Working With Your Client’s Traumatic Memories
with Bessel van der Kolk, MD
and Ruth Buczynski, PhD
Sometimes we remember what seem like the smallest, most insignificant details of our lives – an 8th grade locker combination, a story heard at a party years ago, or all the lines from a favorite movie.
These memories – full of facts, words, and events – are explicit memories.
But there are different kinds of memories – ones that are evoked by sights, sounds, or even smells.
For example, the smell of coffee percolating atop a gas stove could bring back Sunday afternoons around the table with beloved grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins.
On the other hand, being surprised by the scent of a particular aftershave, for instance, could elicit feelings of fear, panic, or even terror.
A person who was traumatized as a child might re-experience the all-too-familiar sensations of quivering in fear or breaking out in a cold sweat.
And it may have very little to do with the verbal thought process of, “Oh, this reminds me of the incident of my father hitting me.”
Traumatic memory is formed and stored very differently than everyday memory.
So let’s take a closer look at what happens when a person experiences trauma.
What Happens When the Brain Can’t Process Trauma
Dr. Van der Kolk: If a person was abused as a child, the brain can become wired to believe, “I’m a person to whom terrible things happen, and I better be on the alert for who’s going to hurt me now.”
Those are conscious thoughts that become stored in a very elementary part of the brain.
But what happens to adults when they become traumatized by something terrible they’ve experienced?
Simply put, the brain becomes overwhelmed. That’s because the thalamus shuts down and the entire picture of what happened can’t be stored in their brain.
So instead of forming specific memories of the full event, people who have been traumatized remember images, sights, sounds, and physical sensations without much context.
And certain sensations just become triggers of the past.
You see, the brain continually forms maps of the world – maps of what is safe and what is dangerous.
That’s how the brain becomes wired. People carry an internal map of who they are in relationship to the world. That becomes their memory system, but it’s not a known memory system like that of verbal memories.
It’s an implicit memory system.
What that means is that a particular traumatic incident may not be remembered as a story of something that’s happened a long time ago. Instead, it gets triggered by sensations that people are experiencing in the present that can activate their emotional states.
It’s a much more elementary, organic level of a single sensation triggering the state of fear.
A person might keep thinking about the sensation and say, “Oh, this must be because it reminds me of the time that my father hit me.”
But that’s not the connection that the mind makes at that particular time.
How the Lack of Context Impacts Treatment
So what difference will it make in our work, knowing that a traumatic memory was encoded without context?
It’s important to recognize that PTSD, or the experience of trauma is not about the past. It’s about a body that continues to behave and organize itself as if the experience is happening right now.
When we’re working with people who have been traumatized, it’s crucial to help them learn how to field the present as it is and to tolerate whatever goes on. The past is only relevant in as far as it stirs up current sensations, feelings, emotions and thoughts.
The story about the past is just a story that people tell to explain how bad the trauma was, or why they have certain behaviors.
But the real issue is that trauma changes people. They feel different and experience certain sensations differently.
That’s why the main focus of therapy needs to be helping people shift their internal experience or, in other words, how the trauma is lodged inside them.
How Talking Can Distract a Client from Feeling
Now, in helping people learn to stay with their sensations, we need to resist the temptation to ask them to talk about their experience and what they’re aware of.
This is because talking can convey a defense against feeling.
Through the use of brain imagery, we’ve learned that when people are feeling something very deeply, one particular area of the brain lights up.
And we’ve seen other images taken when people are beginning to talk about their trauma and, when they do, another part of the brain lights up.
So talking can be a distraction from helping patients notice what is going on within themselves.
And that’s why some of the best therapy is very largely non-verbal, where the main task of the therapist is to help people to feel what they feel - to notice what they notice, to see how things flow within themselves, and to reestablish their sense of time inside.
Why Restoring the Sense of Time Can Make Emotions More Bearable
All too often, when people feel traumatized, their bodies can feel like they’re under threat even if it’s a beautiful day and they’re in no particular danger.
So our task becomes helping people to feel those feelings of threat, and to just notice how the feelings go away as time goes on.
The body never stays the same because the body is always in a state of flux.
It’s important to help a patient learn that, when a sensation comes up, it’s okay to have it because something else will come next.
This is one way we can help patients re-establish this sense of time which gets destroyed by the trauma.
Sensations and emotions become intolerable for clients because they think, “This will never come to an end.”
But once a patient knows that something will come to an end, their whole attitude changes.
Now we'd like to hear from you. How will you use these ideas on traumatic memory in your work with your patients?
Please leave a comment below.
Michelle, CA says
Forgiveness, not meaning you allow that they’ve done that to you but understanding that they did what they thought was right at the time to their knowledge. By holding on we’re only hurting ourselves. To be free is to forgive.
Beverley Dennis, Counseling, GB says
Ok. I agree, because sometimes, survivors of dreadful traumas, did nothing to contribute to the problem yet are blamed, adding to the problem. Bless
me, Other, GB says
But Michelle, sometimes people know very well that what they do is/was wrong.
Jami, Counseling, Bellevue , WA, USA says
EMDR… only thing that has been able to help reprocess my trauma
Dylan, Another Field, Santa barbara, CA, USA says
Being in the present moment, deep listening, following my own gut and intuition, being open to invention, a plethora of tools for welcoming alleviation if suffering, and at times, to alchemically and shamanically and creatively re-create the moment to facilitate balance.
Dolores, Clergy, Upper Marlboro , MD, USA says
What happens when you are afraid to be alone especially at night, when you are afraid of animals, when you are afraid to look at your bills, when you are afraid to pray in a group, when you are afraid to express yourself to someone. What is wrong with me?
Beverley Dennis pastor., Clergy, GB says
Bless. Nothing wrong with you that cannot be straightened.
You just need to understand who you are ment to be. Gen 1:26 can help, since you’re a believer. I picked up on this because you’ve mentioned not being able to pray.
In Gen 1:26; God communicated to human beings, knowledge that we have been created to have dominion over all things. Even creeping things even mind control which tells us that ‘something is wrong with us’ thats why we cant move on.
Moving on.
There’s a way to move on in your life and do all the things youve listed as unable to do.
How will this be possible?
It’s possible through belief in the power of God’s word as powerful enough to begin to solve all problems in our lives.
Begin to believe that the Lord created you to have dominion over all things and this includes the ‘spirit’ of fear.
The Lord gave you dominion over it. The scripture said
“God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of Boldness, of Love And Of,
A SOUND MIND.
Stop concentrating on what you think you can’t do, and believe that as a believer walking with Jesus and he with you, even in problems, he will make a way, when you least expect it.
You can do all those things you fear through Christ Jesus who liveth in you.
If you believe in him, stop the worry now and try again. It’s your faith Wii make him ask! ‘Who touched me
Come on now woman, try again. God made you to take control of all things, not the other way around.
Bless
Jenny, Other, GB says
My son has been diagnosed with this and he is in quite a bad way he calls me speaks to me as if I’m dirt says I don’t understand him and now he won’t even speak to me and I don’t no what I can do about it I have told him to go back to doctors as he thinks his girlefriend is helping but I don’t think she is as she has bipolar .
Owain Owen, Nursing, GB says
I am a retired Community Mental Health Nurse from Wales.
I worked for Cwm Taf Health.
We had a wnoderful Consultant Psychologist, Dr. lucy Johnston whomintroduced Trauma to our team.
This made a vast difference to our practice.
We were encouraged to accept peoples trauma. This made our patients/clients, more willing to work with us and they imroved quicker.
I preferred the time line to suppprt my trauma patients. It worked and gave them control.
Could you include Wales in the Country option as our health ser ice is different and independant of England/UK
Diolch am byth.
Nicole Carter, USA says
What do you do when you have a fear that you cant explain of doctots phones and making and keeping appointments but suffer from depression anxiety and ptsd it causes a serious prob in my every day life im a mom and want this too end
margaret glenton, Psychotherapy, GB says
Using short term dynamic psychotherapy Jon Fredrickson helps this process and teaching about the polyvagal system
Sherry Reidford, Other, GB says
This is not something I do with clients. This is to do with personal experience.
Silky, Psychotherapy, GB says
Just learning what happens in the brain visibly lifts my clients up and opens doors to healing. So happy research is moving in the direction it is!
Ann Blaine Davidson, Student, Fayetteville, NC, USA says
Controlled breathing and simple tasks like sweeping or washing dishes, putting on laundry, bring me back to the present. mindfulness training that emphasizes doing things that matter to my life, just in small ways such as I have mentioned here. Yoga teacher training is providing a context for my schizophrenia as well, so my experiences are not so unique to me and that is helpful to get away from feelings of isolation and despair. it is not crazy to discuss phenomenon with people in the yoga community, at the same time, I realize I could sound really crazy to the teacher and other students, which helps me edit, shape up my memories and focus exactly, rather than not being able to stop talking, flooding with memories.
Terry, Coach, Crystal Lake , IL, USA says
Traumatic life experiences are so different for each person! The brain is an unbelievable organ! In recent years neuroscience has just begun to touch the surface of understanding this unbelievable harddrive of a brain! I am trying to survive PTSD, as well, from more than one trauma?. First find your faith and pray!!!!???. Next, find a Neuroscience doctor, learn Yoga and meditation, this will increase oxygen to your brain, clean up your diet, eat as clean and healthy as you can(Juice Plus)!!!! Find something you are really good at, let it take you to a good place. Find a Dolphin Neurostim (needless acupuncture) health coach, then try BrainTap! Find a great listener/counselor. All the above are roads to healing the brain! Always remember to thank God for healing you!
Lisa Bowen, Coach, AU says
I find timelines one of the most powerful ways to shift traumatic memoriez
Julie, Another Field, Somerset , MA, USA says
Always let them see the other side then stop talking,let them see it , most of the time they will calm right down , don’t ever ask about it just watch they will change it sometimes something can trigger it again but it will be less , say the other side again walk away I find it to go away but it also depends on how many layers of trauma thy have thank you sooo much for this
Karen, Another Field, Santa Barbara, CA, USA says
I grew up in a profoundly abusive household. I later had a T.B.I. I have no essential memories.
The only memory I have is the year I graduated from High School and Graduate School. (M.A’s in Speech Pathology, Clinical Audiology, and coursework for a degree in Psychology) I believe that my clinical skills helped retain some memories when I was younger. I am 63 years old and really can’t recall much of my life. My Psychiatrist: ADHD, Major Depression, Anxiety) has stated that my Memory problems are due to my T.B.I.
However, growing up with a Mother who had a Borderline Personality Disorder, a Father that was Selective Mute, and a brother who has a Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
The more I read about stress related to Sleep Disorders, ADHD,
Depression, etc. I am not sure what could be the contributing factor.
My short-term memory was tested in 1992 at 2%. (Sucks and now I am sure that it is much worse.)
I don’t remember a day that I didn’t suffer a degree of Trauma.
I am very concerned about my future. Can you tell me if I can have hope? Does it matter what the contributing factor may be?
RE: Clients that don’t take responsibility.
I am in the usual position. I stopped my clinical practice a few years ago. I had a strong visual memory. I knew what to do when I saw something, yet if the object was taken away, I had no memory of what to do.
Yes, I got frustrated when clients didn’t take responsibility.
However, I believe it is the role of the clinician to outline the goals, treatment plan, and the consequence. I believe that it’s crucial to understand the client’s emotional state during treatment.
Sometimes, I felt that I had struggled so much that I couldn’t understand why the clients couldn’t put out any effort.
I learned that projecting my opinion on anyone destroys the relationship and eliminates any chance of better communication.
Any ideas for retrieving memory are helpful!
BTW Why don’t you have a category for Speech Pathologist?
Below.
Thank you again for your support
Lee-Anna Godfrey, CA says
I have survived many different forms of trauma in my 47 yrs on this earth but I can’t remember most of my life..just bits and pieces..so I go on my FB and ask for friends to help me remember parts… I get some clarification and help and sometimes I
get triggered to the past emotions of that traumas but still can’t remember the actual experiences ..its very frustrating.
I have been in various counseling and it helped me find me again but still no real concrete memories…I still struggle with this daily.
Andrea, Psychology, Capitola, CA, USA says
Thank you for this article. Simple and to the point!
Catherine Morse, Another Field, Portland , ME, USA says
I am a Perfusionist and where I work we are seeing more patients on VV Ecmo from influenza. These patients are ln the critical care section and on respiratory life support. Due to their periferal cannulation they are awake and can be ambulated. Upon wakening these patients I personally want to help support them. There are many nurses, PT, OT, surgeons and such to consult with and I wondered what your thoughts might be.
Tracy elie Robertson, Other, GB says
As a patient. I guess I had to many items for her to write down in the allocated time I was given.
She asked me what my expectations were——
I replied my body,my emotions, my analytical brain. Don’t seem to tie up with each other. Everything feels disconnected. I want you to fix me ooops. Bad context: I meant help me to understand why I am this way.
She told me to go away. Come back for another assessment, to think about what I want to work on. ——I asked aren’t you supposed to know what I need. Your the assessor aren’t you the one that gives out a label. Anxiety depression bi polar whatever it maybe …. so you can decide the treatment plan. Have I to do your job too
She reminded me 5 times that our time was up come back in a months time 8:30 or 9:30—- I said 8:30. To her surprise I started crying saying I want to live.
So the initial date of recommendation for an assessment was on November 2014. I got a cancellation appointment on the Friday for 21 jan 2019
I died inside a bullet in the heart. My life is over. I had to beg a doctor to give me a something right there and more for a back up. I had to beg.
I will be on time for the appointment but will the assessor be on time? Track record would say No.
From Monday till Wednesday that bullet hole remained with me
Remember tomorrow will always be brighter, have hope, you have lasted this long huh Stay safe ?.
D.Arthur, Social Work, CA says
Our clients often feel it is easier to blame others because otherwise it can lead to shame and guilt. I have found it is important to ask them how to bring those feelings into their own control. Not necessarily blame but think of it as control and empowering yourself. How do YOU become responsible for that?
Barbara, Other, GB says
Try to explain, that there are other ways to explain the situation they think is bad.
You could explain in as many ways as you can and suggest no one at the moment can give the answer, when the upsetting person can explain and it may not been any of what you explained.
Holly, Other, Mesa, AZ, USA says
I have a feeling come across me, that is triggered by the outdoor atmosphere. The smells and the intensity of the sun are part of it. I have no specific memory associated with it, and lots of traumatic events so I don’t know where it comes from. Just a feeling of pure dread, like a bottomless pit of dispair. This article is very interesting. I can relate to the loss of time. Lots of lost time, memories really. It becomes confusing and is a distraction. Should I pay closer attention to the feeling instead of trying to understand the why? This did bring me to wonder if it’s because one of the traumatic events happened during this time of year. To deal with it I mostly try and detach from the feeling by coming back to the now, where my space is safe and try to observe the mental story telling in my head instead of letting it direct my thoughts.
Kate, Osteopathic Physician, GB says
I work as a Cranial Osteopath, not just working with th mind but also with stored tissue memory, which offer goes right back into embryological memory via the mother and even further back into genetic memory. But it has to surface into the mind and be dealt with there.
Amanda, Psychotherapy, GB says
I need to urgently speak with someone about my daughter (30). Urgent
Dawn, Stress Management, GB says
This information is very clear and easy to understand.
I work with meditation and Reiki to help heal past traumas. And also incorporating the Bach flower remedies which help to release old feelings, and enable you to move into a more uplifting space. Working with forgiveness of themselves, and then others is really effective.
The Bach flower remedies help to heal your emotions and your perception of what happened. It then enables you to release and move beyond the trauma.
Janet Holden, Another Field, New york, NY, USA says
Ask why they choose to have a need to blame, is it to feel better about themselves, as a confident builder? That would be my opening line
Anna-Marie Smothers, Teacher, TN, USA says
As a recovering alcoholic of 33 years, which also means I’m striving to overcome any defect that stands in the way of my usefulness to God, I can easily recall how I blamed all my problems on my parents when I first came into AA. I was soon to turn 23 when I came into the program, and I was filled with resentments that were buried deep within me.
My exterior facade presented a different picture. Most saw me as kind, sweet, and hard-working. Years before I found AA, which I was introduced to “through” a 28-day treatment center, I had sought counseling. Antidepressants had been recommended by the psychiatrist, and the psychologist talked to me about my parents. If I’m not mistaken, it was Scott Peck who said anytime a child came into his office for counseling, it was really the parents he was looking at. There’s certainly truth to that, but what I have found about any defect of character or any addiction is that one has to “concede to his innermost self” that that problem is 100% one’s own— not borrowed, not passed down through the family, not the result of an abusive spouse.
For example, I once blamed my husband for my return to drug usage since he and his friends surrounded me and used in front of me. My stance st the time was “I wouldn’t have used if you hadn’t done it in front of me!!”
What I was blessed to have realized is that I used because I am an addict. People who don’t like sardines don’t eat them just because someone puts a can of sardines in front of them.
There’s a saying I heard, which goes something like this (—I heard a parent say this to her child): Your problems may have my face all over them, but your solutions need to have your face all over them.
One way to help a client who blames his problems on others might be to help him see, perhaps through a serious set of questions leading to deep self-examination, what has come forth from his hands, his mouth, his actions.
Questions I recently answered in a workbook from the ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) program (and not ACoA or Al-Anon) led me to writingvwhat actions of others had hurt me but then later carried me to seeing how I had done the same hurtful actions to others. Boy, was that hard hitting!! And humbling.
I suppose people that are blaming others don’t know their own power yet. I didn’t. And maybe people who blame others and just too afraid to stop running (and blaming) in circles. That’s the way I was. I think people who blame and are afraid might need, as I did, to know that “there is One who has all power.” The tricky part is the person has to have a willingness to reach.
I don’t know if willingness can be created by anyone but the Divine, but those who have been given that spark an pass it on to those who are willing to receive it.
Therefore, another way to help blamers is to let them hear stories from those who share their experience, strength, and hope about overcoming the hopeless cycle of blaming.
That’s enough for now.
Roma, Another Field, CA says
Dear Anna-Marie, I can’t turn away from your wise and piercing words. I might have convinced myself that I no longer blame my parents, but my appearance, my house, and my own parenting show the world otherwise. Thank you for sharing, and God bless.
Paul Standbrook, Counseling, GB says
This article is really useful – thank you.
I sometimes use the rewind technique but only when the client is deeply relaxed.
I often use simple meditation early in the process and guided visualisation later on.
The message that all of life is always changing and that both ‘good” and ‘bad’ feelings will pass is always powerful x
Mary, Psychotherapy, Lancaster , PA, USA says
Dance/ Movement Therapy
Arlene, Lincoln, ME, USA says
Interested in trauma healing
Lea Lukk, GB says
Sense of time is always connected to reality, to the current environment. Some external events, like operations, can damage it, yes. But I don’t believe that strong connection with emotional memory.
Liz ONeill, Another Field, Brookline, VT, USA says
I get them to look at how that other person is responsible and to look at how that has affected them. I have them notice what is missing in their life because of these people. I invite them to feel the emotions around that. I want them to think of ways they can fill their own needs. I don’t approach it in a way that addresses their not taking responsibility for their own behavior. I suspect it goes much deeper. If they can learn to nurture themselves, they won’t feel as much like a victim and thus need to blame others.
Kathleen, Other, Hot springs, VA, USA says
I think dmt is a wonderful tool to activate what is already a part of us and guide us through healing . I believe the space held for someone is crucial to the effectiveness of this tool .. sometimes I like to refer to dmt as the back up plan .
Gillian, Counseling, GB says
What is the dmt tool?
Jim Moody, Teacher, Vancouver, WA, USA says
Thank you for a very interesting interesting article. parts of it seem to correlate with the success that some people of had using narrative writing with PTSD veterans. By writing down the traumatic experience the triggering memory is identified as being in the past. This apparently is why the technique is effective. I’d be interested to hear your comments on this
Jani, Teacher, AU says
I am beginning to recognise my anxiety becoming acute and beyond my control when triggered. It is time for me to seek help before I become engulfed.
Joan DeHaven, Other, North East, MD, USA says
I survived Septic Shock in 2005. I have PTSD/Anxiety, Static Encephalopathy, with memory loss, emotional and many others. Wondering if critical illness or NDE can be helped.
Thanks
Wilma McCartney, GB says
Thank you I’ve found this very interesting,I can’t seem to escape from past traumas ,there is no set time or occasions, reasons or actions when visions appear in my mind of the many traumas that have damaged my life ,I don’t always understand the reasoning of my reactions but I know I need to remove myself from this lonely place I’ve been left in ,to try to explain I need to relive everything which is what I struggle each day to avoid ,so where is the compromise ,I would very much like to read more of your theory ,I came across your post by chance and found it very interesting it very much mirrors how I feel and understand as to correcting the thought patterns of trauma and would be what I myself would relate to other people , I would appreciate further correspondence from you ,Many Thanks
Myra, Teacher, Phoenix, AZ, USA says
I learned how powerful this is in my own experience. Because of the book Real Love by dr. Greg Baer and support groups. I no longer am terrified of my own feelings. It’s okay to grieve, it’s okay to hurt, actually that means we’re Fully Alive. Allowing myself to have my feelings allows them to leave
Charlotte Holtry, Other, Summerville , SC, USA says
I lost my son and husband 4 months apart. Both from disease. It has been over 10 years but I’m still suffering very much and my whole personality has changed. I can’t make or keep friends. Does my sadness show?
k reeve, Other, GB says
After many years of excellent therapy with two therapists…I’d say knowing when to challenge is part of the skill and part of the calibre of the pt/ client relation ship. Blaming others is for many of us an essential defence against bearing too much of the pain… too soon. Of course it is also true that only as and when I the victim can take charge of that wounding can I get help to really heal…thankfully there are folk who are prepared to do such patient work. But neither all patients or therapists can or should or will. Timing is key here…I speak as one…Being walking wounded myself…who falls out of time in sessions…but gradually connects…gradually! Thankyou for the postings.
Elizavetta, Another Field, GB says
I am a person working through a life time of traumas so it’s interesting reading as I am trying in my 60’s to sort it out to have a full inner peacefull life forward . It’s not easy but I am doing my best
Olivia Coombe, Counseling, AU says
FasterEFT
Liz Camarie, Other, Santa Cruz, CA, USA says
I am not a therapist, but I have experienced several traumas and worked on them in different therapeutic settings. So, as I move through my disease and learn more about how I can manage when I get triggered, I feel less overwhelmed. I appreciate the knowledge I receive. So, I hope you will keep me on this list. Thanks!
Fiona Battrum, Social Work, GB says
As a therapist treating trauma victims you should be aware that the Victim your client may disclose allegations of a crime. You should make appropriate records of good quality and be aware that they may want to report the acts of terror or historic abuse. Natural disasters and war are slightly different generally in this respect but not necessarily. Then you can separate out with the client what is their responsibility for healing.
Lina, LT says
It is important to teach taking responsibility instead of blame others.
Sharon Williams, Counseling, GB says
I would be interested to know more.
Sarah, Other, CA says
When triggered by some phrase. Ie. The Great Sadness…I couldn’t pin point my sadness at the time. Later that evening, I laid in silence and asked myself. What is my greatest sadness right now. What caused me to become sad, while hearing that phrase from a book during book club. I spoke to myself in the silence and a name of my deceased foster daughter came to mind. I allowed the reservoir of tears to spill. I spoke with her, as I pictured her face. I told her everything I wanted to say. I missed her, I was angry with her, I told her about her daughter and grandchildren. I forgave her and myself. My body reacted. I had become sick ( this year in Dec) around the time she had died in 2013. In Dec. I did not know why my body was sick. After releasing the tears I thanked her for being my daughter from the age of 13 to 35. I can feel my body healing. Visualization is the key. Soul to Soul healing. I had blamed her for dying at a young age. Careless living, which in fact was her PTSD. She taught me a valuable lesson.
Deborah, Another Field, Derry, NH, USA says
Beautiful. ‘Thank you’ for sharing. My little sister was brutally murdered, in 2006. She was like a daughter to me. I was known as “Little Mama” ever since she was born. Since then, I’ve had some difficulty ‘feeling’ my love for her, though I miss her, dearly. I can feel empathy & sorrow for her also being molested by her Dad. This violation ultimately caused her to make poor friend choices, and trust strangers; believing they were her “friends.” I plan to quiet myself, with hope of ‘feeling’ again.
Gary glover, Counseling, CA says
Great little YouTube on blame from Brene brown reframes the the conversation and allows us to explore and own the feelings under the blame. drama triangle also a useful pattern perception to give us words to name the interactions.
Andrea, Another Field, GB says
Living with PTSD can stop people from living there lives fully and impact on the relationships they have with there loved ones.
Deborah, Another Field says
I totally agree! I’m 60 years old, and have experienced multiple traumas. I have extreme difficulty ‘feeling’ positive emotions. My family is unaware, because I compensate by “giving too much” of myself. My dream is to one day ‘feel and trust’ love.
Ann Wenger, Counseling, Lancaster, PA, USA says
It is important to find out why they blame others instead of taking responsibility. Were they traumatised when they were held responsible for past events? It’s their locus of control outside of themselves to such an extent that they cannot see themselves as having the power to be responsible for anything? Are the being manipulative?
Alice Griffin, Counseling, Silverton, OR, USA says
No, they are not being manipulative, although I have come a cross many counselors that have gotten angry with trauma survivors because they thought the client was being manipulative.
You have described the problems in your question.
Trauma only, I think, occurs when there is an imbalance of power between two people. If two people are equal, how can one terrorize the other?
“Acts of God” as the insurance industry used to tell us, are a different matter. There is no way to be equal to Mother Nature. Certainly there is a sense of impotence when thrown up against nature, and the locus of control is certainly outside of self.
The same is true for war.
In both of these instances, the locus of responsibility is outside the self, although one might blame someone for your having been in the situation at the time of the event. My own experience is that people tend to self blame when it is not really appropriate.
When a soldier feels guilty because they were in the restroom when the bomb hit the outpost, killing most of the soldier’s unit, including a well liked staff sergeant, that becomes an additional trauma.
When a child is sexually and/or physically abused, the locus of control is outside themselves, and they are not to blame. When you are 4 years old, and a grown man forces adult sex on you, HE is to blame, not the child. As an adult, if that child has never been able to have the trauma appropriately treated, that whole event still exists within them, as the article says, untouched by time.
If you are asking why adult clients are unable to access their adult power to ‘deal’s with the old trauma, it is because the trauma is still embodied by the child they were, who did not have the power. That is what we, the professionals are charged with…finding ways to help the trapped child inside walk into the present, perhaps holding our hand, to experience the truth that they DO have the power to deal with it, and they were not to blame.
Deborah, Another Field, Derry, NH, USA says
AMEN!! I have never met a professional who truly believes and understands this; let alone is willing to do the job. 🙁
Olivia Coombe, Counseling, AU says
FasterEFT
Angela, Teacher, Bentonville , AR, USA says
Alice Griffin, can you be my therapist?
Lesley, CA says
Locus of control. Thank you thank you. trauma began inutro and was compounded by 5 families 3 different names 2 adoptions 1 ended with me going into failure to thrive between 8-14 months.All of this by 19 months. My attachment style is Secure Dismissive. And OMG I’ve been led my whole life by this and the attending difficulties are all classic. High resilience and the final family I got had 4 children 3 of which were adopted. These parents (my parents) had a plan to raise healthy strong independent children and they gave me Skills. Sadly I didn’t attach and I did not realize they loved me until I was 37. I was raised to be responsible for myself in fact I raised me using the skills I was given. I have been held responsible for creating my difficulties. Locus of Control I am not responsible. Thank you. it is the very specific policies the government created that moved infants around like furniture so that no one would become attached. 65 this year I did not know my beginnings were trauma because no one set out to harm me
Jenny Swain, Nursing, AU says
It’s important to acknowledge then be able to let go. It’s not healthy to hang on.
Carolyn Maslowski, Teacher, Lockport , NY, USA says
I blame others.