How to Work with Patients Whose Trauma Triggers Problems in Their Current Relationships
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with Stephen Porges, PhD;
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with Stephen Porges, PhD; Terry Real, MSW, LICSW;
Janina Fisher, PhD Richard; Schwartz, PhD; Pat Ogden, PhD; Martha Sweezy, PhD, LICSW; Bessel van der Kolk, MD; Ruth Lanius, MD, PhD; Deb Dana, LCSW; Thema Bryant-Davis, PhD; Ruth Buczynski, PhD
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this was brilliant thank you. I am trying to heal myself with what I believe is a narcissist and this has helped me understand more of my part of the relationship as I was suffered CSA which was not talked about and he come from a d violent family. makes more sense to me thank you
Truly wonderful series with so many nuggets of wisdom, thank you.
Very helpful, informative. Has opened up new ways of looking and working with my clients! Thank you so much
Thank you so much for these strategies. The break down of the cycle of fight/flight back to attachment seeking was particularly helpful, although all of the ideas were tremendously valuable. Thanks again!
Wonderful series. Thank you so much!
Thank you so much for this training! Very useful to me on both a personal and professional level.
-Alison
Thank you very much for all you did! What a generous offer….May many people benefit! ( I definitely did and already used some of your material)
I will explore with two of my clients who are making changes and one is fearful of how continued change will impact their relationship and then also the other is not aware that he is collapse/submit and Please/appease.
such a great package you put together- wonderful
Thank you. This was an excellent blend of professionals with expertise in trauma. Thank you. I will weave the new information in my work with trauma and couples work I am doing. Marsha Mathews, PsyD
Thank you so much !
Thanks a lot for your offer!
Thank you! I appreciate all I have learned.
Many thanks are not enough to express how much I am grateful to this team for sharing these webinars free. I learned so much for myself, my clients, my students and everyone/anyone I care about. So grateful🌿🙏
Most important for me – a value of conveying presence to a client… and how to help them develop the trust and compassion for themselves… through recognising the patterns and inner parts (insight), normalising and reframing them as self-preservation, then being there for them (presence) while they are reaching to their most vulnerable, shamed and hurt selves. I loved the image of a therapist reaching to a client over their isolation. Connecting with their inner parts, often the ones without a voice. Modelling compassion. It is truly a humbling work. Thank you for making your expertise accessible.
I will use the ideas and share of knowledge to add to the clinical foundation I work from. Terry Real’s and Janina Fisher’s conceptualization of the adaptive child /adolescent is sooo helpful. As I am listening, I am compulsively taking notes and saying to myself proudly “I do that”, “I say that” or, “Oh, I never thought of that, I didn’t know that” ” that is a great way to say that”, “this will be helpful for this client or that client”. The discussion about the relationship between the client and the therapist was good timing and also very helpful. Thank you. I appreciate NICABIM offering THIS level of education, summary and illustrations to the community (for the greater good).
I wish clients could have a mask/face to put on when they are acting out of their fearful wounded child, protective teen, perpetrator, dissociated/blank state, pleasing person, submit/collapsed person – rational/wise adult/Self, or the one who is triggered into shame, fight or flight! or maybe as therapists, we could offer a selection of masks or “little people”, almost like sandbox figurines so the client could select who or what part they are speaking from. I’m thinking of at least making a diagram of the possibilities, as you said, the important thing seems to be to move from client’s shame/hate/rejection of their wounds and coping strategies, to bring to awareness, to bring understanding why they did what they did (to save client’s life/sanity) and then for client to change to awareness, understanding, empathy, gratitude, cooperation, value/respect. Along with hey, these are the pitfalls, risks, setbacks you may face – almost like a Candyland Board! Ideally, the client changes from a helpless person in the other room to an active player in their game of life.
I love your idea of using actual masks. I have quite a collection and will consider it. I imagine drama therapists are quite facile with the strategy. As a somatic movement therapist we use whole body movement. For instance, in the work of Agosto Boal, Theatre of the Oppressed leaders guide a group to help enact these parts on behalf of an individual. The unconscious feelings rise up quite quickly.
Perhaps a resource to explore? I Theatre of the Oppressed involves true embodiment. With children I use puppets.
I haven’t been able to cry for months since finally accepting medication to help balance my emotions for past traumas from my youth suddenly crashing into my now 30’s. After reviewing some information on JW.ORG, I made myself begin to pray to a God, “Jehovah,” to ask for guidance and direction to find and understand why I reacted in specific ways. Immediately I fell across this program and took the chance as if it might be a starting point to something I needed. During this last session, I noticed I began to cry. It hit some points that helped me understand and forgive myself for behaviors I despised and felt disgusted to open up to anyone for years. I couldn’t understand why they repeated under times of deep loneliness or stress. Now I have some clarity.
I will use this information on my 10-year-old son, who I’m more sure now the relationship has been affected by some of my past traumas and feeling disconnected from him. I’m hoping it will cease the generational trauma from continuing.
I look forward to utilizing these strategies from other family members I am aware of affected by the same traumas and as well as understanding my students and colleagues better. Thank you for enlightening and giving me hope. Most of all, I’m thankful to my God Jehovah, who answered my prayers.
In closing, thank you so very much for this experience. This was a beautifully orchestrated and well thought out presentation that will enable me to grow in my practice. With Gratitude!
So many valuable ideas were shared today. Thank you. My take aways are how chronic please appease might create power imbalances unwittingly creating disconnection. Developing compassion and understanding for childhood roots of this defense strategy might support a coupld coming together again authentically and using formerly hidden strengths within the behavior for healing. The please/appease/collapse/submit is probably endemic in patriarchial authoritarian top down institutional settings (and hence the term “walking stiff” for suits showing up for daily grind). Military models of functioning absent more subtle skills required for collaborative flat organizational intelligence to function optimally. Foundations for whole seeing that’s generative & leads to learning, innovation and meaningful engagement within individuals, groups and organizations can be patterned in the structures within nervous system and organizations. Safety while change strategies are pursued are paramount for successful implementations.
excellent insights and observation
When assessed for trauma, most clients’ responses are no. However, I noticed a trend with clients suffering from anxiety, unable to recall specific parts of their life experiences. One client told me that whenever I would, “it’s okay.” It made him feel as if he needed to work harder. So, I am going to use this to explore and implement coping strategies
for me personally I realised that I am using these techniques to combat some of my triggers that come up with a friend. I am never sure if I would do couples work but for myself it is positive in relationship. Previous modules will help with my work as well as myself. Really appreciate you offering these free at this time as I could not afford the gold package even at reduced cost. Thankyou to all your gifted therapists and to you Ruth
Resale,s theory of wounded, adaptive child & functional adult “bring the adaptive part in B state to effectively communicate. The significance of the adaptive child part in hurting adult relationships.
The entirety of male sexual violation. Reminds me of my patient who, as a young man of color, was
viscerally shamed and raged by his childhood trauma.
Well just about everything was so impressive for my work
I’m a changed therapist thank you all very much
I truly appreciated examining the wounded, adaptive and functional child. My own personal trauma (s) happened as a 30 year old adult and then as an older adult. I am sure that many therapists have their own trauma they have experienced, so oftentimes are also looking at themselves, when learning how to best work with others. I believe that it is our responsibility to work on ourselves in order to be authentic (and even more successful) when working with others. Have you ever heard the opinion that therapists are oftentimes believed to be more of a mess than their clients? That is why I have always strived to be a work in progress. Our clients can be some of our best teachers.
Time zones and my schedule make it hard for me to access these ~BUT – today’s session was enough to help me deal with one situation where a husband is trying to walk with his wife through a recently remembered trauma from her childhood – buried for years. It is now over 2 years of his putting his life on hold for her and it feels to me as if he is currently somewhat controlled by her fragility – but helping him to notice what is happening and ask the right questions empathetically will not only give him hope but help him help her. in the long run. Thank you.
Good point to inform patients ahead of time that they may create change and evoke conflict, with partner, if they are used to submit/collapse or please/appease. The other partner may be used to a quiet agreeable partner, and if the client comes out of states of shame, fear, a need to mask and hide emotions/true feelings, self, etc, it can rock the boat. S/he can’t depend on their partner liking the changes, but that’s probably also an assumption of rejection based on their past. As therapist, you want client to have internal locus of control and make decisions based on his/her needs and wants, and yet, safety has been the strong focus of needs and wants. We are asking for so many changes, internally and externally, or rather offering the hope of the client making changes – she/he will have to decide if it’s worth it. I think the psychoeducation of both partners, of the gains, making a power balance, authenticity, surprises, novelty, risk within safety, security and belonging- all those have to be redefined, don’t they! Very helpful, as always, weaving experience, research, across multiple types of therapies and traumas, and time periods.
Found the idea that it is the teenager protector that is the problem in couple interactions more than the wounded child interesting and that this part is fearful of intimacy very enlightening. Thank you for making this material available free of charge.
I appreciated hearing how important our presence as helping professionals is, even if it’s a quiet one. I will listen with the third ear more carefully.
Ellen Simonetti, NYC
Thank you so very much for offering this program free.
At this moment I can’t afford to buy the gold package although I will think harder…. It’s just more debt. Right?!
I have learned a great deal regarding myself and insight in my daughter’s responses.
Thank you!!!!
Very good description of male sexual abuse….informative and complicated
This series was exceptionally well put together.
Its given me so many ideas regarding my approach to clients, whether or not they are known trauma survivors.
Taking things to a clients unique physical responses as a place to start will really help I think.
Thank you!
I appreciated hearing how important our presence as helping professionals is, even if it’s a quiet one.
Ellen Simonetti, NYC
Thank you for your generosity in sharing your collective expertise…for me today the whole understanding of the role of the adaptive child in relationships was absolutely key for 2 clients who struggle with being triggered often by others…so grateful.
My deep gratitude for allowing an non-practioner/”another field” to learn so much for FREE! It helps me. And, therefore, helps me to help others so that they may help their community. This all is a powerful toolbox for helping marginalized folks and communities to learn, heal, unite and rise – together as healthier citizens. Thank you ALL so very much. Blessings.
I cannot wait for your next Free session – please 🙂
Adds dimension to my trauma informed education
Thank you very much again! NICAMB is truly unique. It’s revolutionary, and the work you are doing is reaching many and creating big change.
Thanks very much. I am not a practitioner myself; but I use and spread the ideas I pick up here for / with myself and my friends and the people around me.
Alexandra Oppo
Thank you for offering this training.
So very helpful
Hello, I have really enjoyed this series and found it extremely helpful in understanding my own behaviours and the dynamics that I have experienced in my (long series of failed) relationships. I am a lay person rather than a practitioner and am wondering whether you have any lists of therapists who are affiliated with this programme or trained in the type of approaches that your speakers talk about? I am based in the UK.
Many thanks,
Caroline
Same for me — I haven’t seen all, but what I see (e.g. module 5 today) helps me a lot to learn about myself, my behaviours and relationships ..
I am also very interested in therapists and/or coaches trained in a way/ method/ psychological school related to NICABM material and approches.
I’m based in Germany, but also very close to the Netherlands and Belgium. (And German, Spanish or English are possible languages for me.)
Thank you a lot in advance
Chris
With my own trauma and the youth I work with and their traumas
Thank you so much, this series has been so informative and helpful
Such helpful content! Thank you so very much!
Amazing. All are so amazing. Very soothing to my wounded parts.
I wasn’t planning to purchase the Gold Package as I really can’t afford it, but after watching Module 5 – it was groundbreaking for me in my practice. This training has truly made a difference in my ability to be the best for my clients. Thank you.
I work with a client who is steeped in trauma and this program lit up so many aha moments for me. Thank you, thank you, thank you.,
The day after the last session, I had a session with a client experiencing relationship problems. She had quite traumatic experiences as a child. What I learned was immediately useful.She recognised and found it helpful to have recognised the wounded child and the adaptive child parts of herself. This concept helped her make sense of her tendency to close down, back off at the slightest provocation when getting to know new people. She felt good when her ‘adaptive child’ was offered sincere thanks for protecting her ‘wounded child’. Initially she agreed to notice which part of herself she was acting from so that, hopefully, this increased awareness would give her choices that she had not had previously.
It has been a joy and a privilege to hear your team offer such a range of enlightening ideas with compassion and insight. Immediately applicable in therapy.. Thank you so much!
I have appreciated the trauma series so much. Never have I been so aware of the impact of unexamined trauma on our lives, as I am now. So important for us as individual adults, in partner relationships, as parents, and in all stages of life and relationships. As Ruth said, our processing the trauma in our lives “can change the world.”
Mary J. Dean, DMin., LMFT
Carrollton, GA 30117
Thank you so much! I have found this course really useful and thought provoking. As a Transactional Analysis practitioner, it has been really interesting to see how I can include the therapeutic approaches presented into my work.
Thank you so much for offering this program it has definitely had an impact on my practice. It has also given me a lot of confidence in some of the techniques that I am already using. I feel that after today’s session I will be more confident in using the wounded child, adaptive child and functional adult with my clients. It has also given me a deeper insight into the ways to assess and work with men who have experienced early sexual abuse. Once again, thank you for these most valuable sessions.
This was excellent. Very well done! I liked the concept of invisible bone bruises created when parts are exiled and when triggered, the other parts impulsively try to control the pain. I also enjoyed the reminder that the Therapist’s genuine presence can have very powerful effects on a Client’s healing. There was so much really good information packed into this one-hour session. Thank you very much!
So excellent as always. Really is new to me to think about “Couples Work” and how to bounce each person off of eachother. Reminders all: Implicit memory versus stated story: i think it is the sensorimotor work that is most interesting right now~! Love your putting into action how to work with Dissociation which has been a specialty of mine for years as a social worker, intuitively, but only accidentally discovering what works for the person. I love the idea of literally encouraging the partner how to help the other to ground, and vice versa, as no one knows a person’s flight into dissociation more than an intimate partner. …And then also, how excellent excellent discussion of intimacy and whys and hows of its difficulty! Thank you for all. Always. Have signed up for the Gold.