Working With Your Client’s Traumatic Memories
with Bessel van der Kolk, MD
and Ruth Buczynski, PhD
Sometimes we remember what seem like the smallest, most insignificant details of our lives – an 8th grade locker combination, a story heard at a party years ago, or all the lines from a favorite movie.
These memories – full of facts, words, and events – are explicit memories.
But there are different kinds of memories – ones that are evoked by sights, sounds, or even smells.
For example, the smell of coffee percolating atop a gas stove could bring back Sunday afternoons around the table with beloved grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins.
On the other hand, being surprised by the scent of a particular aftershave, for instance, could elicit feelings of fear, panic, or even terror.
A person who was traumatized as a child might re-experience the all-too-familiar sensations of quivering in fear or breaking out in a cold sweat.
And it may have very little to do with the verbal thought process of, “Oh, this reminds me of the incident of my father hitting me.”
Traumatic memory is formed and stored very differently than everyday memory.
So let’s take a closer look at what happens when a person experiences trauma.
What Happens When the Brain Can’t Process Trauma
Dr. Van der Kolk: If a person was abused as a child, the brain can become wired to believe, “I’m a person to whom terrible things happen, and I better be on the alert for who’s going to hurt me now.”
Those are conscious thoughts that become stored in a very elementary part of the brain.
But what happens to adults when they become traumatized by something terrible they’ve experienced?
Simply put, the brain becomes overwhelmed. That’s because the thalamus shuts down and the entire picture of what happened can’t be stored in their brain.
So instead of forming specific memories of the full event, people who have been traumatized remember images, sights, sounds, and physical sensations without much context.
And certain sensations just become triggers of the past.
You see, the brain continually forms maps of the world – maps of what is safe and what is dangerous.
That’s how the brain becomes wired. People carry an internal map of who they are in relationship to the world. That becomes their memory system, but it’s not a known memory system like that of verbal memories.
It’s an implicit memory system.
What that means is that a particular traumatic incident may not be remembered as a story of something that’s happened a long time ago. Instead, it gets triggered by sensations that people are experiencing in the present that can activate their emotional states.
It’s a much more elementary, organic level of a single sensation triggering the state of fear.
A person might keep thinking about the sensation and say, “Oh, this must be because it reminds me of the time that my father hit me.”
But that’s not the connection that the mind makes at that particular time.
How the Lack of Context Impacts Treatment
So what difference will it make in our work, knowing that a traumatic memory was encoded without context?
It’s important to recognize that PTSD, or the experience of trauma is not about the past. It’s about a body that continues to behave and organize itself as if the experience is happening right now.
When we’re working with people who have been traumatized, it’s crucial to help them learn how to field the present as it is and to tolerate whatever goes on. The past is only relevant in as far as it stirs up current sensations, feelings, emotions and thoughts.
The story about the past is just a story that people tell to explain how bad the trauma was, or why they have certain behaviors.
But the real issue is that trauma changes people. They feel different and experience certain sensations differently.
That’s why the main focus of therapy needs to be helping people shift their internal experience or, in other words, how the trauma is lodged inside them.
How Talking Can Distract a Client from Feeling
Now, in helping people learn to stay with their sensations, we need to resist the temptation to ask them to talk about their experience and what they’re aware of.
This is because talking can convey a defense against feeling.
Through the use of brain imagery, we’ve learned that when people are feeling something very deeply, one particular area of the brain lights up.
And we’ve seen other images taken when people are beginning to talk about their trauma and, when they do, another part of the brain lights up.
So talking can be a distraction from helping patients notice what is going on within themselves.
And that’s why some of the best therapy is very largely non-verbal, where the main task of the therapist is to help people to feel what they feel - to notice what they notice, to see how things flow within themselves, and to reestablish their sense of time inside.
Why Restoring the Sense of Time Can Make Emotions More Bearable
All too often, when people feel traumatized, their bodies can feel like they’re under threat even if it’s a beautiful day and they’re in no particular danger.
So our task becomes helping people to feel those feelings of threat, and to just notice how the feelings go away as time goes on.
The body never stays the same because the body is always in a state of flux.
It’s important to help a patient learn that, when a sensation comes up, it’s okay to have it because something else will come next.
This is one way we can help patients re-establish this sense of time which gets destroyed by the trauma.
Sensations and emotions become intolerable for clients because they think, “This will never come to an end.”
But once a patient knows that something will come to an end, their whole attitude changes.
Now we'd like to hear from you. How will you use these ideas on traumatic memory in your work with your patients?
Please leave a comment below.
Anne Maree Robson, Another Field, AU says
I don’t have clients (am just an interested reader and the article re traumatic memories was interesting indeed).
Chris Cusworth, Another Field, Burney, CA, USA says
I ask them what us their role in the communication and could they change a role to redirect the interactions
T Wil, Health Education, Jax bch, FL, USA says
I ask them how is that helping them; as the person they are blaming is not thinking about them and still moving on with their life.
I give them the task of looking in the mirror and find something on their physical self that they love and speak on it.
Courtenay Yates, Other, Daphne , AL, USA says
5 love languages. understanding not everyone understands and to be compassionate even though they may not be toward me since I’m hurt.(years of traumatic experiences each year, before I can grieve/overcome something else happens. Over 15 deaths of loved ones. Witness of animal deaths. 1st child’s father left for another woman, one month after our son was born, two months after loosing home in hurricane Katrina. Had to relocate to deliver. Then 5 years of physical abuse of 10year of marriage, separated for 6years all including emotional, verbal, and, gaslighting abuse bc I thought I needed to be faithful, came to realize was a lie. He manipulates my second son trying to get him to second the codependent relationship he has w his mother. My father was shot and killed. With in a month had to file for divorce.)…Yoga and breathing. Animals/conforting touch and connection. Time outdoors away from busyness and sound pollution. Natural sunlight and grounding. Distanceing myself from ones I know are abusers( still feed w a long handled spoon/love them) and spending more time w those who truely care about me and appreciate my love and help for them. Agupe and Faith in Jesus, my strength is in Him. Reading our Daily Bread, daily w faith.
Del Web, Another Field, AU says
Hi Courtney, you’ve had a lot of things happen to you and your family! I’m so glad you have Jesus and daily bread or you’d be in a much worse situation. Have a look at “Experiencing the court room of heaven” teaching . It may help you, blessings
Lorraine Scott, Another Field, Fort Wayne, IN, USA says
Hello Courtenay, you have certainly been through many truly traumatic events. You are an amazingly strong woman and a true Testimony to the Power Love of and for Jesus Christ!
You are not only doing the 1ST and foremost of Loving Jesus and devoting your heart to Him, you are doing all the right things physically you mentioned above. The direct sunlight, getting outside but away from noise pollution, your connection with God’s gift of pets and the comfort we get of being able to hold, stroke, pet & snuggle with our fur babies, yoga, easy & slow stretching along with deep breathing and meditation/awareness….all is so right.
I have had PTSD for way tcoo many years and just when I think it’s conquered or at least in check life is in another change and brings on different related challenges.
Now in mid-life, at 58, close family, both parents, one sibling, 2 uncles raised in our , as brothers, all died within last 7 years. Too much grief to even process not to mention all the PTSD stimuli & what some refer to as ‘triggers’
To me it’s all a stimulus of some sort, a view, scent, word/phrase, song, sound etc.
This article was very interesting however. Lol, it makes me want to Tattoo some ‘Code’ on my hand to see when a stimuli hits. To see and remind me to go with the emotion, fear etc, whatever and go through that fully rather than to shut that out and go back to the trauma and try to analyze where and why the stimulus came from and why I reacted so abruptly like I did.
I am so very happy & Positive about this information.
I do not have any Tattoos, I do not care if others do, they are just not for me. However, I do have a new pack of 12 colors of sharpies and I will probably mark a “temporary Too” on the back of my hand each day for 2 weeks at least to keep me I in mind of this, 30 days or longer if I have to.
I would challenge anyone else who is of mind to see if the response cited in this article would be helpful to you to do the same! Colors of sharpies aren’t difficult to wash off on a daily basis at any time! You are in control of your attitude, your response, your chosen therapy, on and on…
Susan Wells, Other, CA says
Is this comparable to intrusive memories/thoughts?
Mimi Lou, Other, GB says
Changing terminology i.e. what would you like to eat, to what appeals to you with the guy who wants to eat but physically can’t eat.
I’m not a professional, I just live with someone who you describe in your article and how it affects me as the carer.
Judith Wells, Occupational Therapy, CA says
I like your references to time.
I have learned to practice being in Present time bu being aware of the receiving of each new breath and, its flow through my body and to release pain and anxiety through the exhale of each breath.
Respectfully J Wells,, post electrical Surge aka stroke.
Melanie Pannack, Counseling, AU says
I used dialectical behaviour therapy and teach clients how to meditate and what mindfulness is. I teach and reassure them not to fear their emotions. But to sit with them and simply let them pass.
I help them by using imagery, music and art to relax, to express their feelings without words.
I educate them and advise them on the importance of exercise, sleep hygiene and healthy eating.
I approach PTSD from a multidisciplinary angle by suggesting a life coach, trainer, meditation classes and a dietician.
I also do psycho-social education and teach my clients how some deal with their trauma in ways other than simply reliving the trauma overtly. They adopt thinking errors.
I also have an exercise called a healing circle as an exercise in group therapy where each client is asked to say something positive about themselves and those that they feel have wronged them. I asked them to explain why they chose their “complementary” statement. This exercise is both to help the client desensitize and at the same time engender some accountability or realise that as a result of their trauma, they are demonizing others unnecessarily and adding to their own trauma.
I also have an exercise where in group therapy, I ask clients to share a time when they had an Aha moment and realised that they needed to change their behaviour and act accountable. This obviously is an exercise in self awareness, plus all the clients are sharing stories that will help trigger positive realisation in each other. I do this by asking if anyone, as the end of the group therapy session, would like to share how they learnt from what one of their peers in the group therapy session, had shared. I then ask the group to applaud and affirm the person who was brave enough to share information with the group.
I hope this is enough.
M
Avis Ma, Nursing, CA says
Hello Melanie pannack your advice is very helpful as I started DBT and had to quit due to major mental breakdown suicidal attempt that was almost fatal I am still trying to deal with my trauma and do see a psychiatrist but I don’t think I am getting to the root of the problem ( how to cope with bad memories) and I have a very low sense of self but I do hahve aha moments where I dabble in mindfulness and yoga and meditation as ways to cope and help myself any suggestions please email me at iavis@hotmail.com thanks
Celine O, Another Field, CA says
Self hypnosis and mindfulness
But sometimes it is not enough
An external ongoing source of love, because I guess my brain is looping and stuck in in the trauma and is looking for help.
Charlotte Holtry, Teacher, Summerville , SC, USA says
I lost my son and husband 4 months apart and upon my Don’s death the nurse pushed me out of the room and I never had a chance to say goodbye. Then I had to go straight to my husband’s cancer ridden body and take care of him. It has been 20 years but I still have nightmares about being pushed out of that room. Is this a type of PTSD?
Mandy Gregoire, Other, CA says
Yes I have it to
Mary Morrison, Other, IE says
Sometimes I have “ thought” which is not really a thought at all because it is empty. I immediately feel panicked. The more I try to remember, or pull out this uncomfortable empty memory the worse it gets. I’m trying just to let it be, but still it comes unbidden. Mary
Janey Reid, Another Field, GB says
Very interesting. Makes a lot of sense.
bruce bruce, Counseling, AU says
Ultimately, i lead them gently toward an understanding, a real feeling that by prolonged holding on to the blaming, is hurting oneself, not affecting the other person by oneself holding on.
Karen Buckley, Other, UM says
Not much…but to listen and be there for them.what is Neuro stress release about in simple terms
Wilma Pearson, Teacher, AU says
Some ten years ago I discovered Neuro Stress Release, discovering that the body keeps the score (I have just read your book of that title and love it!) in its cell memory and how to release the cell memory. I very much experienced single sensations triggering the state of fear and have learned to pay attention to and be mindful of those triggers. I make note of them and have created a much simpler process of discovering the specific fears, beliefs, feelings and needs around the trigger after which I do a verbal releasing process which releases the above from the cell memory. My experience is that from then on those same or similar triggers no longer trigger me. Would love to discuss this with you.
Kylee Lawson, Naturopathic Physician, AU says
I have my own neuro muscular therapy I am designing . It’s a hands on therapy that deals with the stress state of the musculoskeletal system with very little verbal interaction . It downregulates stress in the body and allows normal parasympathetic behaviour . I am getting great results talking directly to the body and manipulating release of trauma from tissue. I have many clients that release trauma through tears, heat or shaking. This allows normal blood flow and healing to occur , from my experience. I have a great interest in neuro muscular behaviour and the human mind that tends to cause body trauma….”disease”
Jill Rogers, Health Education, CA says
If I were a therapist, I would try to ask questions surrounding how optimistic or pessimistic one feels. Perhaps I would get the client to rate an experience as positive or negative on a scale of 0 to 10; 0 being most negative and 10 being most positive. I would also get them to describe in one word a description of each number.
10 utopic
9 great
8 very good
7 good
6 pleasant
5 neutral
4 irritating
3 frustrating
2 scary
1 death
0 nothing
For example; I used to have severe panic attacks. When I think back to the experience, (pre-medication) in the moment I would rate myself a 2 because I felt quite scared while having them. In fact, in panic attacks I felt quite close to death. Now that my conscious mind remembers that a decade has passed, I would rate them a 3. I mean, now they’re just frustrating experiences.
John Carter, Coach, Pittsburgh, PA, USA says
I have had a lot of trauma in my childhood and being in therapy they are beginning to come out in strange ways. I have had PTSD and some of the episodes show up in my memories and connected with what I think today and how it is me that is the person that caused these things.
Lorraine Scott, Another Field, Fort Wayne, IN, USA says
Hi John, I am Not a therapist or counselor of any sort. I am a woman with PTSD from abuse of different types,since very early childhood through teens until age 18.
I am Also a Working Advocate against Childhood Abuse of Any type, speaking particularly About Childhood Sexual Abuse and it’s early warning signs on through to it’s latter life effects.
I publicly in forums with other women and men that were victimized as children. We speak, primarily, to educators, guidance counselors, school principals & assistant principal, school nurses/medics, First Responders of all walks.
At forums we openly answer any and all questions about our experiences during the periods of abuse from early years through our teens as well as questions about the stages of our life since. We answer to what we experienced during therapy, depressions, manics, hospitalizations on it goes.
You name it, our different, all volunteer panels have been asked the questions.
John, I said all that to say that makes, men, teens, boys, no matter the age, all refect, react, respond quite differently than females, women, teens, girls of the same, comparable age.
Please do not compare your reflections on your memories to anyone else’s, male and certainly not female’s.
Nor would you ever singly blame yourself for sexual abuse that happened to you at any age anymore than a female automatically should/would.
With 95%+++ men I have spoken with / and -or volunteered on multiple forum panels with regarding their childhood sexual abuse, one of their intial responses was that of ‘1st Rite of Passage Into Manhood’ or ‘Conquest’ some referred to.
They later admitted to their therapists that they claimed this their Initial Response because it was Easier for them to Say than it was to ‘Admit’ they had been Sexually Molested by a Woman or a Man, a Female or a Male, no matter what the perpetrator’s a
Age, Teen or Adult.
John, Again, I am not a therapist of any kind. Please bring this very issue to the Attention of your Dr, Therapist, Counselor, whoever’s you see.
If they will not address this issue seriously, (the difference between Male vs female responses & reflections) please talk to your Primary Care Dr or someone else you trust about another therapy provider.
Best wishes & Best Regards.
Veranna Robinson, Student, Chattanooga, TN, USA says
I try not to blame others but sometimes i do. Thank you Bessel for your work. You give me hope.
Sharon Lewkoski, Other, CA says
I am not quite sure I received the message right from your blog.
How do I deal with the guilt I feel for everything that has happened tramatic in my life. There have been quite a few so I am having a hard time dealing with issues in my past that have cause heart ache in my life?
I don’t go to counselling because all they want to do is dig into the past and I have told them all its my Present time that keeps me in turmoil and have a hard time looking to the Future. Also I get bad anxiety attacks and feel worse after seeing a cousellor.
Help…I wanna feel normal… if there is a normal..lol
Wilma Pearson, Teacher, AU says
Hi Sharon,
I have very successfully adapted a process called Neuro Stress Release which releases cell memory from the body. Am happy to to give you some pointers on the way to heal yourself. I call it energy psychology.
Feel free to email me: wilmapearson@aapt.net.au
Samantha Roberts, Other, AU says
I ask them to tell me in detail how it felt to find someone to take that blame, then i immediately ask them again how the blame worthy person was actually responsible for the blame.. i then allow them some time to mull over what they’ve felt and who they’ve blamed and i ask again how they felt once they realise through the perceptions of an outsider that how they were thinking was either correct or in need of corrections.. this has proven on occasions that they were correct and only a few occasions that they had over reacted to a traumatic situation that they eventually put to rest by themselves..
Teri Gibson, Another Field, Richland , WA, USA says
THANK You for this article! GRATEFUL!
Marlyn Morg, Nutrition, GB says
Total unjudgmental presence
Charlene Edwards, Clergy, Godfrey, IL, USA says
Apply spiritual wisdom.
Mark Bonello, Social Work, Lansing, MI, USA says
I find your work very well understood and written. I am speaking both as a therapist working with PTSD persons and a person once diagnosed with ” raging PTSD. The personal experience I feel and hope has allowed me to work better with those I serve. The triggers as u describe make one feel as if s trauma that occurred in the past had just happened in the hear and now and the anxiety it creates can be intense. I find that being aware of the feelings create a sort of observing person..an observing awareness that is not so much identified with the traumatized self..it creates space. The talking and support one receives as well as some cognitive understanding for me, helps too. It all has it’s place. Also trauma for me builds..a bit here and there and creates a sort of entity in it self that tends to take over ones being..seeking to be fed or seeking release. Bit by bit it builds and bit by bit needs dismantling. I still struggle personsally but not so much. Anyway just some thoughts. Thanks much for your insightful words. I’m sharing them. Peace
Donna Osmond, Counseling, GB says
I am a dramatherapist having a break from therapeutic work due to a number of unpredictable traumatic life events. During my time off I have become curious about emotional memory, neuroscience, and patterns of behavior within my own psychology. The impact of trauma which has been due to unexpected deaths, loss, change, and endings: have left me feeling exposed. It has triggered anxiety, fear, anger, nerves, and low confidence. There have been moments of self- destructive behavior in order to self soothe, and other moments of enlightenment. I had to learn about self- acceptance and limited beliefs that have impacted on my resilience. One of my biggest light-bulb moments has been starting with ” I”, in particular when needing to express how I feel! Using the word “I”, helps me to stay in the here and now! I use lots of dramatherapy projection methods of drawing, letter writing to myself, journaling, meditating, exercising and Listening to my body. Limited patterns of behavior are hard to shift especially after nearly 48 years but “I” want to heal and ” I ” am worthy. Using a metaphor is a safe and gentle method . Sometimes we have to go under the surface to discover what is holding us back or blocking our recovery. These patterns of behavior are not always conscious and take courage to bring to the surface and gentle nurture once there. Staying out of my head and getting into my body is where most of my wounds are. I often trick myself or distract myself with other chaos and drama to plaster over the wounds, however, what I need is light, air, exposure and time in order to heal.
P. A. Terry Terry, Other, Philadelphia, PA, USA says
I’m the person with the trauma. I was run over by a woman January 14th of this year. I’m now a prisoner in my own home.
I don’t how to cope with this!
Mark Gaynor, Social Work, New Haven, CT, USA says
Very well done. You certainly have moved my thinking along thank you
Michelle Lefurgey, Counseling, Boise , ID, USA says
2004- Two months after watching my Dad die, I lost my counseling business, after being dx with TBI and Post Traumatic Amnesia, after being pulled from defective burning car, 30 seconds before it exploded. I only recall events prior to mva, and recalled nothing from accident. I can tell story based on versions on TV news, in newspapers, and what firefighter rescuer, Drs and family told me.
2013-2014- Botched hernia surgery, left me with esophageal perforation. Had to have lifesaving thoracotomy. Total 5 months, tube fed and hydrated in hospital, long and short term care facilities. Could not control pain. Mixed my meds inducing auditory, visual and sensory hallucinations. I was in hell. Traumatized.
2019- Now dealing with depression not controlled by any med, just got on CPAP for sleep apnea, and have major vertigo and balance problems. I’m overwhelmed.
Can you help? And for how much? You probably don’t accept Medicare advantage plan.
Mani Suriya, Counseling, AU says
Hi Michelle, I can talk with you, I am studying counselling, let me know if you are interested, thanks.
Andrea Travis, Teacher, Lufkin, TX, USA says
This is very helpful to me. My husband had a stroke back in October and it affected his memory some. It is getting better but he still has difficulties with some of his memory. Thank you so much for this article. I wish it had been available when he first had the stroke.
Marieange Laine, Health Education, CA says
This information is usefull specially about the importance of makinng a distinction between tte sensation réactivantes in the body opposite to telling the store and thé émotion relates tonitruantes.
It is important to Know that but how hard it is to live with that trouble.
I am over 70 ans , and for most of my Life Time i tried to understand what was going iwrong with me. I had sévère judgment on me as i could’nt get rid of a
Bad need to feel a secure présence
Beside me or being always on alertmode.Feeling free and freedom insiste dosn’t Exist. Life is a strigile.
Your teaching put à New light
I understand that We cannot build à garden in the désert.
Lesson about PTSD and Brain acting-out mode open a new eau to understand-
Sadly this is mot well Known and that Michel Time lost in spéculations .
Your teaching is clear .recognizing how we can confirm what you en plain is a new jeu. Heading to récover a good sane Health is …..
There is still so Much resistance and misunderstanding all around.
Your teaching bring Hope
There is much to be done to first help victims understanding what they expériment, and Also bring thème a
Reel support
First stop identifying them
As victims Witch polarise the identité
Victim-predator
Replace the reductive expression Victime. By
persons victims of PTSD due to exterior évent . It will be a first Step in direction of dignity.
Clearly broadcasting the nature and functioning of PTSD symptôm
Will also indicate the way to recover dignity and help people to take thé good way to Heel théorie wounds
Be fore it becomes too late.
The end
Lorraine Scott, Another Field, Fort Wayne, IN, USA says
Ms. Laine, I whole- heartedly agree with your statements regarding not referring to persons with PTSD as ‘victims’ and rather referring to the trauma as an ‘exterior event’s not related to the person with PTSD. That, I know, is immediately helpful to myself. I was sexually abused by my Father from very early childhood until was 18. It would have been more than Extremely helpful to have had it named an ‘exterior event’ 30 years ago, when my therapy began and lasted 12 excruciating years.
Thank you so much for your Reply to this Amazing, helpful Article I intend to use in response to my own PTSD Stimuli immediately until it is My Auto-Response to All my PTSD Stimuli!
Flavius Munteanu, Nursing, GB says
Controlled exposure therapy. Similar to the process you are describing. Using specific images or situations to bring to the surface, the feelings they felt during the traumatic experience, so that they can process them in a safe enviorenment.
Lorraine Scott, Another Field, Fort Wayne, IN, USA says
I went through ‘controlled exposure therapy’s long ago. I know this is not a forum for argument. I rather would like feedback.
The therapy I recieved by that name here in the States as well as what you have described, sound hardly nothing like what the Dr has laid out in this article.
His article gives me much hope. The therapy you named that I received here, as you described, give me no hope at all.
I have totally mis- interpreted this article.
Deandra Deluna, Other, Matawan, NJ, USA says
This is about myself, blaming others for their not handling these problems it was because after keeping a traumatic event a secret for 25 years. When it was disclosed 25 years later. By then my father was older and sick n couldn’t fight on my behalf or protect me. When you awaken to what you withheld. Resentment judgement and anger will not do good so many years later. When I was younger I believed it to be my fault.I was very afraid to speak up as a young girl. As a woman with children I was no longer afraid to tell the truth. However everyone was in a state of shock never doing anything about what was done to me. I was terrified. In reality no full event took place. Just the inappropriate drunken mannerisms of a brother in law scaring a 13 year old me into being in a threatened state of fear for 25 years. Then nothing was done. My brother in law was drunk..I was 13…was innocent..was sleeping over in the spare room. My sister as asleep in the living room. My brother in law was drinking…came into My bedroom..climbed on top of me in his briefs n tried to kiss me. I had never kissed a boy. I was grossed out…terrified n threatened to scream. He said don’t you will wake your sister. I said that is what I am trying to do. He left the room. I never slept that night. Was afraid of him for 25 years told no one. Once I got was married n had two small children. My brother in law started calling me. Asking to come over. I immediately called my father…My father was angry but very ill. My mother had early onset Altzheimers…My sister was in shock n denial. So I was left with a story no one cared about. I had completed 5 years of psychiatry and therapy after telling my story. That did help me a great deal. The story is hard because he was in the family before I was born. So more like a brother than a brother in law. Now more years have past. I will never forget….because I blamedmyself for looking older than 13 at 13.It affected me in so many ways for years. ..But other than just never bringing it up. Nothing can be done. It was an intention to engage me in an improper act of some kind.I was too innocent n I just threatened to scream so he stopped. I then told everyone what he did my friends…his sons…my son’s were adults so I told them… My father banned him from his home. So I let time erase it.
Mani Suriya, Counseling, AU says
Hi Deandra, I can talk with you, I am studying counselling, let me know if you are interested, thanks.
Crystal P, Another Field, Adak, AK, USA says
Changing Therapists can be so awful. Every time there is a change in a therapist it’s like u have to tell ur story all over again and fight all those fears and and be torn up inside and owt. Come hell or high water I stuck with mine who was in private practice so I didn’t have to deal with the beurocratic bullshit of some local or state community mental health place just up and switching therapists on me or a counselor just starting out working thier way up the food chain and me just being on thier client list. So I guess, my suggestion is find a therapist in private practice. And by find, I mean You interview them. Not the other way around. See, here’s the thing. In order for therapy to work for you, meaning for the therapeutic process to assist you in gaining skills and or working through that which you aim to work through. There needs to be some semblance of a therapeutic relationship. It’s a two way street. If you go into it having made the choice it’s going to assist in the relationship. Find someone you believe you can work with. However do not have the the misguidings that a therapist will be there to agree with you, or tell u what to do.
This is just my opinion. I’m not a therapist. I’m a client who has had the same therapist for over 18 years. In my ecperience, for me, there is no quick and easy way over PTSD, Complex PTSD, Dissociation, Anxiety, Depression. It’s a long slow, terrifying, confusing,ugly process that medication and even verbally expressing what started this process for us, for me is. But also using other forms of expression which include art, music, movement, writing play. I do some of these alone, with my pet and in therapy. But learned so so much and grown so so much too. This is by no means a Kumbiya story. I struggle daily. But I do want you to know I feel the struggles are manageable when u have a safe place to take them and or put them. For me, it’s been my therapist and her office.
Thank you for sharing a piece your journey and for reading a piece of mine.
Janet Ogle, Health Education, AU says
That’s interesting , I fear changing therapists too yet the only therapy I am receiving is cognitive behaviour therapy, I would like more tools to deal with overwhelming emotions in situations that my PTSD symptoms are triggered as in that heightened state my knowledge of slow deep breath to keep me in the now goes out the window ..all the healthy tools I know about in those moments don’t exist ?!
Lorraine Scott, Another Field, Fort Wayne, IN, USA says
Hi Crystal, I agree with you regarding Interviewing your therapist. You have to know before you ‘get into’ spilling out your trauma that you can ‘truly trust’ this person and that while the therapist is Not there to be your best friend, you are confident in knowing they are there to help you through the very long life journey that is PTSD.
PTSD is not an illness, mental or otherwise, that any truly diagnosed person of PTSD can claim to be a ‘Survivor’ in today’s sense of the word.
The word ‘Survivor’ is used exclusively to describe a person that has (Been Healed Completely…..Overcome A Great Obstacle Never Again to Tackle…)
PTSD is not Healed or Overcome by any stretch of the imagination….
We are Very Blessed and Fortunate to have ‘Remissions’ or ‘Reprieves’ at varying intervals for varying amounts of time.
Different Life Events….Challenges……or…..Life Stages…(from our teens to adulthood…when we have a child and each very significant age or milestone they reach…..when one of our children marries….
When a grandchild is born…..or the next grandchild is born….when the first grandchild starts kindergarten….when we reach early middle age….when a parent dies…when a sibling dies and you are really faced with your own mortality lime never before…..after all, don’t you naturally think your parents are more likely to die before your best-friend sibling?….when your last parent dies….you realize you’re an Orphan….oh yes you do…
Middle age sucks when you have PTSD….it’s worse than PTSD was for must persons with PTSD raising children…. your children aren’t living at home anymore….you and your spouse are alone again with your PTSD and your Stimuli are way more active than usual. You have memories and emotions you never had when you started therapy 20+ ….
Or 30+…..or more years ago…..
In many cases you are no longer in therapy of any kind and haven’t been for a long time…..you think about therapy being possible……then you think…I. don’t want to start all over and go through all that again! I’m not going to do that!….i Am Never Going to See a Therapist Again, it’s Not Worth It!….
That is when you start your Research if you want to heal…..You tell your PCP that you want a Good Therapist who ‘Meets You Where You Are Today’ and Helps You Along a Healing Journey From Here!
Yes, you do have to give a history of why you have a PTSD diagnosis.
That’s one of the greatest reasons for ”interviewing the Therapist”.
It should be a lightly detailed but brief history of your Early PTSD, where you were mentally when the diagnosis was made & a brief as possible history of where you have been in your journey since.
No in-depth study-analysyis, back and forth sessions of dialogue. Treatment should focus on where you are now in life, healing where you are and your responses to Stimuli/triggers.
Research your therapist options, the types of therapies each one claims to specialize in, research All of their credentials, the credentials of All the faciliy(ies) where they pactice.
A N, Other, Pittsfield, MA, USA says
Dear commentors: PLEASE please please share your experiences if it helps you, because keeping it in doesn’t help, please, don’t stay quiet, keep being open and healing, but please, give a little warning so others can prepare themselves if you’re going to write graphically. PLEASE write “trigger warning” at the beginning of your comment. I was having a good day, and then I got slammed by some of these comments. If I’d seen “trigger warning”, I could have 1) prepared myself for big triggers or 2) just skipped reading.
Thank you for sharing, because I know from experience how difficult it can be, but please give folks a heads-up?
Elisa F, Other, Valley View , TX, USA says
I know I have issues of trauma as well as having a husband that was verbally abuse, etc.
katarina kildare, Psychotherapy, GB says
Hello, I have already made a long responce to your writing but not sure is it on.
Do not want to repeat my self, just to say reading the clients insight as a responce i realize what is going on.
With all do respect (not to say i would love to meet you) what you did is put on the paper, let out information gathered for years of clinical observation.
I do not understan the outcome you expect.
Sensses are paramount in trauma affected clients, we have fragmente self, not just split so reliang on reminising is only option yes.
We know story we never be told as a story it is exactly journiey if therapeutic relationship is there, slowly facing fragment after fragment , building self worth, self love and meeting fragments ..
touch plays big part that is why i wanted to here more from you, this was with respect just sending info to the people who yet donot know.
One question: and at the end are you for facing reliving the moment and having catharsis or primal faze..or not .
katarina kildare
katarina kildare, Psychotherapy, GB says
i wanted to replay to few people but technology is not allowing me to . I can just live a comment which i will.
I read your article carefully and noticed that i am reading it and not feeling it. All what you describe as truma characteristic responce in clients during the session is seen and experienced every day in therapy sessions.
I guess what i am trying to say for example sensis playing a part in memories
“magdalena cookies ” smell bringing memorise , reminesing is described in Prust literature and his work.
Yes we can not tell you the story of the event,events,,,but i was expecting to hear something i never did before and i did not.
And at the end i am not clear what is you take on taking a patient on the yourne from day one, fragments recorded , parallel with self worth, love mindfulness work so to bring patient to chatartic state as Freud woud say, or Primal stage.
Or you do not insist on the whole picuture just fragments of self i guess?
Katarina Kildare
Brett Butler, Another Field, Los Angeles, CA, USA says
A helpful article was downloaded from the initial email: Perhaps it’s attached to the original correspondence. In any case, I’ve gotten so much from various interviews and writing from Dr. van der Kolk.
Check out the episode of “On Being” from NPR. This is where I was introduced to his work.
Pax et lux.
Terrry Luster, Social Work, Union, OR, USA says
What if u dont work no more and u r still around the person who mentally an physically did things to u, but hasnt laid hands on u in 16 yrs because of change but there is still some form of mental off and on and it really hurts my feelings
Chris, Another Field, Bend, OR, USA says
Very interesting and I do believe in the concept. As one who suffers from PTSD, this makes sense. I’ll keep reading. You’ve got my attention. Thanks
ricky jaffe, Coach, xx, NY, USA says
I suffer from traumatic stress disorder, the nightmares come and go, what I am trying to understand is how stress, good or bad trigger my migraines and nausea, they last for two days, in those two days I can not accomplish anything, I do not consume any drugs to relive the pain, when I realize I am getting stress, I try to just breath deeply, what can I do to ease the sinus nerve inflammation. my trauma is from clinical and system abuse.
Natasha Nich, Other, AU says
This is my life and when I go out I tend wrap my self up in an emotional wall so no one can get through a wall upon walls.
Hazel Burg, Nursing, AU says
Darling girl. If you want to chat to me anytime as I have a very similar life. Abused as child and all my life men have hurt me then viciously raped 5 years ago and strangled but I lived and he came back for three years so each day I am on high alert. I suffer depression and anxiety and PTSD. I just completed my nursing again to give me strength and to take control. I passed and am not working yet I am going through the denial am I capable of being a nurse I know I can and I will. I am trying to be not defined by what I have had happen in my life. I don’t talk to many people and I do spend a lot of time alone. But we are alive and we can be strong. We just need same people to pick each other up I think that makes you feel better doing this. So if you want to chat anytime I would like that. Kindest of regards Hazel
Christina Church, Other, Eden, MD, USA says
I was sexually abused by my step father from age 7 until i was 15. It ended at 15 because i left home. I was also physically and mentally abused by my mother and step father daily. Ive been to doctors most of my life for depression, sleeping disorder, anxiety and PTSD. Nothing seems to work. Im feel overwhelmed, scared, anxious and feeling of my body always tensed up. I can never relax. I cant even gets a good nights sleep because of nightmares every night. Im always tired and never feel rested. Im sick of trying different medications to help me. Im starting to feel like i will never have peace in my life. My body feels tired a lot but my mind never shuts off. Always feeling worried about everything. I really wish i could find help. Sick of going to different doctors just for them to throw meds at me and want me to relive my pain over and over. I hate seeing a therapist. I hate reliving my pain. All they want you to do is talk about my past. Im sick of having panick attacks feeling like im having a heart attack. What i go through daily is HELL!! I was switched to a new medication a couple of months ago and the side effects were so bad. I felt like bugs crawling under my skin all over my body and my depression got ten times worse and my thought process went haywire to the point i almost commit suicide. Of course im not on those meds anymore. Tired of being a ginny pig for new meds out on the market. Any suggestions??
Crystal P, Another Field, Adak, AK, USA says
Changing Therapists can be so awful. Every time there is a change in a therapist it’s like u have to tell ur story all over again and fight all those fears and and be torn up inside and owt. Come hell or high water I stuck with mine who was in private practice so I didn’t have to deal with the beurocratic bullshit of some local or state community mental health place just up and switching therapists on me or a counselor just starting out working thier way up the food chain and me just being on thier client list. So I guess, my suggestion is find a therapist in private practice. And by find, I mean You interview them. Not the other way around. See, here’s the thing. In order for therapy to work for you, meaning for the therapeutic process to assist you in gaining skills and or working through that which you aim to work through. There needs to be some semblance of a therapeutic relationship. It’s a two way street. If you go into it having made the choice it’s going to assist in the relationship. Find someone you believe you can work with. However do not have the the misguidings that a therapist will be there to agree with you, or tell u what to do.
This is just my opinion. I’m not a therapist. I’m a client who has had the same therapist for over 18 years. In my ecperience, for me, there is no quick and easy way over PTSD, Complex PTSD, Dissociation, Anxiety, Depression. It’s a long slow, terrifying, confusing,ugly process that medication and even verbally expressing what started this process for us, for me is. But also using other forms of expression which include art, music, movement, writing play. I do some of these alone, with my pet and in therapy. But learned so so much and grown so so much too. This is by no means a Kumbiya story. I struggle daily. But I do want you to know I feel the struggles are manageable when u have a safe place to take them and or put them. For me, it’s been my therapist and her office.
Thank you for sharing a piece your journey and for reading a piece of mine.
Wendy Danbury, Teacher, Orange, CA, USA says
Dear Christina,
You might find it helpful to read Dr. van der Kolk’s book, The Body Keeps the Score, to learn more about the trauma you’ve experienced. There are many different therapeutic approaches, and some may be more useful for you than re-hashing what’s happened in your past. I avoided seeing a therapist for years, because I was tired of re-telling the same story, without feeling better. Fortunately, I finally found a therapist who does not push medication, who listens, and who helps me stay grounded in my body so I can process the feelings in a safe way. I have noticed that the tension in my body has been reduced a lot, and I hardly ever have a dissociative episode. I still get occasional nightmares, but less frequently than before. It’s nice to finally have some hope for the future, and I hope you will be able to find the same in your journey.
Irina Stuchinsky, Social Work, Manalapan, NJ, USA says
Christina,
I am so sorry that these things have happened to you. I am a holistic psychotherapist and a certified integrative nutrition health coach. I believe that medications are always last resort after all other alternatives have been exhausted. I suggest that you look into Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) and Michael Stevenson “Create your life” seminar/event.
I also suggest that you visit my friend’s website “www.evolutionaryhealer.com” and reach out to Terry Nichols for guidance and support.
Good luck and be well.
Warm wishes,
Irina Stuchinsky
Nathan Kumaru, Other, CA says
Out of all the comments I read, your resonanted more with me in many ways. Thanks for sharing
Susan Dui, Another Field, CA says
I tell people I have been through world wars that is how much it impacted my life. I have been in therapy for over 30 years and have learned and took:
Self hypnosis and guided imagery
EFT
DBT 3 times
Tai chi
Meditation
Have read every self help book I swear
Mindfulness
Shelia Sylvia, Other, Port Huron, MI, USA says
I feel like my body has memories my brain has no pictures for. I have no way to explain it. I can daydream or go in n out of a conversation at the snap & I am getting better at controlling it. It makes things look hard.
Maria Almora, Counseling, San Diego , CA, USA says
I suffer from a phobia to vomiting ever since I remember. My mother was abusive towards me when I was a child and once she knew I was terrified of the sound of vomiting she would use that to make me “obey”. If I didn’t obey, she would pretend she was vomiting. I would run and cry terrified. Now I’m 30 and I just wanna know how to get cured. It has impacted my whole life. If my husband gets sick, I’d leave the house not to hear the sound of it.
I finished my MA in Education Counseling and I have come a long way from how I was many years ago but I still have hopeless moments where I believe the distress I feel about it will never go away. Exposure therapy did help me a lot.
Ashton Sullivan, Counseling, Beaufort, SC, USA says
Maria, I used to have “regurgiphobia” too! I would literally close my ears and nose and eyes if anyone around me was throwing up and freak out or leave if it was possible. Exposure was what helped me get over it. Honestly, being drunk and around drunk people in college when people puked and I saw that I didn’t freak out was what made me get over it. Obviously, this isn’t something that would be deemed appropriate for treatment but I think CBT and mindfulness would be helpful. Like instead of judging it as a bad thing, noticing that it is the body’s way of feeling better and that is actually a good thing. Also just noticing the feelings and sensations as a temporary situation that will pass, just like mentioned above. I hope that was helpful
maryann, Another Field, CA says
I am not a professional, I am a mom of a turning 17 years old daughter. I see my daughter using her trama to exuse her unaccepable behavior,smoking pot and drinking , this is kind of normal for teens now days. But she is excessive and disrespectful by bringing it in my home, and swears at me when I confront her about it..she went to our family doctor and got antidepressants, but never took them.
Mary Rumfeld, Other, CA says
Your daughter is not using her trauma as an excuse, her behaviour is a direct response of her excuse. You sound very dismissive, she needs emotional support and love, not judgement and shaming.
Crystal Vandermeulen, Other, Butte, MT, USA says
I feel this completely
Lauren Johnson, Medicine, AU says
Very general comment!! Some teens that have had trauma refuse emotional support, mothers and family members are then becoming victimised by these behaviours. No matter how loving or supportive, the dynamic has shifted and Unless useful interventions are enacted asap, this 17 yo will continue. Often also because mum Encourages intervetions , they refuse and sabotage. Medication is not the answer at this point. Behavioral and emotional therapy is.
Heather Penney, Health Education, CA says
Thank god someone said it: your daughter is acting out because she doesn’t know how else to get the help she needs, is likely terrified, and believe me, it takes more than a pill to get over trauma.
To even imply that this isn’t a serious cry for help and blame her is just telling her you aren’t a safe person/place to come to either.
Mary Winston, Other, CA says
Your daughter is not using her trauma as an excuse, her behaviour is a direct result of her trauma. She is in need of love and support, not shame and judgement. I hope you find it in yourself to truly listen to her and connect with her, I hope for her sake that you are able to be compassionate towards her. I can tell by the way you are writing about her that you are making things worse.
Gloria Jean Young, Teacher, Los Fresnos, TX, USA says
Now who’s shaming who? I’ve been through trauma as a child, a teen, and an adult, but I’m working through it to be the best person I can be. However, my daughter, now in her 20s, has a very different attitude toward the trauma she’s suffered. Sadly, she often does use it as an excuse. I do love and support her. And while everyone in her life has given up on her, I have not and never will. I will continue to model to her that she can rebuild herself. But she is frequently abusive. It isn’t my fault. I don’t make it worse and I suspect this other mom doesn’t aim for that either. Don’t blame an already exasperated parent. Instead, try to encourage correct and useful responses that could help her help her daughter.
Cynthia Lackie, Other, Davenport, FL, USA says
Gloria Jean, I am not a professional but those were my thoughts exactly. Shaming the mother is not helpful. There are many ways to say the same thing but say it in a good manner, an ok manner or bad manner. I was not liking the trend I was seeing in the responses. I almost didn’t read yours because I was not sure I wanted to read another as they seemed to be devolving each level I read. Glad I stuck it out. I am sure each responder thought they were being helpful, but in hind sight they probably would have responded differently.
Rob Wri, Health Education, AU says
There is no substitute for love. I can see your frustrations as a mother. Too many of us are completely unawares that we have negative thought as we do not stop and analyse our thoughts. Look only for your daughters positives in your mind. As you would remember teenage daughters go through difficult times. (I had 3!) I can’t help feeling a lot of compassion and a little compromise will help. Find a place together both in your minds and in your environs.
Hearher, Health Education, CA says
* hit the nail on the head. She needs safe secure support.
Lyndsey Gough, Psychology, GB says
I understand. It must be difficult for you to witness your child in this way while she develops into adulthood. Teenagers grow into themselves & personalities, character traits transform. You both sound like you are in pain which I urge you to seek an experienced psychotherapist ignoring the above commentary as clearly they are after conflict, not helping an individual restore the psych rather than unhing it further.
A note to them as a trainee clinician “be merciful before judgemental as words can have the same impact on someone’s mental health as a physical attack. Where’s your fucking humility & morality?”
Cynthia Lackie, Other, Davenport , FL, USA says
I loved everything you wrote right down to the second to last sentence. The last one is probably due to a pet peave of mine with the over use of the “F word.” Or it just seemed you lost the calm nurturing composure you seemed to have before then. However, with that said, I can not say you are wrong…just that it seemed you came unhinged at the end yourself. Just an observation and food for thought. The majority of your post was spot on. Thank you.
J, Teacher, Champaign, IL, USA says
“…the main focus of therapy needs to be helping people shift their internal experience or, in other words, how the trauma is lodged inside them.”
Yesterday I worked, primarily with imagery, on my own experience of feeling like someone is going to orally rape me. Literally retching up the feeling of having that penis shoved inside my mouth. Today, I do feel better, less reactive. Let’s hope that continues.
Thanks–it’s very important to know how talking can shift the brain away from sensation and observing what’s going on inside. That has very much been my experience.
Also, the implicit, fragmented memories devoid of context–bingo. That experience has always led me to believe I was making things up, or just crazy. So, it’s good to see that spelled out in black and white. Although I was aware of this, I don’t think I really believed it.
Monica Porter, Psychotherapy, GB says
I use EFT, Emotion Code and NLP to treat PTSD , fears, phobias, depression. I teach them stress release points on the forehead and Cooks Hookups to alleviate stress and Havening technique to calm them down and reassure them.
Some traumas have even been linked to past births and have been encoded in the DNA, but can be removed with emotion code.
Monica Porter