Times of uncertainty often become powerful opportunities for growth.
And yet, fear of uncertainty can freeze people in their tracks – they become hesitant to make decisions or take a step in any direction.
So when clients get stuck, how can we help them move forward?
In the video below Joan Borysenko, PhD describes specific skills that can help people become “unstuck” during periods of transition.
Take a look – it’s about 5 minutes.
What has kept your clients stuck, and how have you helped them move forward? Please leave a comment below.
Great video. I am a big fan of Dr. Borysenko’s work. Thank you very much for the deep thoughts and framework.
Often I’ll get a Client who is stuck in the loss of a partner, often due to being left. If they can be with the grief — have a cup of tea with it, as a wise mentor told me– it is so much healthier. When they refuse to let go, caught in a sense of false hope, it can be an excruciating “stuckness” for them, as well as to witness. I really like the phrase describing the place between “no longer” and “not yet.” Really resonates. Thanks for this.
T. J. Rutherford, LCSW
that is really helpful. i love that.
It is about have the right mindset for uncertainty, knowing that uncertainty is a process for growing.
Thank you for sharing. Yes uncertain is a place we all experience at times.
This is were hope faith and mindfulness is really discovered .We are responsible for our own-self.But self is so much bigger than ones self.
Connecting and love can cure everything….Sending Blessing out …..
We put so many things in “boxes” to create our reality, I wonder if not being stuck is an illusion.
Thank you for sharing.
Verla Walker, PhD, CA
Carol’s, “damn hallway,” reminds me of Voltaire’s, “Life’s a shipwreck, but we must keep singing in the lifeboats.” The vision of true humor is life’s salve.
Clients are often searching for reassurance that they are okay… That nothing is wrong with them, their symptoms. Just reassuring that a lot of people have similar symptoms/experiences and were able to solve them, often helps them big deal (in my experience).
Fear! I think that for my clients they become stuck in times of uncertainty because of the very truth that ‘shit happens’ at the end of the day we are not in control of everything. Thus I try and work on getting my clients to regroup and be in the ‘present’ moment. A moment that includes expressing grief, grappling with uncertainty, and holding a tension of the unknown. I work on getting the patient to breath in the now and to sit with their essence. To listen to what their pain, Loss, change has brought about. To ‘hear’ Themselves and garner strength when it is time to move forward in the present moment ( use of dbt skill ‘pause’)
In summary, I work to hold a space where the client can be BE. And I validate their experiences, their perceptions of the truth, and do more than listen rather hear their story/ narrative/ life journey which in that moment is in the midst of a huge ‘rupture and repair’.
What a helpful/authentic lady
Thanks
john carvosso
(Reminds me of a Bible verse (2Cor5;17)
or of ‘The dark Night of the Soul’ (St John of the Cross)
I’m glad Joan emphasises how wrestling with this ‘dark side’
can lead to greater light/unstuckness
There is so much in Joan’s brief talk, but I would like to focus briefly on the use of the concept of The Return which reminded me of Mircea Eliade’s The Myth of the Eternal Return in which he states that “suffering is perturbing only insofar as its cause remains undiscovered.” Mythologies throughout the world provide explanations for those causes, and yet, for so many today, the myths have been lost, or discounted, and with them are lost a sense of The Journey, that we are actors in The Great Drama, that suffering has meaning, that time is both linear and cyclical, and that our past resides in the present, and so does our future. As mentors, we help others discover the causes of suffering in many ways, such as neurocounseling to understand the autonomic nervous system, somatic experiencing, EMDR, prolonged exposure therapy, spiritual or existential therapies, Tsultrim Allione’s Feeding Your Demons, as well as ACT, CBT, DBT, and even reality therapy. Uncertainty conjures fear, so the nurturing of fearlessness along with other skills for tolerating distress and solving problems, as well as reprocessing trauma physically, emotionally, and cognitively is crucial. Mindfulness helps us first to fear our minds less, and then to fear reality less. Faith, religious or not, is a sense of certainty that The Return will come. Uncertainty, “between no longer and not yet,” is the opportunity to develop fearlessness.
There is so much in Joan’s brief talk, but I would like to focus briefly on the use of the concept of The Return which reminded me of Mircea Eliade’s The Myth of the Eternal Return in which he states that “suffering is perturbing only insofar as its cause remains undiscovered.” Mythologies throughout the world provide explanations for those causes, and yet, for so many today, the myths have been lost, or discounted, and with them are lost a sense of The Journey, that we are actors in The Great Drama, that suffering has meaning, that time is both linear and cyclical, and that our past resides in the present, and so does our future. As mentors, we help others discover the causes of suffering in many ways, such as neurocounseling to understand the autonomic nervous system, somatic experiencing, EMDR, prolonged exposure therapy, spiritual or existential therapies, Tsultrim Allione’s Feeding Your Demons, as well as ACT, CBT, DBT, and even reality therapy. Uncertainty conjures fear, so the nurturing of fearlessness along with other skills for tolerating distress and solving problems, as well as reprocessing trauma physically, emotionally, and cognitively is crucial. Mindfulness helps us first to fear our minds less, and then to fear reality less. Faith, religious or not, is a sense of certainty that The Return will come. Uncertainty, “between no longer and not yet,” is the opportunity to develop fearlessness.
What really works is spirituality
Uncertainty appears to be at the chore of my work with children and parents. Uncertainty seems to be the at the root of their anxieties and mood problems. I can’t think of a particular client that I’ve helped in this regard. However, a 17 year-old girl told me that with my assistance, she has become the person she is today. So in reflection, maybe I helped her with her sense of uncertainty about her life and stuck ness about her future. Maybe in effect, I was a mentor for her.
Great post
Merci beaucoup
Love from Paris
Valerie Lemettre
Hypnothérapeute Naturopathe
To remember the love that is present.
Childhood neglect, abuse and loss has kept one client mired in despair for years.
I recently worked with a client who was resistant of the idea of having IVF. Her partner of 10 years had suffered with Orthorexia and his condition had dominated their relationship – he was afraid of food and putting on weight and causing her to develop a body image problem because he constantly watched what she ate or bought in the way of food.
She was willing to let go of the past now that he was getting help, but she was stuck in how to forgive him and stop blaming him for the past and look forward to the future IVF. She was angry that she was the one who had to go through all that was involved in preparing for and having the IVF when he had caused all her anger and sadness.
I helped her see that forgiveness was letting go of the hope for a better past and also taught her mindfulness: that in the present moment, her partner was contrite and had overcome Orthorexia and wanted to move on to having a child. I taught her to have self compassion and grieve for all the hurt and pain. As IVF loomed, I helped her realise that putting a deadline or final outcome on IVF only caused her to turn back to anger and blame. In the present moment things were loving and peaceful and she was less inclined to worry about what she ate, because he was no longer afraid of food or getting fat. Presenting the concept of uncertainty was difficult at first. She wanted certainty but certainty frightened her. The idea that there are no guarantees anyway, no matter how much we plan or try to prevent the things we fear in the future gradually helped her to embrace uncertainty and she suddenly was able to relax into mindfulness of what they had in the present moment. I can say we were all relieved!
A great message, personally and societally, for the 21st century – ‘Honour Liminal Space’ …… and feed the hungry !
The big take home for me is patience, we live in a culture saturated with instant gratification. Patience in the time of uncertainty with a self compassionate voice, is my message to myself …. and my clients.
I offer 10minutes mindfulness practice within the way I work as a counsellor. This assisted a client who was unable to go anywhere on her own, for over ten yrs, to take the initial step of walking to our meeting place by herself. When she entered the room she spoke of feeling so proud of herself. When I enquired after what she had done she told me that she decided to walk here on her own today. On the way she described how she started to have a panic attack. My client talked of how she used the mindfulness practice she had learned within our sessions and this enabled her to ward off her panic attack and then continue her journey to me. Another client used it to control his panic attacks and change his life by giving him the inner strength to recognise and remove himself from the toxic relationships that were destroying him on a daily basis. I love that mindfulness quietly teaches resilience and self-empowerment!
Sandra, Will you share more detail about the specific mindfulness practice you teach your clients. I am interested as I am trying to incorporate one into my work with clients, but haven’t yet settled on one.
Thank you! Perfect information for the current situation with young adult daughter who is at the crossroads- feeling like she’s made mistakes- afraid of making the next step- needing to realize it’s a normal process to grieve, feel uncertain, do some introspective reflection and have self love. Life is a journey and we map it with each other’s love and support! The WORLD needs to hear this!
I will definitely use this with my client, thank you!!
Thank you! I remind my clients that they have heard the saying “when one door closes another door opens” and then I tell them that nobody talks about the damn hallway! What do you do in the hallway between doors? We discuss ways they can be present in the hallway, decorate the walls, place flowers and plants to help uplift the experience, make a vision board etc. Celebrate those damn hallways!
Carol, you’ve made my day with this comment! Absolutely brilliant.
Love this Carol!
The point about “if you’ve lost something, allow yourself to grieve it” is so important, so fundamental, and also strangely so foreign in some way. The thought we have that we will expire if we go again to the vulnerable place where we were injured, that we barely escaped the first time and sure as hell are not rejeopardizing ourselves is actually keeping us from finding the safety we need to move on. Thank you for this thoughtful commentary on the hopeful coming to crossroads as a reframing of eternal broken stuckness.
Carol, that concept of the ‘damn’ hallway is brilliant! I will be using that and giving accolades and attribution to you!
Sandy
Totally impressed with the idea of using the “hallway” as an essential transitional experience full of immense creative and self-empowering potential! Thank you, Carol!
Love this concept of the Hallway. Thank you. It’s especially powerful for clients who are visual thinkers!
I find some of clients who have had terrible things happen to them, mostly from a dysfunctional family system, are stuck in anger, and afraid to try something new.
I feel to simply give my clients the space and safety to feel all their feelings, then uncertainty is not a concept or feeling their feelings are what is next. In embracing and be with oneself and one’s feelings movement and reassurance happens and life continues to unfold. Also it is important to help my clients come out of the concepts of their life and head into the living breathing experience, changes and fluctuations and to help them know that what is happening is ok. So often life does not go as one would expect and my clients need help metabolizing and accepting that and I help them find comfort in their feelings and realize their feelings are the compass through.
So often it is something that happened in childhood, or a negative feeling that lingers from a trauma, so doing Inner Child work helps more often than not…reparenting and doing it better than ever.
Thank you for this; it was very helpful and stimulated some good ideas, both new and old.
Many things seem to get my clients stuck but often it is fear or lack of confidence in their ability to manage the emotions associated with the feared thing. Usually it is because they have given up on believing things can be any different. Then the excuses start for why they don’t move in any direction. I try to help them find a way out by findings creative ideas for trying a different path. Often it seem that my believe and confidence is enough to get them started.
Beautifully said. Liminal space is a place of growth. I will use that.
A wonderful powerful articulation by Joan Borysenko of the power of mindfulness. Thankyou.
This is very helpful – clients who don’t have chronic mental illness in addition to the meaning-forming process would have easier time with the steps, but even with complex morbidity, the steps provide important anchors.
Helping clients to grieve, and educating them on the growth that takes place during times of uncertainty will help them to find hope during this time. I also really liked the time between no longer and not yet. I also like the crossroads. This really helped to validate client’s place in their lives and help them to see that it is temporary, when they come back to the place of return.
Thank you. Going to a back yard storynight tonight to tell how i am now free of depression after 30 years of trying to kill myself! these steps are legitimately what I follow. I would add, for myself and everyone I know, to follow a sacred path, as in, something you do, like yoga, singing, whatever, that when you do it daily, it brings you to the present.
A phrase I learned a long time ago comes to mind in these uncertain times:
Trust the Process
I guess it’s holding on to the past b/c it seems to be all we have. Perhaps we cling to the certainty of what we already know. Letting go is a leap of faith.
Thank you for this insight. I have made notes on the talk Joan gave. I have a new client who is stuck, so I’m going to use these insights with him as he is ready. He is definitely stuck and needs to grieve the loss of his original expectations and learn to be OK with uncertainty as he works through his issues. he is definitely at a cross road at the moment. Thanks Joan & Ruth
Ruth thank you for hosting Joan always makes stages clear.
clear. The not is not yet. The allowing oneself to grieve and to n It hurry into the New, take time and be or feel supported my mentors. This is why your work is so important as it can be used for self as well as clients. You and your group are great mentors for us all. Thank you once again.
I realize after the fact that I have been grieving for my lost object–my attachment–and then I am able to move forward-my dog, Zac, gives me the strength to do so–I realize that I have never allowed myself to let go of my old frame around my finances-and why I keep cycling–I don’t allow myself to let go and move into the void- and see what is there–scary–but I need to do it- I am hanging on to expectations that I am going to marry an attorney or a doctor, be rich, join a country club, not work, ,have lots of stock options and rich friends-live in a mansion like in Hillsboro, travel all over the place–instead I am living in a trailer park, have poor friends except Susan–fear traveling, live on my social security and see where my recovery from addiction interfered with making my expectations–what I do have is a husband that loves me without measure, friends that love me unconditionally, a strong spiritual connection, and hope–my parents for all their expectations and materialism had no love, hope, compassion or spiritual life–I wouldn’t trade what I have
Thank you. This was helpful for me to reflect on where I have been — in a place of uncertainty. And it does feel good when you come out the other side.
thank you for this…the time between no longer and not yet…..2 years ago i separated from the father of my kids and although we keep a good connection the loss has been profound.i moved with the kids from the family home into a rental situation. the feeling of vulnerability and fear has been many layered, i have reflected lately that i am still frozen, unable to find the way forward and has given rise to almost panic at times that touches into childhood trauma, so i use the image of standing, or even kneeling at the sacred crossroads and there is for sure a lot of potential for growth, surrender and resting into the unknown. a time to practice meditation, movement and agni hotra, one day at a time. thank you again. i found this really affirming of my own journey. blessings on us all….Kumari
Look up Larry Bilotta x
I have done grief work with clients and I think this has helped them the most to move on. Always sounds simple but getting them to feel their feelings and not judge is
Big. Thank you Ruth for providing these kind of feee learning opportunities. They are really helpful!
This is not new information, it still very valuable. Fritz Perls, back in the forties talked about “the fertile void” (one of the layers of neurosis) as a key experience in the client’s expanding awareness and growth. The task for the therapist at this time is to not jump in to save the client from this often uncomfortable uncertainty, but to be able to stay with him/her as they navigat through the uncertainty to greater awareness. Mindfulness seems to have s many elements of gestalt therapy.
Not being able to release the past or forgive the self for past mistakes – or present ones. Buddhist meditation, mindfulness, has been helpful in many cases. Chi Gong practice has also been helpful.
Thank you…insights galore in this video! The notion of (no longer/not yet) parallels some of William Bridges work in Transitions of Endings/Transitions/New Beginnings. Being within that transition period…and sometimes needing to be like tree roots in winter…going deep for nourishment….before we can emerge again spring-like holds so many truths for “getting unstuck.”
I’m now working a lot with organizations and businesses who “are stuck”…behaviorally in workplace incivility, unprofessionalism, (which easily disintegrates into bullying, taunting and workplace violence), and which keeps them stuck in performance mediocrity. We know it doesn’t have to be that way. Helping them move forward (together in new agreements) is my life’s work.
In helping individuals move forward in the moment when they first are seeking help, I usually determine their positive behaviors within their stories and highlight those, because often they have forgotten what makes them a good human being (for the most part). Or else, they are so depleted from overwhelming circumstances of bad decisions they can’t see past them. I almost always see strength in one form or another. It takes a strong person to continue struggling and punishing themselves in ways that are unknown to them. I believe that once a person receives that affirmation from another person they trust or known to be just, they can start to see the truth within themselves also. Much work is, of course, still needed, but it is a starting point. To see once again that you have a strength all your own, which is responsible for what controls your life, it the path to empowerment as an individual, and basically clarity to overcoming perceived obstacles.
I would add that observing without judgment is truly the key to absorbing the most that you can from that uncertain time. If clients continue to judge themselves or others, they begin to impose their old thought patterns on the “void” and thus tend to rebuild the same circumstances and habits as before, rather than grow and change.
A feeling of lightness from deeper breathing has unstuck a recent client, she said, after our Biodynamic Craniosacral Therapy work.
I really like her language of no longer and not yet and helping clients understand that it is during uncertainty that the most growth occurs. I agree too that it is necessary to grieve the loss but also depending on the nature of the loss addressing feelings of guilt/ blame and or shame that can accompany and complicate these stages in a client’s experience.
Thank you, Joan, for your comments.
It would appear to me that the most important things needed, during times of uncertainty, are nurturing love, belief and moral support; without them, it’s a very isolating journey.
I agree one needs nurturing love, belief and moral support. Do you think psychotherapists are trained to give those qualities? The next question during that liminal time is you did not have those sources of support before the loss where does one find them in that challenging time??
I will share from my own experience that I had step back out into the world and begin to search for them, trying out different support groups, i.e. 12 step programs, meditation class, yoga class, joining a like minded spiritual group which for me was Unity Church, joining a hiking club, taking an art class or just doing art to connect with myself.. Doing the things I use to love and reawakening the feeling of being alive again… Going for walks in nature and developing a relationship with the loving Spirit within. As I have reawakened to my own Spirit I have found healing within myself that has allowed me to reingage with people and love in the world. IHope that helps!
Doing the things you listed, along with allowing oneself to grieve, are, for me, keys to ongoing healing.
Oh, and yes I do believe therapist have those skills… They help one see different perspectives and also validate their experience giving them the moral support and belief in themselves.. They can also help them discover ways to reingage with their world to find the love and support that is available out there and by helping them set goals and take risk they can begin to step forward into a new life… That has just been my personal experience.
As a person that has been stuck for many years after concurrent
losses, it is so very true that without love, belief and moral support,
the self becomes smaller and the walls close in even more. I understand
the limitations of talk therapy as it occurs within the confines of a small
space as it is told to me within my experience. I have issues with environment and process and how to actually navigate life with limited resources. I think sustainability is more than a little challenging for lost souls if there is no ‘firm ground’, and in an ‘ideal world’ I play with
the idea of two kinds of therapy, one being ‘talk therapy’ and where possible
combined with ‘walk therapy’ in a larger safe space, and the other being
a more ‘active’ type of therapy in the environment as seeing how a person moves may provide some perhaps helpful information. ie. I personally
experience a great deal of anxiety when I’m standing up talking to my
therapist or see him outside ‘the safety of his office’, though he
actually perceives me as a fairly socially open and comfortable person
in the confines of the small office where I meet for appointments.
Thank you for this…… it fit nicely with a post I’m working on that build’s on Tom Friedman’s book
“Thank You For Being Late”.