaphor of the dog with it’s leg trapped. Just a glimpse outside the story one tells themselves of their current experience, to view the bigger picture, effectively allows for compassion to flow. I find it often comes back to taking the situation personally – that somehow the other believes I am to blame for their issues. When able to “u-turn” and see that the trapped leg is the issue and the growl is the dogs reaction to it’s pain, my compassion and desire to help kick right in, I don’t feel distracted and frustrated in trying to prove how I am not responsible for the pain.
Thank you for this short teaching.
It certainly is a practice and path I can utilize at a time I find my heart feeling more vulnerable showing up as anger and resentment and then feeling badly that I’m at this place.
A free person with great vital energy, instead of holding back in relationships and situations.
Being aware that the voice of the judge is real but not true today gave me some release and also contacting the vulnerable part under the blame.
Thank you for these wonderful videos! They are so hopeful and compassionate and apply to all. I especially like the U-turn example and will use this with my clients and myself! The link between self-compassion/ non-judgement and connection with others, and how these interplay is so exciting and key. I appreciate your work and thank you so much for all you do!
Thank you for this. I have in the past forgiven those who hurt me deeply. This, I found to be easier as I don’t live in the same country anymore. I have made the decision to stop returning to feel loved & validated by them. There is a person, however, in my life at the moment who I feel anger and even deep hatred towards them, for what I believe was chronic wrong doing. How do I overcome this? I hate feeling this way. It affects my life negatively, and I no longer want to feel this way. I can’t avoid this person but I’m triggered by the past and consumed by anger the moment I receive a ‘like’ comment or receive a text. I’m willing to do the work, but I don’t know how.
I have always struggled with letting go of hurt caused by others because it felt like I was giving up my power and it would leave me vulnerable for more hurt from the person. Thank you for showing me another path!
As always grateful for your sharing Tara – really wrestling with an ongoing dilemma at the moment – more bafflement – a search / want for boundaries to be respected- less about blame/shame and more about a want for clarity –
Once boundaries are being respected helping all folk to feel safe – loving the U turn idea – a constant pathway/invite into self/other compassion…
My U-Turn: As a child, I was exposed to nightmarish adult behavior but, luckily, I ended up in the care of a loving, non-judgmental foster parent that showed me that life did not have to be the way it had been for me as a child. In college, I majored in Social Sciences. I have always felt the my childhood led me in that direction. I learned about human behavior and also learned to analyze people and not prejudge them or myself. Some people think that I am too forgiving, but it’s not necessarily forgiveness. It’s more the need to understand why others think and behave the way they do, sometimes in order to protect myself. So I’m not easily swayed with group think and don’t instantly jump to conclusions. I need to understand their behavior so that I can continue to have a positive outlook or to take the necessary steps to protect myself and my loved ones.
Tara,
This is so powerful. I have helped clients with forgiveness and letting go of past wounds but, this approach and tool is so amazing. Thank you so much
Cath Bracken
It was helpful to see the other with leg in a trap when they are being aggressive and also myself in that same trap when I am feeling threatened. I turn made me think of Katie Byron work too which I find helpful to see how we are doing what we think others are doing. I look forward to joining!
Thank you for these insights. All 3 videos spoke in various ways to my lifes journey. While I have been for giving to deep hurts, I’ve found it much easier to ignore the lesser hurts by avoiding that person and keeping them out of my life. This third talk opens the possibilities of being compassionate toward myself and them.
Thank you Tara
beautiful practice. thank you! I love the question: Who would I be without this judgment and chronic blaming towards myself?… I will sit with the question…
Thanks for the guidance to better self-awareness. With practice, I hope this will lead to less defensiveness and more compassion.
My true body Ishtar happy self! Thank you Tara!
This helped me see that the pain is there and that it not necessary to continue to see the pain but to see the love and oneness we all are and even though you see the other person hurt etc does not mean you have to try to relieve it just you have to have compassion
There’s such a fascinating paradox that one needs to let go of the self-judgement in order to change. As you identify, opening to the feelings and bodily sensations are crucial steps to healing. I especially appreciated your recognition of both structural components and times when shifting out of blame might be problematic. This workshop was very meaningful. Many thanks and blessings.
I’d have more energy because I wouldn’t be overthinking how I was wronged. 🕊️
I could be me… unapologetically and with full acceptance, without having yo strive to prove anything else.
Thanks Tara…. these are beautiful practices
I fear that I wouldn’t have boundaries if I let go of judgement. Like blaming is what allows me to stand up for myself. But I know this isn’t true. I confuse boundaries with freedom. That is what I really seek.
I have tried to add compassion practices into my routine and find that if I don’t keep it up the blame & judgement easily creeps back in. Thanks Tara for the reminder that I need to do this regularly and frequently.
Thank you Tara. As always , so grounding and helpful. Shifting out of blame, using compassion to recognize vulnerability of other and the analogy of the trap will be useful in practice.
Wonderful! So helpful, Tara.
I would be free to be truly present with myself and others. I would be free from negative critical thoughts about my daughter-in-law and old friend, which persist in interrupting me. I would set my creative work free to dream.
A senitive approach -which is not one I let myself have.,but greatly need.
Thank you for these powerful compassion building exercises. 💝
Smalls steps for a powerful shift
I had a story similar to stephen with my own dad passing away and my step dad always being critical and yelling at me and hitting me. I always cried for the passed away dad telling him if you were here he wouldn’t be hitting me. And never felt like Im loved unless I did what they said and acted as a good girl. Made me successful in work but always deeply wounded of not being worthy. Now still can’t forgive him even though after heart problem he has become kind and soft. But still there are moments I get full of rage at him. I see his ´eg in the trap but its not enough to forgive him
Thank you for sharing
I find it hard to let go of blame, and it is a deeply unpleasant feeling. Doing the U turn practice was like switching on a light bulb – suddenly I felt compassion for myself, and the sadness that the blaming and feeling I’ve been wronged has done. It was also good for me to feel love and compassion for the person who has hurt me – it felt like possibilities opened up in some way. I will try to keep this practice up regularly – daily – so that it becomes easier to accept and own my vulnerability, and thus gives me hope. It is a much nicer way to live, of that I’m sure. As always, thank you Tara.
Thank you Tara. I have just finished reading Radical Acceptance. It felt like ‘coming home’. So much of it resonated with me.
I’m really struggling with my husband. He drinks every night and easily becomes angry afterwards. We are both in our 70s. He suffers from ill health. I’m trying to keep my life on track. The ‘U turn’ is really helpful. I always focus on his faults and forget about myself and how difficult this all is.
Wise words
Without judgement and blame, I am free.
I have found it really helped me to reflect on why I have been feeling so upset and angry with my partner when we have confrontations and disagreements…I realize that he may have a ‘leghold’ on him that I don’t fully understand or realize is affecting his behaviour towards me. I now am thinking that he needs to have compassion from me and more understanding that he is suffering and that is being taken out on me…we need to work this out and I hope to try some of your techniques to better communicate and feel more love and compassion for us both!
Thank you so much
For the last 20 years of our marriage, my wife Debbie was psychologically and physically abusive. DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, extreme assault and battery. Suicide attempts to get away from her, POLICE, lots of Police calls. Divorced and remarried. It ended only when she became schizophrenic neurotic, and died in an ocean of religious debris. When people asked why I allowed this to continue, the answer was that I never blamed her. I always blamed myself. I still blame myself. James
This has given me a tool to help me during times of crisis.
I would be a much better partner. I realize, despite how different we are, I think my partner sometimes sees his mother in me. this creates a feeling of lack of control for him. So when he criticizes me, it is usually because he feels this lack of control and needs to get it back. this practice has helped me see this vulnerability and not see the criticism in the same way. I feel compassion for his roundedness. That helps me to loosen my fear of being incompetent, which arises when I am criticized.
thank you for these clear and simple steps. I will practice this daily.
I would be able to see and feel the other’s pain instead of numbing myself.
It feels like a portal to renewing to more self acceptance and compassion and loving futur,
Thank you so much Tara, really very clear ! hmm…
Thank you. If I let go of judgement and chronic blame, I could feel joy. I could feel alive. I could feel gratitude for the moments of my life, instead of obsessing over the past and worrying about the future.
A free person with great vital energy, instead of holding back in relationships and situations.
Contacted the vulnerable part under the blame
Maybe I’d stay married if I could sustain these practices and this approach to having been hurt. But/and I’m also still hesitant about going all in.
I really appreciate the metaphor of the dog with it’s leg trapped. Just a glimpse outside the story one tells themselves of their current experience, to view the bigger picture, effectively allows for compassion to flow. I find it often comes back to taking the situation personally – that somehow the other believes I am to blame for their issues. When able to “u-turn” and see that the trapped leg is the issue and the growl is the dogs reaction to it’s pain, my compassion and desire to help kick right in, I don’t feel distracted and frustrated in trying to prove how I am not responsible for the pain.
Thank you so much for this. I guess the question that sticks out for me is. Who would I be if I wasn’t constantly judging and blaming myself?
Thank you for this short teaching.
It certainly is a practice and path I can utilize at a time I find my heart feeling more vulnerable showing up as anger and resentment and then feeling badly that I’m at this place.
A free person with great vital energy, instead of holding back in relationships and situations.
Being aware that the voice of the judge is real but not true today gave me some release and also contacting the vulnerable part under the blame.
Thank you for these wonderful videos! They are so hopeful and compassionate and apply to all. I especially like the U-turn example and will use this with my clients and myself! The link between self-compassion/ non-judgement and connection with others, and how these interplay is so exciting and key. I appreciate your work and thank you so much for all you do!
Such a helpful redirection with u turn , its fluid and I can do this over and over with compassion
thank you
Thank you for this. I have in the past forgiven those who hurt me deeply. This, I found to be easier as I don’t live in the same country anymore. I have made the decision to stop returning to feel loved & validated by them. There is a person, however, in my life at the moment who I feel anger and even deep hatred towards them, for what I believe was chronic wrong doing. How do I overcome this? I hate feeling this way. It affects my life negatively, and I no longer want to feel this way. I can’t avoid this person but I’m triggered by the past and consumed by anger the moment I receive a ‘like’ comment or receive a text. I’m willing to do the work, but I don’t know how.
I have always struggled with letting go of hurt caused by others because it felt like I was giving up my power and it would leave me vulnerable for more hurt from the person. Thank you for showing me another path!
Thank you 🙏🏻
I judge myself and others all the time. Thank you for starting me on this process of self compassion.
As always grateful for your sharing Tara – really wrestling with an ongoing dilemma at the moment – more bafflement – a search / want for boundaries to be respected- less about blame/shame and more about a want for clarity –
Once boundaries are being respected helping all folk to feel safe – loving the U turn idea – a constant pathway/invite into self/other compassion…
My U-Turn: As a child, I was exposed to nightmarish adult behavior but, luckily, I ended up in the care of a loving, non-judgmental foster parent that showed me that life did not have to be the way it had been for me as a child. In college, I majored in Social Sciences. I have always felt the my childhood led me in that direction. I learned about human behavior and also learned to analyze people and not prejudge them or myself. Some people think that I am too forgiving, but it’s not necessarily forgiveness. It’s more the need to understand why others think and behave the way they do, sometimes in order to protect myself. So I’m not easily swayed with group think and don’t instantly jump to conclusions. I need to understand their behavior so that I can continue to have a positive outlook or to take the necessary steps to protect myself and my loved ones.
Tara,
This is so powerful. I have helped clients with forgiveness and letting go of past wounds but, this approach and tool is so amazing. Thank you so much
Cath Bracken
It was helpful to see the other with leg in a trap when they are being aggressive and also myself in that same trap when I am feeling threatened. I turn made me think of Katie Byron work too which I find helpful to see how we are doing what we think others are doing. I look forward to joining!
I would be a person who had space for others and would be connected to myself and others more often. My light would be brighter.
Thank you for these insights. All 3 videos spoke in various ways to my lifes journey. While I have been for giving to deep hurts, I’ve found it much easier to ignore the lesser hurts by avoiding that person and keeping them out of my life. This third talk opens the possibilities of being compassionate toward myself and them.
Thank you Tara
I’ll be free, more open and more loving.
Thank you.
beautiful practice. thank you! I love the question: Who would I be without this judgment and chronic blaming towards myself?… I will sit with the question…
The turn into compassion was so helpful. Authentic the hurt leg of the other to soften. Thank you
Everything that you offered was helpful and deeply meaningful.