How to Ease the Pain of Trauma-Induced Shame
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with Bessel van der Kolk, MD;
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with Bessel van der Kolk, MD; Ruth Lanius, MD, PhD; Peter Levine, PhD; Thema Bryant-Davis, PhD; Richard Schwartz, PhD; Pat Ogden, PhD; Janina Fisher, PhD; Kathy Steele, MN, CS; Stephen Porges, PhD; Martha Sweezy, PhD, LICSW; Deb Dana, LCSW; Ruth Buczynski, PhD
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Love this powerful topic. It links in with research I did entitled: “Lives unseen: unacknowledged trauma of non-disordered, competent Adult Children Of Parents with a Severe Mental Illness” at The University of Melbourne, Australia. If people google my name, Suzette Misrachi, that research should come up. It also touches on the short articles I’ve been invited to write by a psychiatrist for an e-publication which I then put on medium.com for free for the general public. Thank you NICABM for such a fantastic overview of shame, squeezing in important themes so beautifully! (I posted a comment earlier which did not go through so hopefully sending this briefer version works).
About Moral Injury: I am currently a non practicing counselor. I am also a cult survivor, not just of the Mormon Church but of a New Age cult led by an abusive power seeking guru. I suffered serious moral injury when forced to do things in the cult that I knew were wrong but that the guru said was necessary. This included the emotional abandonment of my child. Children were not really welcomed in the cult. She struggles to this day.
It is not just servicemen, firefighters or police who may experience moral injury. Still, I can relate to the constant agony when we suffer self recrimination for what we did and for what we now cannot change.
Cult induced trauma is likely far more common than we know and includes second generation persons born into a cult or high demand group. The ramifications and shame that comes from allowing our power to be taken from us in the name of God or some savior type personality and becoming victims of “spiritual incest” is overwhelming. Intergenerational imprints may go back generations.
I appreciate the comments of Bessel van der Kolk to revisit the person I once once and have a dialog or to seek to do the good since nothing can actually change the past.
Thank you for this segment on How to Ease the Pain of Trauma-Induced Shame.
Thank you so much for your comment! Spiritual abuse is indeed rampant, I work within the catholic church, the shame of victims of abuse of power or spritual abuse in religious communities is very deep and complex to accompany. Primarily because religious people are so good at using theology to justify their behavior (God wants this, God appointed me to reveal his tenderness and love for you, Jesus is close and expresses affection to children too) or that the victim should remain silent (not doubt, not question authority, not judge, etc, etc). Spiritual abuse is truly toxic and destroys the soul created in by the divine for good not evil. Some people in the name of God were brought to feel they consented to sexual abuse. In France we talk a lot about ’emprise’ by a spiritual leader that can get you to things that interiorly you do not want to do. Thank you for bringing up this very overlooked subject, recently very much discussed in France, but I think less so in the States. Perhaps I have been away too long from my country to know:)
Thank you for sharing the concept of “emprise”. It’s interesting that while we talk about someone or something “having a hold on you” in English, “emprise” sounds so much more succinct and compelling to me.
I am in the States, and I think that we in the US are possibly in the early stages of recovery from the emprise of capitalism, imperialism and the racist genocide on which this nation was established. I know I am personally working with my own shame as I become more informed about history. So it goes.
I quietly rejoice that people working in diverse fields all over the globe are accessing this content and mobilizing it on whichever path we walk.
Susannah, I have worked with a similar “client” base but not currently. (They were not “clients” but people I mentored asca pastoral counselor. An organization called S.N.AP. in the U.S. addresses the problems of clergy abuse. Last year, a major pedophile ring of perpetrators against young males was exposed in a major diocese in a centrally located U.S. state. This information is not covered by the mainstream press nor the mainstream religious press. I suggest you might want to look at the website for SNAP. There are lay people within the Church also investigating this.
I hope posting this comment is generic and does not violate NICABM guidelines.
Thank you for this very informative series. As a nurse I’ve taken many courses. I found this rich program on shame and it’s affects to be informative on a professional and personal level. Working on shame rather than the trauma is key. Thank you for your work to teach us to help others.
Asking the shamed part to isolate and let the other parts calm down and enter into dialogue with the shamed part.
Titrating positive feelings, referencing the nervous system. The presentation was really helpful and informative thank you.
Martha Sweezy actually asked the critical part to isolate and let the shamed parts calm down until they could dialogue with the critical part about what his/her motivation (avoid a threat) was for criticizing. Of course, there may be a whole complex of inner critics as well as groups of shamed parts.
So informative! Next session, I will be exploring and asking more about how not experiencing good things helped my PT survive in her earlier life , had not seen it from that way, understanding she may not have felt safe to do so now either, will encourage the savoring of a few seconds. This was so helpful. Thank you
I Concur. the :”mind_meld ” baby enmeshed with mother
I really like this idea of helping clients experience positive emotions, because maybe this is something they never learned.
This idea, I believe can be healing itself. Thanks for this great session!
I love the part about affect tolerance , uncomfortable emotions and one’s we would like. Carving and exposing gently and the reasoning behind it . I have been curious about feelings of opposites and the benefits of bringing them in. And, you explained it so beautifully. I’d love to hear more about self regulating on negative emotions. 😃 🙏 Bless your frekin’ hearts. 💓🥰💋💕💓💖❤
Thank you all for this enlightening presentation! The use of parts to address shame, understanding it as protective, and addressing it through somatic means will be part of my practice. Helping with moral injury, is so significant, and making sure my clients aren’t feeling shameful for having this normal emotion. Thank you! The presenters are my favs!
Such dynamic material and so understandable. This feels like a good part two to the earlier Advanced Treatment of Trauma course. I’m so glad you are making it available. Margaret Zander, LPC, Texas.
Thank you – wonderful information and delivered extremely well
Such a rich presentation and so much to be taken from it. Thank you. Seeing shame as an aspect of survival and safety is a new way of viewing for me and deepens my understanding.
One aspect today that really struck me was looking at the parts of the mind from an Internal Family Systems model, identifying the part that is doing the shaming and externalising this. To create distance by putting the critic in a room and then addressing the other parts first. This is something that I would not have thought of – to ask the other parts that are having strong feelings about that critic to relax and allow a conversation with the critic.
Working with the body is also something that resonates with me. I am mindful of the body movements and positions of clients but have never thought to work with them in this way. This is also something I am going to explore further for use in my practice.
😘
I have a client who survived a very abusive childhood. He is now in his 50s and never acknowledges receiving being praised for being a good worker or doing a spectacular job. I like the advice of suggesting to him to feel the warmth and calmness of the praise. I also suggest to him a script of what to say when given praise. I truly don’t think he has the words of acceptance since he was never been praised as a child and young man.
For me, it would depend. I think of what’s called ‘shame’ here as self-hate. Being a ‘good worker’ was part of my false self, split off from the authentic self, and presented to everyone as a protection. Praise for the false self doesn’t nurture my authentic self. I can hate myself both as a way of self-control (to stay out of trouble) and for the betrayal of my authentic self! I can also be genuinely ashamed (flushed, healthy shame, as some people call it) for how badly I treat myself. Rediscovering my kindness, compassion, and self-compassion has gone a long way toward healing the internal chaos.
If a script for responding to praise is what he himself wants, that sounds great. And the warmth of self-compassion may be a different thing. Feel free to share this with him if it makes sense to do that.
Utilizing the Ideas and approaches presented will help to increase levels of patience and compassion while working with clients, as well as for oneself, whether in the process of engaging professionally or socially with the community and culture at large.
I will be asking my client what happened when he was happy that caused him to need a self-protective strategy when he was little.
One of the speakers stated at one point, “reassurance can invalidate experience“. It was either the same speaker or another who also explained that the seemingly benign phrase of, “you’ve got nothing to be ashamed of“ and then articulated how that adds shame to the existing shame.
As a patient, that adding shame onto existing shame has an exponential effect rather than an additive one. I think it is extremely important that clinicians and caregivers understand this problem that can arise for patients due to their attempts to express empathy and/or alleviate the suffering of their patients.
Clearly, the drive to articulate these things comes from a good place inside the clinician, but for all the reasons stated in the webinar, it can be very destructive to the patient.
Thank you so much for pointing this out! It is a very fundamental and yet misunderstood aspect of how to express empathy to clients. The discussion around it was superb. You all were able to articulate it far more concisely than I ever could.
Most interesting session today – thank you.
Useful skills to apply in noticing and then managing the triggering of trauma when a client experiences warmth feelings – either within themselves or from the clinician. Balancing both these warmth experiences and what they trigger in the trauma they experienced is important. Helping the client to tolerate both is an important transition state. Ray Elliott
I love this because it helps me to be more compassionate to clients and in the world when I realize that shame often masquerades as attack, avoidance, and can look like “the inability to be self-aware.” I also love that we do not have to go into the story to work with the shame that comes up around traumatic experiences. I’ve worked with neurofeedback before, and I have often thought it is more re-traumatizing to talk about trauma than to process the emotions around it. Thank you for all of the wonderful information.
100% on your point about details of the trauma (from a patient’s perspective)
It’s so clear how pacing and gentle approach are crucial – this weeks session really emphasised the need for the therapist to remember that the journey is the clients and not a way of satisfying – as Bessel Van der Kolk put it ‘our voyeuristic tendencies’. How powerfully our bodies open us to our needs, our selves.
Thank you
An invaluable session with practical approaches that are insightful combined with a deep learning experience. I resonated with some of the aspects presented. Many thanks.
My biggest take away was the shame exile and the work with the inner critic alongside the body work described by Pat Ogden. So much material to choose from and I have a client who will greatly benefit from my attendance today
I really appreciated and enjoyed this. Thank you for all of the wonderful and practical to apply information. I also enjoyed the discussion and ideas surrounding talking to our different ‘parts’ and thanking them for their service.
Incredibly informative and practical. Thank you
I have really apreciated this 4th presentation on Shame. I have been practicing as a therapist for more than 30 years and some of what you have shared here is already integrated into my way of seeing reality and practicing with clients. From today’s presentations, I want to go back and study especially what relates to ‘parts’. I have a deep apprehension of encouraging further perceived splitting of/from one’s own self. On the other hand a unified lump of badness is not a workable basis for learning anything new. I also liked the suggestion that those who can see the justice in blaming themselves to some degree for screwups in their lives can get past the trauma more effectively than those who need to see themselves as eternally blameless. Accepting fault also increases agency for change.
I especially liked the words and way of expressing of Thema Bryant-Davis, Bessel Van der Kolk and Peter Levine. I often find myself left outside of the magic Circle who can make numbers work with them to tell a story and arrive at healing. this presentation erased the issues to a large extent. Many many thanks to all and I hope to drop back in. many thanks,
Edie Irwin
Tara Rokpa Therapy,
Edinburgh
“Accepting fault also increases agency for a change“. I really like how you put that.
I’m a survivor who accepted the fault for what happened. I recognize now that it was not and have been able to move beyond that feeling quite a bit. However, I have known individuals who have been through trauma similar to mine who feel a constant sense of victimization in the present – and every single one of the several people I know like this didn’t accept responsibility for what happened to them.
It’s a horrible irony: if you’re traumatized, and you don’t feel like you caused it, you’re correct. But that seems to correlate to less successful results in recovery. (I make this statement based only on things I have heard, not research I have read.)
And yet, with the inverse, if you’re traumatized and take responsibility for it – when you had absolutely no hand in it – you seem to fare better in recovery.
It all boils down to the sense of agency you stated. Thank you for making that comment because it was very thought-provoking for me and very insightful.
I think what is important is to take responsibility for your part in what happened. The perpetrator might have been 99% responsible, and your part might only have been 1%, but taking responsibility for that 1% changes everything.
Invaluable information for counselors and anyone navigating trauma. I will be practicing these techniques for shame reactions and regulation in personal and professional settings.
Thank you so mutch for this wonderfull series. I think shame is a triky and difficult emotion to work with in therapy as people said. so it is verry helpfull to listen to other experts how to proseide with it step by step. Something that I would like to keep and remember all the time, wen I work with people, is what Jannina fisher said. That in order for the client to keep feeliing safe in the process… we can say…ok see and feel what you feel now, and just stay with it… Because we therapist have the tendecy to ruch to help or tray to change a difficult felling, in a so called more ” possitive” one. Thank you again!!!
Thank you for an amazing compilation of experts! I enjoyed the diversity of approaches used to address trauma induced shame. Something that really stood out for me was the concept of Love being the mortal enemy or moral injury. I find this to be especially true when clients who are recovering from substance use disorders attend community support groups and share how the unconditional regard and warm welcome they receive is life changing for them.
I will take from this webinar the idea of “how that helps you to survive”.
And the idea of giving time for patients to become friends with positive emotions and feels safe.
Thank you!!!
I was very interested in what Bill Nash said about moral injury and the loss of ability to trust others and ‘oneself’ especially. When he described attributes of sufferers, it opened it up for me to more than firefighters, soldiers, but people who “care”, empathize, are emotionally invested and ‘take responsibility’. Those who serve a higher purpose. There were many other aha moments such as Ruth speaking about repetitive flashbacks can be a form of self harm, and the role of the body’s adrenaline and endorphins in that. Deb and other’s talking about the danger in positive feelings, and titrating. Thank you.
I think the conditions for at risk for Moral Injury are applicable to many people who are not part of military service. I can see that people who take responsibility for care of others in families would be at risk. I could see this in myself.
The last comment was very powerful. Something like,
‘I know this feeling of calm can feel dangerous in your body. Also notice that you are now safe in this environment to feel the calm’. Keep practicing this…..give as homework.
“Shame comes on line when we start to walk” Risk-taking i.e. living in the world. How to keep on repairing as parents/caring adults around children.
“Shame is associated with FEELING SAFE”. Many gold nuggets like this.
Thank you for this session.
Thanks for the moral injury as that has been the war I feel from so many of the military folks. It is so true about the failure of love caused my neuroception to surface enormously when I heard that today.
It even triggered my own “go to” response as a child, using my olfactory system to protect myself with need to smell my own skin to feel safe. Had to smell as a child which was soothing to me as an infant and continued into adulthood when in fear. Have used this need to seek safety by smelling my own skin.
Did not have safety even as an infant so I think my olfactory system must have sought this smell of my own body to feel safe.
Think I will seek out with the client their own loving “go to” response to feel safe. Help them implement what sooths them without harm, using the love mentioned here in the moral injury understanding. Peter Levine used to tell people to hug themselves but that does not work for me but maybe it will for someone else or to hold a hand. Anxious to hear what they choose that is soothing to them and the why behind it, like the smeling of my hand. My children have pictures of me doing that in grodery stores when pondering and it only arises when feeling a discomfort. Today was a real revelation as I instantly did it while watching the latest video addressing the moral injury.
Phenomenal approaches with such insight and compassion. I lead an Alchemy Study Group, with an eclectic view of wisdom. The overarching idea is “creative self-expression of our wounds is healing”. I derived a tremendous number of insights from this one-hour overview. It is plainly a healthy worthwhile constructive Program. I often see my fellow “alchemists” struggle with their ‘talent’ or felt lack thereof. I have offered a lot of reassurances that it is not the product but the process. This one-hour presentation brought a number of important insights that will help me encourage my fellow students of alchemy, without, perhaps, triggering painful emotions that come-up when they are sharing their creative work. I will be more observant of subtle clues and downplay my enthusiasm in order to mitigate the anxiety that can arise when our creative efforts are being exposed to criticism, both positive and negative (it’s always positive) and I heard something in every therapists voice which is reassuring, curious, and compassionate. Thanks for this great opportunity to learn .
I Think trying to invite a shamefull part into a separate room is worth trying out 👍😊
I think about inviting the other parts to go into a separate room so that the shameful part can be dealt with directly without having the distractors around.
I also wonder if inviting shameful part into a separate room will allow the other parts that are around it to be dealt with.
As a complex trauma survivor, this was healing, validating, and informative. Following along with these free modules has contributed to subtle shifts in my internal experience toward levels of safety and regulation that I had felt hopeless to feel again. Thank you so much for the work that you do, and for offering this program to the public and people who need it most.
Not having a technical background in therapy and learning more about myself and how to interact with life coaching clients, it is interesting to realize that shame comes from a necessary need to feel safe, to protect ourselves. Becoming healed from my own shame, I identified with many of the examples and corrective processes each of the psychologists explained. I also love to hear that it is a gradual and unique process, much like grief. I will be mindful to take it slowly, let them sit in their emotions, hold their place, allow them to become comfortable at their own pace, and make changes as needed. Thank you.
So grateful for this course as we prepare a new website for survivors of torture, victims of conflict and natural disasters.
As a team of professionals in the healing fields, we are all learning, growing and developing new ways together.
We will include the fine work of NICABM and its professionals in our bibliography.
Love & blessings for what you are doing for the common good.
Visionary Ethics Foundation/ Fundacion Etica Visionaria, Costa Rica
To hold, to creatie new goodness, to love, to spoelt get used to good feelings,streching The WoT. SEe wherry the body makes An impulse helping the body to agress the perpetrator instead of oneself
In my work with shame filled clients, I will be more cognicent of how hard it is to stay with positive feelings because of client histories of being shamed as children and how shame acts as a protector, as if they are still living with those childhood experiences. For me it is to help them appreciate the power and protective power of the shame in their histories and to work toward helping the shame filled parts to rest and heal and release whatever they may still be carrying thats not working now. I appreciate the focus on body and letting the body express the impulse.
I really appreciate the pacing and pithy teachings. Thank you so much. The biggest takeaway is the variety of approaches. It makes total sense that cognitive approaches work with some, while a somatic connection is more effective with others. I have seen clients with each. In my work with parts, which I started years before I had heard of IFS, I take an imaginative approach, personifying the parts.
Very helpful.. I hadn’t thought of sending one to another room. Seems a little scary to me.
One thing I thought was so helpful today was to hear that we don’t need to take a trauma history, at least not at first – maybe later is fine. That’s primarily for our benefit, not the client’s benefit. For me, I don’t usually pay a lot of attention to the details or worry about getting a detailed trauma history at first – I do want to respond to the patient, where they are, and I can see there are a lot of things one can do without knowing all the details. In fact, I have taken this approach, but that was helpful to me to hear this validated. Many excellent, helpful suggestions were given today, and it will take time to assimilate all of them over time. One thing I did in the past week or so was to look for books on Amazon by some of the presenters, and I am planning to read more in depth about some of these different aspects of treating trauma.
It was very helpful to be reminded to be meeting clients where they are at and that cognitive interventions might not work for our clients. Bringing in the neurological aspects, working with observable movements, bodily sensations.
One thing I take away from the module is that shame is often the exiled part of a person. The role of a therapist is to gently bring that part back into the fold of community through the use of curiosity.
I finally understand why feeling positive makes me feel unsafe. Thx!
I learn that shame is an essential part of human existence, therefore, it should not be eliminated. But the goal is to make it more adaptive. I am viewing from Nevis W.I.
Wonderful subtle, sensitive approaches to the pain and confusion of trauma
Brilliant therapists
Thank you
Always a very helpful and rich leaning. Thank you very very Much.
Marina, Psychotherapist, New York
Window of tolerance was a good surprise and learning positive emotions
Very good information. I’ll use this with pediatric patients family and friends. Most important it enriches my self care. Thank you
Moral injury was great.
Thank you very very much !!!
Everything was very interesting actually.
Thank you !!!
thanks for helping me understand myself better. <3