When a client is really hooked into resentment it might be a sign of a deeper, sometimes traumatic, wound.
According to Janina Fisher, PhD, this often has to do with the way traumatic memories are stored.
With that in mind, there’s a simple reframe Janina relies on to help her chip away at what we might think of as a “resentment mindset” – a client’s deeply held belief that they’re constantly being wronged.
Janina walks you through it in the video below . . .
Click here for full transcript
I think in most cases, the client with deep-seated resentment is stuck in those feeling memories of being wronged to them. But of course, because these are memories that are being triggered in the present, the feeling, “I am being wronged,” feels absolutely real. Sometimes, I can help people to see that. I can help them. I say, “You know, I’m wondering if this feeling of being wronged, so deeply wronged, is a memory of a childhood in which you were very little and the wrongs done to you were very big?”
And notice that I’m reframing it, but I’m doing so with a lot of empathy, because that’s my one way of hopefully breaking through this belief, “I am being wronged.” Sometimes clients are relieved to know that they’re remembering being wronged. I have to say, “I don’t mean to say that your coworker’s behavior is okay, or that your brother-in-law’s behavior is okay, not a bit. But that really painful, deep feeling of being wronged, maybe that’s the memory of being that little kid.”
Often, clients get that. Sometimes they don’t. And I’m thinking actually today, about a client who didn’t. Let me say a little bit about what does work, because I think really, that’s more helpful than sharing a way in which nothing worked. The most successful approach I’ve found to deep-seated resentment.
“First, reframing it as feeling memory, and then also saying, “You know, living well is really the best revenge.” “Well, I’m not living well, because look how I’ve been wronged.” And I say, “Yeah, yeah. If you’re not living well because you were wronged, they’re still winning. They still have the power to make your life miserable.” “Well, that’s not right.” “Absolutely, that’s exactly why I’m saying it, because I don’t want them to win, and you don’t want them to win. But the only way for you to win, is to live well despite them.”
Sometimes, with these clients who have such deep-seated resentment, that approach makes them feel that they’re being wronged by the therapist. Because it works so well with most resentful clients, I still always try it. But, there’s always the risk that some clients may feel that you really don’t understand.
Resentment, remember, is connected to the emotion of anger. The emotion of anger is connected to the human, or to the animal defense of fight. One of the things that I always think about when I think about resentment, is that there is anger that is waiting to mobilize a fight response that was never allowed to complete. This is an idea that comes from Pat Ogden and Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, Peter Levine and Somatic Experiencing. The animal defenses, fight flight, when they are ineffective, when they have to held back, as when the victim submits because it isn’t safe to fight, that the trauma can’t resolve because the defense hasn’t gone to completion.
So using a Sensorimotor Psychotherapy approach, I would try to help the client connect the feeling of resentment to the body experience of resentment. And usually if I ask the client to notice the somatic sensations connected to resentment, there is some description of muscles engaging. The fist clenches, the shoulders get tight, the arms get tight. And often, we can help clients to complete that urge to push away.
For that purpose, I have to help the client notice the resentment without in any way minimizing it, or suggesting that it’s a problem, because then the fight response will get turned on me. Which is not terribly helpful for either of us. I can ask them to notice the resentment. I can even call it anger, or indignation. And then ask them to notice how their body is experiencing the resentment. If the client is still fixated, and that can happen.
I’m thinking about my failed case with someone with deep-seated resentment. What I didn’t do with her, that I would have done now, is I would have reframed the resentment as a positive. I would have said, “Good for you. Even though it costs you so much to feel that anger and resentment, you’re holding them accountable.” Or I could say, “Congratulations. It’s hard to hold on to resentment for so long, because it’s so painful, but good for you, because you’re not going to let these people off the hook.”
When you reframe something positively, it’s easier for clients to say, “Yeah, I’m holding them accountable, but my life is miserable.” Then I could say, “Good point. So what you’re saying is, it’s costing you a lot to hold on to this resentment.” Those are the best ways to challenge resentment. I think it’s very, very hard. I feel empathy for the client whose resentment ended our therapy because eventually, she came to resent me. I think it was inevitable, because there was no one in her life toward whom she didn’t feel resentful. Which then, makes me think, “Okay, that’s probably feeling memory that’s getting attach to all the different players in her life, including her therapist, unfortunately.”
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Resentment can keep clients stuck in the past – and slow their progress in therapy . That’s why we created the course on Practical Strategies for Working with Deep-Seated Resentment, with expert insights from Thema Bryant, PhD; Christopher Willard, PsyD; Janina Fisher, PhD; Terry Real, MSW, LICSW; Rick Hanson, PhD; and more.
Now we’d like to hear from you. How do you help clients work through resentment? Please leave a comment below.
Thanks Janina and NICABM team for this beautiful introduction to resentment and its likely origins: I always think of resentment as the (thwarted) anger response of the powerless, or those who do not perceive their power/agency to effect change in any given situation. Sadly, this can play out politically even on global scales when a false sense of power is found in resentments colluding. Those who feel resentment (most of us some or much of the time) do so usually with good cause. I find with clients that this cause needs to be heard and validated. If I can get clients to the point where they can see the cost of their resentment for themselves – and Janina gives some wonderful suggestions in this regard – then they are usually willing to let the resentment go. In trauma situations this letting go often needs to be practised regularly (my experience) even to the point of becoming an on-going spiritual practice.
Rosalind (from Aotearoa New Zealand)
I think it was Dr Judith Herman who explained in one video that people who are raped are less likely to experience ongoing trauma if they have a support network, if people believe them and are understanding and supportive. So these people who are still experiencing trauma have probably dealt with an entire lifetime of people telling them they don’t believe it or think it was that big of a deal, to just get over it. Maybe being potentially the first person in their lives who says to them, “Oh, I get it! That’s a terrible thing to have happened to you!” will allow them to finally stop trying to defend themselves and actually let it go.
I like Janina’s “embrace of the resentment” and the somatic attachment to anger, rather than trying to take it away or redirect and then reframe it in a positive context and then move on past it to a more hopeful expression of possibility.
The meta communication needs to be addressed
Not I have been wronged but the meaning made of being wronged
I don’t matter the shame pain that needs to be addressed that the client in being unseen has no value
And the conflict of the internal protest which remains unresolved
OMG. I work with Inuit with tremendous trauma past and present. So much anger/resentment gets transferred on to me and then the client leaves and resumes where they left off with family friends and community. Janine makes sense and hits the nail on the head. How I encourage clients to work through their past and present is through free association writing. I explain about the inner critic and how it can block memories from coming to the surface. In conjunction with that I will talk about forgiveness and that it serves and can soothe the self. Like a letting go of blame and anger. Very difficult to let go. I do give empathy and I find that it can have many tones. How I give empathy to one person may look and feel different to another person. Although it can help to soften that protective shell people wear 24 hours a day, they really do have to learn to trust their innate ability to sense when and how to leave a dangerous situation.
Thank you for this information. I have had to figure out difficulties and feeling shut down myself when with clients suffering with resentment.
From my own mistakes with clients and happily with NICABM trainings I appreciated too late to help a couple of clients but was enlightened eventually!
It isn’t easy but at the time I resorted to being as grounded and holding as I could be. I think I tuned in too much and my own prefrontal cortex went into shut down! Sometimes resolution in understanding is the balm for the therapist and to find out how to be with angry, resentful clients.Thank you again.
I can relate to what you are saying. When someone explodes with anger in front of you how do you regain a therapeutic alliance to help the client regain control of themselves. We have to be so careful with our counter transference. Staying heartful and empathetic I believe is the saving grace for the client and helper therapist. Even when they walk out the door and blame you for not helping them. Often times people come in looking for immediate satisfaction
This is a beautiful Piece and is interesting way to look at at how the incomplete aspects of childhood trauma weave their way through the life of the person and their actions and the actions of others.
My heart goes out to that client, I cannot imagine anyone not finding you a beautiful therapist to work with!
Good ideas, but the background noise was creepy and disturbing, and was triggering my defenses. Going to the transcript helped