How to Ease the Pain of Trauma-Induced Shame
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with Bessel van der Kolk, MD;
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with Bessel van der Kolk, MD; Ruth Lanius, MD, PhD; Peter Levine, PhD; Thema Bryant-Davis, PhD; Richard Schwartz, PhD; Pat Ogden, PhD; Janina Fisher, PhD; Kathy Steele, MN, CS; Stephen Porges, PhD; Martha Sweezy, PhD, LICSW; Deb Dana, LCSW; Ruth Buczynski, PhD
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I was a mental health professional before my memories surfaced. Now, 50 years later I do mentor others at times and I have a non-profit for survivors of abuse & trauma. Two areas I noted related to me- I used to self-harm a lot, more so when I was a kid and couldn’t escape the situation. But I always felt it was a reaction, no time to think, nothing that any cognitive decision could prevent. Also, and this is true today as much as ever- I have a real problem “feeling good”. I tend to put more time into helping others than I do into helping myself. I do make a conscious effort to do things for myself on a regular basis these days, but the opportunities are fewer because of my age, my health, the pandemic….
I integrated the themes (last week) of yeild/submit, please/appease, and guilt/shame into EMDR sessions, and these concepts took us deeper further to help people work through the shame beliefs. People felt helped.
Greetings from Maine,
Once again such incredible insight into the workings of our miraculous minds and bodies and the resilience to experience trauma and survive until a future time where safety and professional support can understand what happened to cause the dis regulated nervous system and how to bring it back through healing to experience Joy!
A very important goal for myself. I have experienced this joy with students most of my life but have been very limited experiencing the joy with adults! There is hope! You’re very professional sessions that you have so generously and graciously shared with all of us bring great HOPE!
Heartfelt gratitude.
psycho ed with holding client in active, supported, protected process of exploration of self and possibility to heal, become, to recover from painful, debilitating trauma
Great insights and strategies about shame that has its roots in past events, but I would like to hear some discussion about shame that is valid discomfort about current circumstances. In my experience working with people, trauma can create very real and embarrassing effects in the ‘here & now’ – such as hoarding/squalor, lack of self-care, inability to work. Often the shame around these things is the biggest factor that gets in the way of people being able to address and resolve the issue, even with support. The shame instead induces minimising (“It’s not really that messy”), hostility, and other avoidance strategies. Would love some ideas on how to work in that space.
FWIW that sounds like a Collapse mode. (Fight – Flight – Freeze – Collapse). Previous sessions focused on Collapse (parasympathetic neural networks). Maybe check out Deb Dana’s book on polyvagal exercises, Porges’ Polyvagal Theory.
Very helpful to increase awareness that freezing is not giving consent!
Thank you! Great video. I’ve been a Hypnotherapist for 19 years so “parts therapy” is very familiar therapy for me. I loved hearing from several therapists because everyone has their own special note to add. I appreciated this and look forward to more!
All these sessions have been so helpful, but this one on shame really got to the crux of what is going on for two of my clients. The need for careful pacing and being gentle as you introduce the feeling aspects really resonated
I have a son with a moral wound from Afghanistan – 2 tours as a helicopter pilot doing Med Evac. This session was sooo helpful to me in knowing how to relate to him, without trying to create too much positive family experience too quickly!! Thank you so much!!
just……THANK YOU SO MUCH !!!!!
I am going to implement the somatic and parts work with my EMDR treatment practices.
I will try to be more aware of signs in the body such as an inclination to move or tighten in order to begin addressing shame and self harm. Will also highlight the notion of shame being a protective survival strategy and even heroic.
I’m a lay person, and have finished the series. I found it to be life changing. I’m so impressed with NICABM and all the contributors to this series. Thank you for your incredible work. May it spread far and wide. Would love to see parenting programs developed which would aid in the prevention of trauma to babies and children, and which would help make ideas like co-regulation commonly known.
Thank you again for this excellent series.
I agree with your comment on translating this information into parenting programs. This is my comment every single time. If it only gets to clients potentially only 1x a week, this info is not very useful.
If NICABM wants to make this more useful, parents are with children 24/7. Parents of children with trauma need this information to prevent further moral injury.
Great point ! I agree ☝️
These seminars have been so amazing! New ideas presented in a well thought out, structured manner, with practical strategies that are easily applied. I am a CPT practitioner and can see how I can integrate these ideas and strategies into my work. Thinking of shame as protective and being able to share this with my clients is game-changing for me and hopefully will be for them as well. Thank you.
I watched the modul 4 just after the sixth monthly therapy session with a 44 years old client with ADHS. His window of tolerance tends to be rather narrow. Or better said the stress induced arousal tends to be continously high. Today I managed to find the space to broaden it up with a guided trance experience in peripheral awareness (adaptation from 60 min. interview Tami Simon with Justin Michael Williams on freedom meditation at 33 min. on youtube)
From all the good ideas from the video of tonight I think I can very well use William Nash’s view of moral injury and the connected loss of trust in yourself as an expression of this injury. I will use some of the ideas I’ve heard and understood to prepare the next session of 1st of december with an email to my client. I hope I can boost his curiosity and interest with some personalized teachings from this evening. Thanks for the inspiring ideas!
Thank you to the speakers and for this opportunity to learn during this presentation about shame, self-harm, moral injury, etc. I want to learn more about putting into practice the inviting of shame by respectfully asking those parts within self that have served as a functional shame and protector. Thanking those parts, creating a narrative and somatic motions/responses. I also want to utilize and put into action suggestions about paying attention to shame and that this holds a long standing history for people, and I believe even more for BIPOC.
I am taking away so much valuable information. Among them was to hear that recovery is a rich and complex development. Adding to that progress might look very slow and both therapist and patient will require patience and courage. Thank you for organising this talk, it is so helpful. Is it possible to repeat the first three sessions? I was not informed earlier about this event.
Reminder that all parts served us at one time. Shame, inner critic, etc, all served us, and now we can be somatically curious about how these parts are no longer skillful and how we can move to a more skillful manner of including these part(s) in our current life.
.HI I have a question can someone really heal from Trauma or will deal with in a healthy way using coping mechanism, I am student to obtain my LMHC master degree with a specialization in Trauma. I myself come from generational childhood trauma (physical and emotional abuse). I have worked to cope with my trauma in EMDR therapy
Doubtful
I believe a person absolutely can really heal from trauma with the right team of professionals to empower you, especially due to the broad and open options the online space offers nowadays . Many professionals even work virtually !
I am more aware of the causes and have better understanding of when our callers talk about their trauma. The sense that it has served its purpose and once the client realizes it they can start accepting that part of themselves with love. Thank you for organizing these talks. I may not have been able to buy them right now even though I would have loved to, when ever the logistics allow me I know very good material is available. I am a student on this journey working with young people, hopefully the insights through these talks would help me support them better.
A sibling with PTSD and moral injury from combat has become very dys-regulated from heightened social media and amplified fear these past few years. My heart aches for him and for how unable I’m unable to hold space for him. His story – his worldview – these days whips up more fear in him and me. I had recognized that there was a lack of safety on a recent visit and saw it was because we were getting close. It sounded an alarm of danger in him. Moral injury has colored our relationship for decades. Trust between us is both assumed to be solid – we’re family – and precarious – this doesn’t feel safe. I found this discussion to be helpful. It’s challenging to find someone who understands this painful dynamic.
I liked the bringing shame back down to size rather than trying to get rid of it. Also the somatic approach of getting the client to move their body in and out of shame posture to help open the door to exploring where shame is coming from I think will be helpful with a client I have.
In the practice of Eastern Medicine, we have an Acupuncture treatment called a “TRAUMA TREATMENT”. While it is given, we can stay with the patient while they release emotions or give them the space to process their own release in privacy and check back in with them in a certain period of time. These Trauma workshops enable me to take that patient through the next steps out of trauma and back into their harmonious whole self, healing as they process how strong they and resilient they really are !
Judanna Cavallo LAc
I’m excited to direct some of my attention to helping my client notice her/his subtle body movements (hands, feet, head and face) that may lead to the opportunity to create an in-session practice where my client has an ah-ha moment and maybe even brings an action to completion. Thank you!
Gigantic! Building on many previous NICABM programs I took, this session has been so uplifting and surprising! Glad I found some words to write, my whole body resonates and is quite busy processing. Heart beats with gratitude. Thank you! So much chances to support so many people I know, especially also students.
Thank you, Ruth and faculty, for an excellent session; my learning points:
Be careful about using validation as it can invalidate patients experiences.
Recognise and understand the window of tolerance.
Encourage patients to recognise and feel positive experiences in a safe environment.
I am an OT and a play therapist and work with children who have experienced trauma, this reinforces to me how valuable it is to help them at a young age. I also appreciate the two things to keep in mind. Such a wealth of knowledge and expertise here. Thank you.
This module was really excellent! The organization and the “Roadmap” connected very well resulting in both great clarity and amazing new incites and understanding. It allowed a picture of symptoms to better become a picture of insights into what the injury is presenting and what the body is seeking in order to find healing. Thank you so much, really well done. Colleen
Thankful for all the valuable information you share. The emphasis on how shame can be adaptive, how it is related to childhood experience, the somatic strategies to deal with self-harm and especially reframing the response to trauma have been some of the most useful take aways for me. Grateful to all who organized this program.
My client has been traumatized by her own repetitive decisions to be sexually active against a religious beliefs. Now as a married woman her body will not respond and let her experience joy. I think I can adapt some of these techniques to have her go back and talk to the young her. Also I think I can have her remember a time with her husband when she did enjoy her bodies arousal and see if we can have her memorize those good feelings.
The entire teaching was beautiful. I took a lot from different speakers but what stood out the most for me was Dr Bessel Van der Kolk’s question “who is benefiting from the story”. Personally, being able to consciously answer this question will possibly change the dynamics of the therapeutic process.
Thank you
Thank you.
The discussion on moral injury was particularly helpful for me and many of the clients I am working with. Thank you.
Thank you! Great info and speakers in accessible pieces. Looking forward to learning more and interfacing with others.
John Hamilton LCSW
Great to be reminded of the spectrum of client responses and paying attn. to regulation
Shame requires corregulation and cannot be transformed in isolation. It requires another body to not only validate your experience of this shame but to bring self awareness and self compassion with ease and in accordance with the client’s somatic experience of shame and the narrative that goes with it. I will be working on developing tools to recognize my own to develop a real sense of what it feels like in my soma and deepen empathetic response to another’s description or unraveling.
I have a client who has a mother that continues to shame her by saying things like, “You are letting yourself go.” (referring to weight gain due to medications). This unloving voice has been internalized. I think she needs to find a way to be compassionate towards herself. You did not mention compassion other than the therapist’s.
Thank you so much this was very helpful!!!
Invaluable session today on working to help clients with Shame!
Thank you!
Ev Kara
Thank you very much. I liked the last part about helping clients take in positive feelings and emotions. Use micro-moves, pacing and check in with their nervous system. This free sharing is very much appreciated.
Thank you so much.
I valued the concepts related to moral injury. I have experienced that and this was a great way of explaining my personal history and will be of benefit in helping others. Thank you so much for this insight!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on shame. Some helpful insights- especially reminder that positive affect can be difficult where it’s so unfamiliar.
I nodded almost constantly during this – the understanding is so comforting – thank you all!
This was a fantastic session. Do you have any resources regarding these topics when working with traumatized children who are not quite as self aware as adults and don’t have the same kind of capacity to process and notice feelings and thoughts as adults might?
I missed part of this module, I would like to relisten. so interesting.
Thank you
The module will be repeated a couple of times on Thursday, I believe.
Take-away from today’s session is “how did the shame serve you as a kid?”
Thank You!
Mimi / Sweden
So glad I signed up. I am deeply moved and inspired by so much of what I have heard here, by the way in which this difficult subject is spoken of, with such clarity, depth, integrity, and above all, compassion.
I am not sure how I will take any of this into my work..but I know it will definitely inform my work as I have listened deeply. I am a music therapist in UK working with adults with severe learning disabilities, some of whom have been deeply traumatised by early life experiences in so called ‘care’ in institutions, on top of the parental rejection which placed them there). Many of my clients do not have the power of speech, so body language, facial expression, sound- vocalisations- and my own feelings are the ways in which I try to make sense of my clients’ experience.
One of the pictures which stays in my mind from this webinar :The simple act of holding someone’s hand when that person was so mired in guilt and shame that they were unable to make connection- and the fact of this having arisen from the therapist watching their client’s body language so closely and with such care that they would notice the way the person was holding their hands out (I don’t remember exactly now) as though connection in this way might be what this small gesture were asking for.
Thank you to the organisers of this marvellous webinar, too. I really appreciated the fact of the speakers’ names and recent publications coming up on screen every single time they spoke. So much attention to detail everywhere. Beautiful.
The presentations are excellent, thought-provoking, and they always raise more questions. Here are two that arise for your discussions so I hope you will be able to address them in the future:
1. How do you work with ongoing, not past, moral injury when a client feels they must continue to act in ways that continually create moral injury to themselves in order to help someone else, or others, or survival, in situations of oppression and the potential for harm. That is to say, the person is acting with a paradoxical moral integrity while creating moral injury to self by constantly acting counter to deeply held moral expectations in order to protect another, others, self, in a situation that is ongoing and cannot be severed without consequences that will create more moral injury? These are good people in bad situations who, for the sake of children or survival or something else, slowly spiral downward into darkness because they feel they must act daily in a way that reinforces moral injury to self. But if they abandoned their assistance, their moral injury to self would be even greater because they would feel that they themselves were creating more harm ….
2.
There was mention of how difficult it is for the practitioner to continue to stay engaged with someone who continues to be self-harming. But there was no discussion on what may work for practitioners, and ways we can continue to keep our own nervous systems regulated. Or, to feel that you’ve moved beyond something and then later have the client return to the dissociative state of self-harm.
Discussion of these would be most useful.
Thank you for what you do. It matters in the world.
Your first question is one that I so relate to and would like answers to. I am working right now with a young woman in this state of being and I am struggling to help her when her circumstances are so unstable at best and dangerous at worst.
I would like to second that excellent question (1) about on going moral injury. Thank you so much for articulating this problem so clearly. I am a lay person who follows these outstanding webinars to help address my own issues. I have watched (felt!) my nervous system spiral out of regulation over the past 10 years due to being caught in a situation not of my making (allegations of historical sexual abuse within my family). I have chosen to remain in a position of openness and love to all parties which I know is greatly detrimental to myself, But to do otherwise would inflict harm on other people, turning me into an aggressor, making myself ‘inauthentic’. I would like to add the point that there is no clear ‘truth’ in my situation. The allegations are clouded by the mental health issues of those concerned and the stories told with great conviction are both heart-breaking and inconsistent. They also utterly cut across all my own deeply felt gut feelings. In effect then, I feel I am being ‘gaslit’. And I suspect in turn other parties feel ‘gaslit’ by me for not corroborating their story. I love all concerned deeply, and the only ‘option’ to truly protect myself from the ‘trauma’ of these allegations exploding into my life would have been to pull out of the family altogether. But this always felt utterly unavailable as an option and I have seen the devastation this causes when others have done this, leaving children traumatised and frail adults abandoned or victimised in numerous ways. So what to do? To protect myself is to inflict unconscionable wounds on others; to not protect myself is to remain a battering ram. If these great and gentle and deeply compassionate trauma practitioners could apply themselves to this problem I would be truly grateful. There must be many others in my situation. Blessings to all who take part in these wonderful sessions.
Hospital Chaplain here: Learning that trauma, really a lifetime of trauma, impacts how and if Patients can find their way to allowing healing in their body. I have learned a lot about shame from Brene Brown PhD and it has helped me in my personal journey and to be a more present chaplain for Hospital Patients. Since this has had a huge impact on me, I am delighted to learn that this education supports my intuitive learning. When old traumas come up (directly or indirectly, I have new ways of responding to Patients – that encourages a gentle, more loving/kindness-based approach to allowing space for emo-spiritual healing that supports physical healing. Key learning: I don’t have to know what Patients have gone through to know the emo/spiritual healing takes place in small steps. So interesting. Thank you
In therapy, one client believes deeply that telling the actual events of her trauma will dispel the shame – She was told so frequently that it was her fault, that she overexaggerated or dreamed it. There were intense family rules that prohibited any talking, complaining, or expressing any emotions but happy. She now finds it very difficult to remember, or believe her memories. She is almost repelled by therapies that say “You don’t have to remember”, or “you don’t have to talk about it.” She wants to, and believes that talking about what happened will clarify the responsibility of the adults -ending the self-blame. She also believes that telling these very embarrassing, shameful events to someone who hears her with respect and compassion is going to be a corrective positive experience, and will also end the need to carry shame. Could she be underestimating the fear responses that keep shame as a protective force, even now? I am eager for the next series on how trauma shows up in relationships, and wonder if the relationship with therapists will be included?
Hi Wendy, I too needed to ‘tell my story’ to my own therapist. I had kept my secrets hidden for 35 years and felt that I was fit to burst with the shame and guilt that I carried around with me on a daily basis, hid from others, and which was then interfering with my day to day life. I recognise this lady’s ‘intense family rules’ as I grew up in a time when children were seen but not heard, adults knew best and were to be respected, and children did not have a voice.
For me it was a long, hard, and at times embarrassing journey but I’m still so glad that I made that decision to talk to someone I felt safely held with. I was looking to see if my therapist made any negative reactions which would then confirm the shame and guilt was mine and when she didn’t and in fact conveyed the opposite it was like a leaden weight had been been lifted from me, as my story had at last been heard and most importantly been believed. The shame and guilt did not go overnight but with work such as talking to my hurt inner child from the present moment, using a safe place, good grounding especially at the end of the session and somatic work it lessened over time.
It sounds like this lady has a good relationship with you and feels comfortable enough to tell you her story.
Nowadays it’s believed that the ‘story’ doesn’t matter but I believe that it’s for the individual client to decide whether or not they want to do this ‘warts and all’ journey, as long as this doesn’t retraumatize them. If you have never been believed that is a lot of confusion to be carrying around with you, so I can understand her repulsion of being told you don’t have to talk about it (I would have taken that as I am not important enough to be heard).