Working With Your Client’s Traumatic Memories
with Bessel van der Kolk, MD
and Ruth Buczynski, PhD
Sometimes we remember what seem like the smallest, most insignificant details of our lives – an 8th grade locker combination, a story heard at a party years ago, or all the lines from a favorite movie.
These memories – full of facts, words, and events – are explicit memories.
But there are different kinds of memories – ones that are evoked by sights, sounds, or even smells.
For example, the smell of coffee percolating atop a gas stove could bring back Sunday afternoons around the table with beloved grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins.
On the other hand, being surprised by the scent of a particular aftershave, for instance, could elicit feelings of fear, panic, or even terror.
A person who was traumatized as a child might re-experience the all-too-familiar sensations of quivering in fear or breaking out in a cold sweat.
And it may have very little to do with the verbal thought process of, “Oh, this reminds me of the incident of my father hitting me.”
Traumatic memory is formed and stored very differently than everyday memory.
So let’s take a closer look at what happens when a person experiences trauma.
What Happens When the Brain Can’t Process Trauma
Dr. Van der Kolk: If a person was abused as a child, the brain can become wired to believe, “I’m a person to whom terrible things happen, and I better be on the alert for who’s going to hurt me now.”
Those are conscious thoughts that become stored in a very elementary part of the brain.
But what happens to adults when they become traumatized by something terrible they’ve experienced?
Simply put, the brain becomes overwhelmed. That’s because the thalamus shuts down and the entire picture of what happened can’t be stored in their brain.
So instead of forming specific memories of the full event, people who have been traumatized remember images, sights, sounds, and physical sensations without much context.
And certain sensations just become triggers of the past.
You see, the brain continually forms maps of the world – maps of what is safe and what is dangerous.
That’s how the brain becomes wired. People carry an internal map of who they are in relationship to the world. That becomes their memory system, but it’s not a known memory system like that of verbal memories.
It’s an implicit memory system.
What that means is that a particular traumatic incident may not be remembered as a story of something that’s happened a long time ago. Instead, it gets triggered by sensations that people are experiencing in the present that can activate their emotional states.
It’s a much more elementary, organic level of a single sensation triggering the state of fear.
A person might keep thinking about the sensation and say, “Oh, this must be because it reminds me of the time that my father hit me.”
But that’s not the connection that the mind makes at that particular time.
How the Lack of Context Impacts Treatment
So what difference will it make in our work, knowing that a traumatic memory was encoded without context?
It’s important to recognize that PTSD, or the experience of trauma is not about the past. It’s about a body that continues to behave and organize itself as if the experience is happening right now.
When we’re working with people who have been traumatized, it’s crucial to help them learn how to field the present as it is and to tolerate whatever goes on. The past is only relevant in as far as it stirs up current sensations, feelings, emotions and thoughts.
The story about the past is just a story that people tell to explain how bad the trauma was, or why they have certain behaviors.
But the real issue is that trauma changes people. They feel different and experience certain sensations differently.
That’s why the main focus of therapy needs to be helping people shift their internal experience or, in other words, how the trauma is lodged inside them.
How Talking Can Distract a Client from Feeling
Now, in helping people learn to stay with their sensations, we need to resist the temptation to ask them to talk about their experience and what they’re aware of.
This is because talking can convey a defense against feeling.
Through the use of brain imagery, we’ve learned that when people are feeling something very deeply, one particular area of the brain lights up.
And we’ve seen other images taken when people are beginning to talk about their trauma and, when they do, another part of the brain lights up.
So talking can be a distraction from helping patients notice what is going on within themselves.
And that’s why some of the best therapy is very largely non-verbal, where the main task of the therapist is to help people to feel what they feel - to notice what they notice, to see how things flow within themselves, and to reestablish their sense of time inside.
Why Restoring the Sense of Time Can Make Emotions More Bearable
All too often, when people feel traumatized, their bodies can feel like they’re under threat even if it’s a beautiful day and they’re in no particular danger.
So our task becomes helping people to feel those feelings of threat, and to just notice how the feelings go away as time goes on.
The body never stays the same because the body is always in a state of flux.
It’s important to help a patient learn that, when a sensation comes up, it’s okay to have it because something else will come next.
This is one way we can help patients re-establish this sense of time which gets destroyed by the trauma.
Sensations and emotions become intolerable for clients because they think, “This will never come to an end.”
But once a patient knows that something will come to an end, their whole attitude changes.
Now we'd like to hear from you. How will you use these ideas on traumatic memory in your work with your patients?
Please leave a comment below.
Victoria Thwaites, Nursing, GB says
I fight within myself every day over past trama every year I think will be better and it just gets worse to the point I feel I have to end it. Regards Victoria
Penny Fisher, Nursing, Lansdowne , PA, USA says
It is interesting. I think that is difficult to do though as one does not know when one will become traumatized…
Joyce, Social Work, Spokane , WA, USA says
Dear Victoria, I hope you find a Certified Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing therapist. It is not talk therapy. It is a protocol that resolves each strand on the chain of trauma. You deserve joy in your life!
Enez Bosley, Psychotherapy, GB says
This is challenging. I help clients to explore their thoughts and feelings in relation to the event by acknowledging and validating them. We discuss their meaning and explore strategies to rationalise them so that clients can put them into perpective. There also has to be discussion around the circumstances, because they may be occasions when others are actaully to blame. Threfore, this needs to be put in to context and what this means for the client.
Lois Carr, Social Work, Battle Creek, MI, USA says
This is a fascinating article. Are there any videos available that explain this dynamic at a deeper level?
Michelle, Marriage/Family Therapy, GB says
Exploring the idea/suggestion that we are all responsible for our own feelings.
Jennifer Wilkinson, Psychology, Orlando, FL, USA says
You are a hero. I know now that some of us are subjected to these harsh trials and tribulations so we can help others. Someone like you ( like me ) are blessed with a fierce heart to brave going back into these dark places and help others trapped there.
I was blind, but now I see. Thank you for sharing your heart with others.
C. Wilson, Other, Long Beach, CA, USA says
We have to find the positive message, move past the pain, hurt and disappointment from each experience; and instead concentrate, redirect or extract the meaning each circumstance presents, allowing us to accept the opportunity designed to initiate growth to inevitably discover our purpose.
C.
Mari Hayden, Counseling, GB says
I work with a trauma counselling service in Swansea, Wales UK. We use the focusing approach by Eugene Gendlin and find it empowers our clients to gain confidence in allowing and processing emotions from their past and present
Felicity Hansen, Another Field, GB says
To restore my sense of time, and my ability to separate the present from the past, I bought an Alzheimer’s clock that tells me (in large letters) what DAY it is, what PART of the day (Morning, afternoon, evening, night, pre-dawn), the time and the date.
Iulia Crut, Psychotherapy, RO says
I use EMDR, mindfullnes techniques
machtel Hauer, Another Field, NL says
Two sides of the same coin. One either blames oneself and cries or one blames the other and rages. Both, deathly afraid of that no man’s land of sorrow and loss. The first might be just a little bit nearer to compassion. What guides them through Hades are the same qualities they lacked and longed for: knowledge (preferably, lived through knowledge) patience, respect, attention, love.. and love again.
kate mulligan, Another Field, SEASIDE, CA, USA says
thank you
makes sense
Janyne McConnaughey, Ph.D. Educator, Other, Colorado Springs, CO, USA says
As a teacher educator, author, and survivor of childhood sexual abuse, understanding the role of feelings–how they were connected/generated by trauma, were stored, and often triggered was a long process which involved several years of intensive therapy (including EMDR). This is a concise, clear explanation. Learning not to run, but instead let the feeling wash over me was crucial to healing and an important part of what I am hoping to explain to others in my writing. Thank you for access!
Jean Tyers, Social Work, GB says
A very useful article. I recall feelings washing over me when my sister died, so I used to just sit with those feelings with my head in my hands until the feelings went away. Sometimes I did not know how to live through the next minute let alone the rest of the day! But I have, & remember the happy times we shared – 20years on next week. Thank you for the article
Arlene Williamson, Other, UM says
I hope you will forward that article to the email I just entered as I don’t know how to get back to the Facebook copy or your name..thanks..Arlene Williamson. Spiritwing43@aol.com
Ellie Neary, Nursing, CA says
I work with most of my clients using basic CBT skills. Trying to help them acknowledge their emotions and the sensations that go along with them. I also work a lot on core skills and maintaining a healthy body to make it easier to create a healthy mind. For most I find it is a long process and starts with very basic self care.
Lana, Other, Adheville, NC, USA says
It goes deeper than that.
Everything freezes in that monent. Maturation and growth are halted at that point especially in youth. It is a crystalizayion of emotional/psychic energy that literally severs the mind from integration and higher consciousness..self. Shamans use soul retieval to aid, and energy workers address as an object..a literal blockage to thaw, like a cligged meridian in a cipuncture, a block to the flow of chi or prana in the field.
Time is a symptom…not the answer.
Jennifer Wilkinson, Psychology, Orlando, FL, USA says
Very insightful. I completely agree. Thank you for sharing this knowledge.
Zena, Counseling, GB says
People who blame others are avoidant. It is particularly difficult to deal with an avoidant personality. It can be very long winded and draining as a therapist and requires expert supervision. Challenging an avoidant personality can evoke strong emotions which the client may find difficult to control.
Troy, Other, AU says
People here keep mentioning “clients who blame others”, who are these people supposed to blame if they’ve been the victims of abuse? Is it the childs fault if they were born to a dysfunctional family where one of the parents is a psychopathic Narcissist and the other parent is an enabler of the abuse?
bashi luxton, Counseling, GB says
I truly understand what you are saying because it seems fair but it represents the practice of an eye for an eye. Three things here are vital to understand .. the first being the need to be validated. It is essential for healing that the client feels heard and understood and this cannot be faked. The second is the client is given a tool(s) to shift terrorizing emotions and memories. Talking about it is not enough because they re not in the conscious they are in the sub conscious. Lastly the act of forgiveness replaces the old eye for an eye response hence blaming others. Forgiveness sets you free it isn’t about them it is about you. It cannot be done until anger, resentment and rage have been heard and dealt with.
Evonne H, Another Field, Nanty Glo, PA, USA says
Ohh thank you. This is very much appreciated. Very helpful.
Franca, Psychotherapy, GB says
There seems to be a parallel with focussing and mindfulness based interventions…
Thank.you
Iris Bertrand, Social Work, CA says
yes. I have the book the body keeps score and it makes great sense to me and it has helped many of my clients.
john, Other, GB says
I recently suffered some homophobic bullying at work. My workplace gave me counseling and it turned out I have PTSD from being violently assaulted on about 7 different occasions in a year when I was 16. One of them, from which I managed to escape, was life-threatening. This is something I had never spoken about to anyone. I think what is said in this article about physical sensation is very true. I also find talking about it as openly as possible to friends really helpful. And I chant: nam-myoho-renge-kyo. Nicherin Buddhism. That really helps. Anything that gets the energy moving. The gym is good too. When I have these little flashbacks I try to feel the physical sensation in my body and then move it around, give it space, breath into it. Rather than rationalising the feeling or talking myself down, which I do later when the feeling has moved. I would recommend Dr Levine’s book on healing trauma. Thanks. Big love to everyone who is dealing with this. My prayers go out to you. J
Jeanne Stephens, Other, Kaunakakai, HI, USA says
I do a lot of listening. It’s better not to interrupt as that thought they are having and verbalizing can be lost.
Deb, Teacher, Ojai , CA, USA says
As a CPTSD survivor, I grew up in a religious cult and was abused physically, mentally and emotionally in a systematic child training program my mother ran for the church. In my 40s now I am beginning to recover from my past by learning new ways of thinking and being. I never knew that what I was experiencing were emotional flashbacks, I just felt fearful and confused and had been coerced as a child into never listening to my feelings. Becoming aware of this and listening to my feelings, focussing a great deal on self care and being kind and gentle to myself through restorative yoga, meditation and creative art, getting a therapist and posting daily reminders around my house have been helpful to me in resetting that fearful and constantly triggered, vigilant brain of mine. I believe the focus on guided breathing and mindfulness with a therapist is very healing.
Kristie Townsend, Stress Management, GB says
Try to guide them towards being mindful, personal responsibility and holistic wellness
Kathryn Erskine, Another Field, GB says
For inner peace, healing, ballancing and to experience your self-realization please look up here to find your local meeting near you where you can learn <3 free meditation http://www.sahajayoga.org
Me, Other, GB says
>>How do you work with clients who blame others for their problems?<<
If somebody crashes into your car and it's clearly their fault why shouldn't you blame them? Are you saying you should blame the person who got crashed into? Isn't the whole penal system designed to adress justice?
bashi luxton, GB says
I truly understand what you are saying because it seems fair but it represents the practice of an eye for an eye. Three things here are vital to understand .. the first being the need to be validated. It is essential for healing that the client feels heard and understood and this cannot be faked. The second is the client is given a tool(s) to shift terrorizing emotions and memories. Talking about it is not enough because they re not in the conscious they are in the sub conscious. Lastly the act of forgiveness replaces the old eye for an eye response hence blaming others. Forgiveness sets you free it isn’t about them it is about you. It cannot be done until anger, resentment and rage have been heard and dealt with.
Lorraine Lawrence, Counseling, GB says
I found this as Mish mash of different thearphys .
Implications for the counselor has the ” power ” to heal the client.
This is a very dangerous attitudes toward the part only of what is a complex and difficult situation for the client.
Johanna, Other, Oakland, USA says
Haven’t read or heard anything that
Resonates so fully as your piece does
Thank you for your writing style, do accesible!
Lynne, Another Field, AU says
Hello this sounds very helpful. I don’t understand what you mean by “breath into it”. I have heard this term many times before but don’t understand how to accomplish it. I know I sound stupid but I would really appreciate it if you could explain to me how to breath into a painful part of my body.
Thanking you in anticipation.
Regards
Lynne
Brenda Schwartz, Psychotherapy, Los Angeles , CA, USA says
I’m a 25yr veteran LCSW psychotherapist. My style of working with ptsd sufferers includes, but is not limited to: deep relaxation and breath work as a means of introduction to physiological sensations the patient has never been a aware of in depth. During the breathing session I speak very softly and speak of their strengths. I ask the patient to locate the place of most stress and breathe into it gently. This is repeated on subsequent sessions until the sensation can be sketched by them. We then use the drawing as a starting point leading to further sketches as the client learns to soothe themselves during flashbacks and intrusive thoughts. It is then when we use clients ability to offset the triggers by being aware of her bodily reactions. There’s more examining and adding color etc. this is not a time-limited approach.
Valerie, Another Field, CA says
Thank you. No one understands. They think I have made things up crazy ect. Buy in reality I am a very strong kind sensitive woman. Thank for this article. Opened my eyes. It is me that needs to understand and learn to surround my self with accepting people A great help
Donna Copley, Another Field, GB says
I can’t remember times in my childhood, but I know it’s relevant to how I behave as as adult.
Trish, Coach, AU says
Ask them to close their eyes and feel any sensations in their body. Breathe and be present. If nec ask them to tell themselves internally and maybe touch themselves in that area. Say to self “i am safe now. It is ok to feel and relax. ” maybe “i love myself just as i am” etc
Patricia, Other, AU says
Your article was of great help to me, in helping others. Thank you.
Trish Starr-Mercer, Another Field, GB says
With patience and understanding you can support someone who has suffered
Mary Morris, Student, Monroe , MI, USA says
The 4th and 5th steps in AA request a fearless moral inventory of thoughts, words and deeds. Alcoholic’s carry resentments into recovery, which they basically blame someone else for their trauma of betrayals and misfortunes. My part is to get them to see their part in what I would call a lucid moment.
Angela Cherry, Nutrition, Shelton, WA, USA says
That’s amazing I’ve tried explaining what happens to me. No one could correctly identify my problem. Thank you for that
Steve Sunkel, Another Field, Canal Winchester , OH, USA says
This is Mary’s husband and caregiver. August of 2016,Mary suffered traumatic brain injury as the result of one of four brain aneurysms rupturing . She has a lot of delusions,and cognitive issues. The neuropsychologists have told us, what you see is what you get. The neurosurgeon gave her a less than 5% chance of making it through the 1st 72 hours ,and they told me that if she ever came out of the coma,she would probably not even be able to swallow, let alone walk or talk. She is doing all those things
anna, Nursing, GB says
Have read the book ‘the body holds the score’.
Was amazing!!! Absolutely spot on!!! And I say that as a patient and a survivor and a nurse!
The book was life changing!
Xxxxx
Leona Sterling, Other, CA says
Even though I’ve understood this concept, just reading this caused me a feeling of anxiety at I recalled my triggers.
I’m currently supporting my adult Grandson who has suffered severe Alienation, Abandonment and Sexual Assault.
I’m experiencing nausea as I’m texting.
God Bless you and others who work to bring understanding and healing.
Lisa A. Romano, Coach, NY, USA says
I think helping someone understand that triggers are normal and valid relieves them of the need to blame someone else for why they feel the way they do. The brain makes total sense, but most trauma victims are stuck reacting to the sensations they feel rather than observing the sensations as a natural consequence of some earlier traumatic event. Teaching clients/patients about why they feel the way they do is incredibly helpful. As someone who was once clinically depressed and suffered from panic and anxiety, once I understood my brain had a sensitized stress response system due to being raised in an oppressive home that did not permit for individualization, my self-awareness expanded. With an expansion of consciousness, I was better able to observe sensations and I was no longer purely reacting from fear when I felt a trigger coming on. I hope this helps somebody out there struggling with trying to live with trauma from the past.
narelle ladd, AU says
I am not a clinician, I am a Mum with a 40 year old son who has experienced trauma and grief. I find your article interesting and thought provoking. Thank you.
Julie Weeks, GB says
I find that helping the client to understand that all feelings come from a passing thought in the moment it changes their perception of the experience. All thoughts pass and the sooner we u derstsbd that the sooner a new thought can appear. Clients begin to see that they don’t need to believe a thought is real once they see the connection between that and physiological reaction
Michelle Mulnix, Psychotherapy, Peoria, AZ, USA says
My pediatric trauma client’s were drawn to play therapy. A three story doll house with human characters as well as animals was a magnificent medium to use with this population. Many children told thier stories through the characters using the doll house to act it out. I would ask open ended questions or make a comment when the child said or did something that related to the trauma. It provides great insight into the child’s perspective of how they experienced the trauma, and how it will affect a them. Play is effective to engage the client in a natural and comfortable activity where defences are low.
I had one young child who was in foster care. During our initial session he only played with the animal characters. When l asked why no people in the house. He said because people hurt him, and do bad things to him.
Barb, CA says
I believe I am suffering my whole life from ptsd
Me, Other, GB says
You are not alone. It’s not ok those things happened to you but what a hero you are to have come through.
David, Other, GB says
I don’t know how could I identify which are the experiences, memories, which are traumatic.
Christie, Other, CA says
I work with a person with dementia who relives trauma. I acknowledge that she’s feeling it but of course the dementia affects her reception. I can usually get through to her that she’s safe though affection, pampering, music, gentle palm pressure and alternating tapping on her wrists or knees.
Heidi, Another Field, Sonoma , CA, USA says
I completely agree with the above. I was a victim of a hijacking when I was five years old and held hostage in the Middle East, Amen Jordan. There are many details to my experience but overall it’s more of a sensation in my body mind and spirit. My mother was five in World War II in Germany and was also at the hijacking with me. The combination of both having a mother that went through a tremendous trauma in her primary years and me having going through my drama and also being raised in a Trumatic situation. My mother never really work through her issues and trauma is around the war hands passing much of it on to me. So it’s difficult to decipher where really my PTSD stems from. I do believe at this point in my life at 53 it’s from both. Certain situations send me into a panic whirlwind. Such as large crowds, hostile people. I have never had a healthy partnership relationship. I have continuously chosen men that put me in a hostage situation and my relationships with them are very in line with the hijacking and how I was raised in some senses.
Sue bryant, Another Field, Columbus, IN, USA says
How would you deal with a young man who saw the police kill his dad when he was 12 he is 15 now suffers from PTSD…. No one seems to know where to turn for help thanks!
Michelle, Counseling, Peoria , AZ, USA says
Im so sorry… A Trauma / Grief Specialist who works with kiddos is the way to go. SOONER than later. Prayers coming your way for strength and comfort as you all heal.
Me, Other, GB says
There does seem to be a trend right now for councellors to not hear the voice. I can’t advise as I am not from your country but would juat like to say…..what a hero that young man is to have gone through that and survived it. I would just like to tell that young man to visualise, feel safe loving arms around him, supporting him.
Andrea, Coach, GB says
As a Confidence Coach, I use many different methods to help people understand and process trauma- depending on their age and how they find it easiest to take information on board- using talking, drawings, questions that require different answers to how they are used to telling the story- Hypnotherapy to allow a different view for them of what the situation was and using dissasocation and a 3D way of looking at what happened, objectively – why they responded as they did and what was happening in their body and with their thoughts at the time – to protect themselves in the only way they knew how- with no right or wrong or blame attached- but not condoning bad behaviour, and they mostly will see the situation or person in a different light – of possibly no power over them, or frightened person etc…
Then I ask them to get in touch with how they feel from a different perspective- how real it is and give them many techniques to help reset the feeling in a way that works for them, and to understand that we don’t want to irradiate fear all together
After that we can work on acceptance and forgiveness as they are now and as they were then
All very powerful and I do this gently and with Love
Andrea
Amy, Another Field, Bakersfield , CA, USA says
My son completed suicide 5/16/2010. The last year I’ve focused on changing the language I use. Words matter and it’s took me seven years to figure that out .
My initial response when this happen was to keep myself so busy I couldn’t really process it. I’m tired now, I’ve developed aches and pain in my joint I’ve never had. I truly believe this is destroying my health.
I’ve stepped out of my comfort zone and start a group a year ago for mothers Surviving suicide on FB. This has helped.
I have come a little further than I was for over last half decade, but I have so much further to go.
I just start asking for help a year ago November. Any constructive advise would be gratefully appreciate.
Thank you for the information you provided.
I just want to wake up and feel like living again.
Thank you ❤️
Penny, Nursing, Lansdowne, PA, USA says
I worked at a mental hospital for thirteen years and I understand that we are very good at putting blame where it does not belong. There seems to be hormones in the brain that change when a person is suicidal…. it is not what has been said from what I understand. Be comforted and stop blaming yourself. Yes, words matter and we all need to watch what we say! There is usually much more to the situation than just that.
Mrs Beverley Dennis, Counseling, GB says
This is how I work with people who see others as their problematic situation.
They are asked to first relax, in a stress free atmosphere/room, then encouraged to look at the problem from another angle. Such as, agreeing with their definition of the prob, then ask them to confront the trauma by being self critical; such as, saying how they saw themselves as contributing to the stigma resting in the mind.
As a Christian minister and professionally trained counsellor! I rely on verses which empowers people to take action against negative thought colonization.
Here’s one good excerpt for positive thought process action plan which act as a commandment from God; and works benificially for the survivor who now see self as being in charge and once again vow to assume responsible for betterment: by taking command through obedience to the ‘Word’
1) Recognise your given authority over affairs concerning you as a human being.
1) Gen 1:26; highlights the power of authority given to man as enablers to overcome all things. This includes trauma ie (‘creeping things’)
2) ‘Gird up the reigns of your mind’
3) look at the two dynamics given here as possible pointers for solution.
The first is to encourage individuals who’ve lost confidence and faith in God/people because of degenerative conditions in their lives, armed with renewed knowledge; that they were not born powerless: but have God-given commandment, to exercise control over a
Mass of things which also have a form of power to dominate.
The second thing is to recognise the source of control which harbours the thoughts of blame, malice, anger, can and can’t do! You name it. This is the psyche/mind as we know it.
Our attributes are based on what thoughts we uphold. Forgiveness towards others whom we consider as guilty of offences which caused breakdown; must be the first source of rectification to be sought.
The mind is the culprit for charging the heart with corrupt thoughts, and then bitter plotting will follow suit
I support people to overcome all sorts of dilemmas, by getting them to face the powers they must chose from to overcome. Accepting some part of the blame and learn to forgive to have peace of mind:
Or continue the blame game and live in fear, anger and resentment for the rest of their lives.
Dominate these enemies or be dominated by them. In other words Control them or they Will Certainly control.
The choice is, Satan’s exploit
or
Christ’s delight.
Bless.
Jess, Counseling, GB says
In terms of accepting the blame, how would you deal with a client who was abused as a child? No blame can be accepted there.
Many thanks,
Jess
Onlyme, Social Work, GB says
jess, thank you so much for your response to Mrs Beverley Dennis’ post. I was almost choking as I got further and further through it. I was sexually abused as a child and failed to tell anyone. In my early twenties I discovered that the man (and I use the term man as don’t want to put what I really want to refer to him as) I learned that he went onto abuse 3 of my younger cousins and over 20 pupils who went to the school he was Head Teacher at (and I’m sure that it wasn’t coincidence that the school was for blind and partially sighted children). The guilt I felt at this was indescribable, as I felt that it was my fault all these kids had been abused, had I said something when I was young, he wouldn’t have been able to p what he did. The guilt, the blame, I detested myself and felt as if I was just as bad as him. Anyway, last year, after a year of really working on myself and my mental health I accepted it wasn’t my fault so as a treat to myself treated myself to a holiday, and the biggy about the holiday was that I believed I deserved it. The holiday took me to hell. I’m not sure if I have something about me that screams abuse me but whilst on holiday one afternoon I Began talking to a woman on holiday with her husband and two more male friends. They put a drug in my drink, took me back to their holiday let and raped me one bt one, coming back for more, laughing at me (I was in and out of consciousness). So, this to me was punishment for not feeling guilty anymore about what happened in childhood. I haven’t been able to shake that feeling of blame. (this isn’t where I thought this post was going to go and what I have just realised wasn’t the point I was originally trying to may. Until now I thought I should shoulder the blame forever, no matter what anyone said. But I just found myself wanting to scream at Beverley’s post (sorry Beverley) “I’M NOT TO BLAME”. So thanks for that Beverley however, my question is the same as Jess’. What blame can an abused child take or did you miss the jist of the article?
Thanks
Xx
Karen, Mental Health Counselor and Survivor, Psychotherapy, STUART, FL, USA says
My dear, there is no blame to put on a child who is abused, or an adult who is trapped in an abusive situation. You were not punished for taking a holiday. The work you have done to transcend your past shows your courage. Beverly is misguided. It is not even necessary to forgive. What is necessary is to learn to love yourself unconditionally and to accept that the universe shows no favorites…. and perhaps you may find yourself moving beyond transcendence to transform your experience into wisdom and compassion that will be a life raft for someone who is struggling with an horrific experience.
me, Other, GB says
Exactly Jess, sometimes it is very right I feel to lay blame on somebody else because mostly it is the innocent that are seeking advise on how to cope with an abuser. How on earth can children be told they had to take some responsibility for their actions? Huh! That is like blaming the victim all over again. Support, install skills to cope in other situations, but blame the innocent…..no way!
Janet, Counseling, GB says
JMS Counsellor GB
It is those who abused you who are only to blame. You wrongly believed that you deserved what happened. You were made to feel low self worth. Be kind to, love yourself and remember NONE of it was your fault.
Onlymeiiiii, Social Work, GB says
jess, thank you so much for your response to Mrs Beverley Dennis’ post. I was almost choking as I got further and further through it. I was sexually abused as a child and failed to tell anyone. In my early twenties I discovered that the man (and I use the term man as don’t want to put what I really want to refer to him as) I learned that he went onto abuse 3 of my younger cousins and over 20 pupils who went to the school he was Head Teacher at (and I’m sure that it wasn’t coincidence that the school was for blind and partially sighted children). The guilt I felt at this was indescribable, as I felt that it was my fault all these kids had been abused, had I said something when I was young, he wouldn’t have been able to p what he did. The guilt, the blame, I detested myself and felt as if I was just as bad as him. Anyway, last year, after a year of really working on myself and my mental health I accepted it wasn’t my fault so as a treat to myself treated myself to a holiday, and the biggy about the holiday was that I believed I deserved it. The holiday took me to hell. I’m not sure if I have something about me that screams abuse me but whilst on holiday one afternoon I Began talking to a woman on holiday with her husband and two more male friends. They put a drug in my drink, took me back to their holiday let and raped me one bt one, coming back for more, laughing at me (I was in and out of consciousness). So, this to me was punishment for not feeling guilty anymore about what happened in childhood. I haven’t been able to shake that feeling of blame. (this isn’t where I thought this post was going to go and what I have just realised wasn’t the point I was originally trying to may. Until now I thought I should shoulder the blame forever, no matter what anyone said. But I just found myself wanting to scream at Beverley’s post (sorry Beverley) “I’M NOT TO BLAME”. So thanks for that Beverley however, my question is the same as Jess’. What blame can an abused child take or did you miss the jist of the article?
Thanks
Xx
Karen Hughes, Another Field, Charleston , USA says
Mrs Beverley Dennis,
How can you tell people to accept some of the blame? I was born with an alcoholic father who always thought my mom was cheating, if she went to the same grocery store, & he would beat the blood out of her! His logic was that he believed she was sleeping with a bag boy. Every night he would beat her, beat us, go to jail, & his mom would bail him out every time. How was that a 2, 3, or 4 year olds fault?
My mom finally filed for a divorce which enraged him to the point that he tried to run my mom & us kids off the road by slamming his vehicle into us causing her to flip off of the interstate while he had his slutty new girlfriend in in the car.
He went on to marry the 9th grade dropout who was 20 years younger than he because he knocked her up. But she ended up wearing the pants & his balls basically shriveled up, allowing this woman to treat his kids like slaves!
This woman treated me like I was her very own Cinderella starting at 4, I had to stand in a chair at the sink & wash all the dinner dishes. After that I had to mop the kitchen every night before bed. If I complained she would scream & that caused my drunken father to come smack me around (he usually hit us in the head), guess that was my fault for trying to stand up for myself huh! I had to do everything in the house from the laundry, all the vacuuming to dusting. Taking care of the 4 children she had with my father & basically raising them from bathing, feeding, changing their diapers, staying up with them all night rocking & walking them in order to get them to sleep; I never had a childhood, but I guess I should accept blame for that also? If I complained to my father I’d be beaten…guess I wanted that!
My mom lost custody when I was 4, because my dad broke in her house staging an unfit mother scene & calling dss on her, I considered my mom’s house as a refuge on the weekends from my step witch mom & my physically, as well as my verbally abusive father. That was until a boyfriend of her’s molested me at 8 years old. I couldn’t tell anyone or else I would never be allowed to go back to my mom’s. But I guess that was also my fault!
My father had 4 kids with the step witch & basically adored all 4 half siblings (3 & 1 girl) while saying that they had a great mom & since she didn’t work her children would be smarter than me & my 2 older brother’s, basically saying we would never be successful at anything! But I’m to blame, from what you say.
Then my mom was killed in a car accident when I was 14 years old, now I had nowhere to escape on the weekends & life got even worse. I forged my birth certificate at 14 just to get a job so I could get out of the abusive home at night.
My brother’s & I got $35,000 a piece in the settlement from the guy who t-boned my mom in a dump truck & drug her 200 feet leaving her DOA. The day it happened 1 of my 1/2 brother’s said to my older brother this:
“Tommy, Tommy doesn’t have a Mommy!” My stepmother didn’t say a word, guess my brother was to blame huh?
My brother’s & I started to get SSI checks ($400) a month & the step started stealing every bit of of our checks every month to buy her kids designer clothes, which she had stated before my mom’s death that she would never do. She was jealous of my mom always taking us shopping for school clothes (since they weren’t going to get us clothes
someone had to); & my mom allowed us to get Levi’s, polo’s, Nikes,etc. It killed her when we would come home with these things. But soon as the checks started coming, guess who was wearing Levi’s, polo’s, Nike’s, etc? Her kids! Not only that, but she said it was my rent & that I also had to start providing my own toilet paper, food, etc. She even had the nerve to tell my brother’s & I that we had to buy new furniture for her den or we would not be allowed to sit in the den! Therefore, I stayed in my room with the door locked when I wasn’t working fulltime or in 11th grade school. Then I came home 1 day & she had moved all of my stuff in a walk in closet, stating when I got home that my water bed had busted so she threw it away, gave my room to her oldest son, & I could sleep on the couch until I graduated! The next day I tried to get in a border school, but they wouldn’t allow me to use my $ in trust for that! So I said fine, let me go to rehab then, even tho I had no drug problems! They said fine, but they were not allowing me to go to one where their insurance would be used, so I had to go to a state run rehab with crack heads, drug addicts, insane people, etc. Not only that, but since they only had 1 bed available, I had to say that I was suicidal in order to get the bed! Again I sucked it up & said fine, if that’s what it’s going to take, I’ll say that. An hour later the police showed up, handcuffed me, & took me to state run Morris Village in Columbia, SC. I spent the best 6 month’s of my life at this place & loved meeting all of the new people of all cultures, not caring that they were addicts, to me they were honest people who were trying to get help.
At 17 years old I bought a Pontiac Sunbird, got a job, & my 1st apartment! I didn’t talk to them for years & refused to let anyone know where I lived. Finally I got lonely & wanted a family, so I contacted them. What a fool I was, all they wanted was my $$. They asked me to pay off $5,000 in credit cards in order to help them get a new home. I said ok, but as soon as ya’ll get approved I want a check in $5,000 using their Discover Card Checks to pay me back, which they did. When I went to the new house I was told that I was not welcome there by the step witch, guess helping them gave them the right & I should accept blame for them being pieces of shit!
I finally came to the conclusion that success was the best revenge, so I went to college & got a degree in computer programming, that was awesome watching their faces when I handed out invitations for my graduation! They all came, but not 1 congratulations from father, step, or half brother’s or sister…much less any type of gift! Yet all of her kids paid for nothing to go to college, were all given cars, didn’t have to work through high school or college, & were never disciplined or made to do 1 single chore!! They all got married to people who work & bring home the $ while they mooch off of their spouse…yeah they really turned out better than us huh? Except for the 1 that’s a druggie & was given MY GRANMOTHER’S HOUSE AFTER SHE DIED (the house she wanted me to have) even tho I’m the only one that ever took care of her & actually loved her!
After 911 I joined the Air Force as a C17 Loadmaster at the age of 31 & I killed it in basic training! I beat every chic in running, sit-ups, push ups, etc. I was flying into combat zones constantly taking troops & their helicopters, Humvees, & all their equipment; I got to take the president’s limos, secret service agents & their bomb sniffing dogs 3 to 4 days ahead of places where the president was scheduled to speak; I carried back our dead & injured soldiers from the battlefield; I went to Gitmo (in Cuba) to pickup detainees & return them home; I loaded the 1st only tank in my squadron & was also the only female in my squadron!
Then I was sexually assaulted by a Colonel in the Air Force, but I’m sure you are already thinking it must have been my fault!
Again, a year & half later I was slipped something in my drink at a bar. This guy offered to buy me a drink, I accepted, went to the bathroom while he ordered, & upon returning he kept trying to get me to go home with him. I
graciously turned him down, he said give it 15 minutes & you’ll change your mind, I didn’t think anything about it at first & told him no I wouldn’t because I was leaving in 5 minutes, which I did. A mile from my house I literally blacked out & hit a tree in my Toyota Tundra truck. I ended up with every bone across the top of my right foot broken, having 2 surgeries, suffering from 4 blood clots, & an infection leading to a stay in the hospital for a week. Not to mention a herniated c5 disc in my neck which to this day I suffer from, fibromyalgia, nightmares, & trust for no one! But again, you say it’s all MY FAULT!
YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO GIVE ANYONE ADVICE! AS A MATTER OF FACT, I BELIEVE YOU NEED HELP! I HOPE THAT NOBODY BELIEVES WHAT YOU SAY!
I don’t know where you got your counseling degree, but it’s not worth the paper it’s on!
You can take all of your BIBLE BABBLE AND SHOVE IT WHERE WHERE THE SUN DOESN’T SHINE! SATAN WILL BE SEEING YOU SOON!
SSGT KAREN CARTER HUGHES OF CHARLESTON SC
Fay, Counseling, AU says
This is what I have seen as an equine assisted therapist
Mrs Beverley Dennis, Counseling, GB says
This is how I work with people who see others as their problematic situation.
They are asked to first relax, in a stress free atmosphere/room, then encouraged to look at the problem from another angle. Such as, agreeing with their definition of the prob, then ask them to confront the trauma by being self critical; such as, saying how they saw themselves as contributing to the stigma resting in the mind.
As a Christian minister and professionally trained counsellor! I rely on verses which empowers people to take action against negative thought colonization.
Here’s one good excerpt for positive thought process action plan which act as a commandment from God; and works benificially for the survivor who now see self as being in charge and once again vow to assume responsible for betterment: by taking command through obedience to the ‘Word’
1) Recognise your given authority over affairs concerning you as a human being.
1) Gen 1:26; highlights the power of authority given to man as enablers to overcome all things. This includes trauma ie (‘creeping things’)
2) ‘Gird up the reigns of your mind’
3) look at the two dynamics given here as possible pointers for solution.
The first is to encourage individuals who’ve lost confidence and faith in God/people because of degenerative conditions in their lives, armed with renewed knowledge; that they were not born powerless: but have God-given commandment, to exercise control over a
Mass of things which also have a form of power to dominate.
The second thing is to recognise the source of control which harbours the thoughts of blame, malice, anger, can and can’t do! You name it. This is the psyche/mind as we know it.
Our attributes are based on what thoughts we uphold. Forgiveness towards others whom we consider as guilty of offences which caused breakdown; must be the first source of rectification to be sought.
The mind is the culprit for charging the heart with corrupt thoughts, and then bitter plotting will follow suit
I support people to overcome all sorts of dilemmas, by getting them to face the powers they must chose from to overcome. Accepting some part of the blame and learn to forgive to have peace of mind:
Or continue the blame game and live in fear, anger and resentment for the rest of their lives.
Dominate these enemies or be dominated by them. In other words Control them or they Will Certainly control.
The choice is, Satan’s exploit
or
Christ’s delight.
Bless.