How to Ease the Pain of Trauma-Induced Shame
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with Bessel van der Kolk, MD;
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with Bessel van der Kolk, MD; Ruth Lanius, MD, PhD; Peter Levine, PhD; Thema Bryant-Davis, PhD; Richard Schwartz, PhD; Pat Ogden, PhD; Janina Fisher, PhD; Kathy Steele, MN, CS; Stephen Porges, PhD; Martha Sweezy, PhD, LICSW; Deb Dana, LCSW; Ruth Buczynski, PhD
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Thank you so much for the amazing course! Like many others, I signed up for my own self-healing, as am not a practitioner and have been blown away week after week, with so many a-has and a strong sense of recognition of things which I previously didn’t have words for. One of my biggest new practices came from this week. That is taking the critical voice off by itself into a room for a pep talk. It’s amazing how during the chats over these past 10 days, I learn how its intentions are actually very pure and that we always manage to negotiate a more loving way forwards. Thank you deeply Ruth – and your high calibre faculty – for putting this course together. I mentioned this in my course feedback survey and will flag it up again here. It would be tremendously helpful to have details of professional trauma organisations to go through to find practitioners well-versed in the methods covered in the course – as I very much want to find someone to work with so that (to quote you) this “doesn’t have to be a life sentence”. If there is a ‘one-size fits all’ online course you could make for us in the future, that would also be fantastic.
I have thought about my question posted here earlier, on ‘being seen’ I googled lots again and still found nothing.
What I feel after reflecting today, is that it is not the core issue, it is a response layered over deeper issues, it’s a protective coping mechanism.
The core issue includes shame, but fundamentally I feel it is about ‘not being safe’ – not being with ‘safe people’ or in ‘safe environments’.
In a background of abuse, to be seen, is a highly problematic experience, usually with consequences of danger, pain, shaming.
And having NO power to keep others away…..to disappear or be somehow invisible, is the power we dream of.
If the context were safe, loving.. I’m pretty sure the fear of being seen would reduce dramatically.
I’m sick of it being categorized as being neurotic and worrying too much about ‘what others think’, by people who don’t understand what a real lack of safety or real danger is.
I just want to offer this, as it has been extremely frustrating to experience zero insight from others into this often debilitating problem, so for what it’s worth, I’m just offering mine.
(I have not studied psychology so I’m using terms as a lay person)
I have been baffled by anxiety that is caused by being observed or watched, being seen by others, particularly in arousing situations such as job interviews and being able to be monitored.
Bingo… Shame. It seems so obvious now. Not wanting to be seen, to hide perceived deficiencies in shame, amplified by the watcher.
Thank you for providing access to such an amazing series.
Of course I know that we are not ‘fixers’, so I still like the reinforcement that we can assist and encourage with the idea of ‘holding’ the trauma, as the client validates their experience and holds it, keeps it close, with our support, but doesn’t deny, fight or try to ‘fix’, what is the past. A lovely idea. Thank you so much.
This is not to seek advice, rather sharing my experience and realization today. I have been studying dissociation, deadness, psychosis since the past 4 years, precisely because i found my own struggle in there. I havent started practice yet, cause for so long i have felt that i am unfit to undertake this work, and just couldn’t figure out a figureoutable problem. today i did.
There was a line, i cant see it now. It used to be between being shy, and being ashamed…when did i cross it? Where is it? I find myself in shame, and that is th reason when i step out of myself with it, still feels wrong. Everything feels wrong. Just plain wrong. All the more trying to punish (flashbacks and rumination as self punishment really makes sense), clean, avoid, abandon, stretching myself beyond limits pleasing people…to set things right, but they cant be done…it is shame which is overbearing, everpresent. It makes me feel like there is no chance. This feeling of i am not myself, everything is fake, wrong, cant do it right, thus always guilty, too much caring about how im seen, this is shame and fear of shame, and pain of disconnection. Authenticity, hope, courage, comfort, where is it? In me. If i can just cross back the line, back into shyness……..from being an outcaste to being home in myself, with myself.
i understand that shame is the problem, not in the sense that i have to wipe off this from the slate altogether, but thats where im stuck. thats what needs to move, to work as part of a healthy self system. instead of making myself small, i can try to make this shame small, contained. i will find healing for this, in a relationship, and when it is not the state that rules me, but a part of my emotional repertoire, is when i will consider myself ready to work as a psychotherapist.
Thanks.
Wow! That was so amazing! My head is spinning a bit, but I don’t have a single client who will not benefit from today’s teaching.
I just can’t – yet! – afford all the expensive trainings by amazing people. (I do appreciate Pat Ogden’s way of pricing, I must say!) The certifications I want are thousands of dollars! In the meantime I feel badly, guilty I know there are things I don’t know that can relieve my client’s suffering. I refer out when ethical, I study on my own, but colleagues, the way our profession is currently set up is a sad situation. I suspect there are so many trainers, workshops, certifications, private practice coaches, financial coaches for therapists, etc. etc. because the system just ain’t working. According to a CAMFT study a few years ago, the majority of LMFT’s can’t fully support themselves in their profession except for those who have been at it fpr 30 + years.
To see the these therapy gurus continuing to working together for the GG today makes my heart soar. With the ripple effect, that translates to a real impact on suffering. I applaud all involved for trying – and succeeding – to find creative and practical ways to disseminate healing practices to as many healers as possible.
The Gold Package is not in my budget I am buying it anyway to support your efforts. And because it’s damn good stuff!
Deep gratitude and kudos to all!
Michelle R. Kobayashi
East Hollywood, CA
Thanks for a great session. I really appreciated the lady who explained how supportive cognitive interventions can make the patient feel shamed. That is my experience. Also phrases like ‘it’s not your fault’ can backfire.., many childhood trauma victims in particular don’t consciously think that, they are just living it out unconsciously.
I would love to be directed to more information on shame. Especially ‘not wanting to be seen’ as Van Der Kolk mentions.
I personally have done a lot of trauma therapy and it has been profoundly helpful. But ‘not wanting to be visible’ is still a debilitating issue and I find very little information on it.
Descriptions I’ve come across are often momentary or mild examples, not life-shaping. There must be many trauma victims really struggling with this.
It’s often invalidated in general terms, as if it were ‘shyness’ when it is in fact a powerful trauma induced response. But how to survive in the world, have a career..and not be seen? It’s practically impossible. So it feels like constant retraumatization.
PS I’m adding this here to give I hope ..useful feedback.. rather than seeking personal help.
I just feel it’s an under-explored area, that would benefit from more examples and insight. Thank-you
Thank you so much for saying this, it’s exactly how I feel! Being famous (puke!), known in my profession or making one of those YouTube videos is the last thing on earth I would EVER want to do.
I hope someone replies to your request!
I managed to catch this twice but missed the last 15 mins both times! However I learned sooo much. I plan to a) teach my client about polyvagal theory and b) use parts language more and with more confidence to help my clients separate out the shame part as the protector and survivor rather than seeing shame as their whole self. Took heaps of notes.
Thank you for this fabulous webinar. I missed the first 3 webinars so hopefully I will catch the last one. Cheers.
This session on shame was superb. I can think of several clients where I can use the ideas presented to help them, one particular client I am working with was that loud child at school who was shamed into not having a voice – helping her to build capacity at the edges of the W of T was a great take away as she finds it hard to feel exuberant joy, that wasn’t allowed.I have found asking clients what ‘gift’ the part has brought to their life is another way of helping them gain perspective and see the positive intention of the part back then. Janina Fishers gentle way of asking, “how did that help you survive?” will be added into this question now. I loved her comment, “it was genius.” My client’s amaze and inspire me every day.
Again, if I weren’t retired, I would be getting that package!
Mostly, I am watching these for help w my own trauma. As an Adult Child, shame is a big issue, so I look forward to going over my notes more slowly, and finding ways to help myself. Thank you!! Rev. Lisa Lancaster, Hilton NY
So appreciate all of this important information; both for myself, my family and those I help.
I bought 2 previous courses; how can I find them to claim my CME credits for my Medical licenses for 2020?
Thank you so much!!!
Sincerely yours,
Dr. Floriane Wu
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I am so pleased to be able to learn from the experts on your panel. Access to the information has really improved my skills as a practitioner. Thank you for providing this amazing service.
I work as a Rosenmethod bodywork practitioner in Denmark and I am also a nurse. So this lesson today was very interesting. I can use everything there have been sharred.
For me personal shame has been a speciel feeling. Only a few years ago I found out what shame felt like. It has been so big part of me and my story, that I did not see it. And I know most of the things that have been adressed here.
And the moral injury stuff was so interesting. I lot of the reason why I do not work as a nurse anymore. It was to difficult to be there with my empatic side and also be in the sympatic arousel all the time. I worked in a hospice for 7 years. And today people do not come to die, offen they still come to be safed, and you cannot. And you feel incompetend.
Thank you for a wonderful opportunity to refresh the wisdom shared by a number of the presenters whose trainings I have attended in the past and whose contributions I am implementing even more now during the pandemic. Today’s focus on shame applications was outstanding.
Thank you for a wonderful opportunity to refresh the wisdom shared by a number of the presenters whose trainings I have attended in the past and whose contributions I am implementing even more now during the pandemic. Today’s focus on shame applications was outstanding.
Thank you so much for allowing me to participate in this trauma webinar series. I have recently experienced a personal trauma and the webinars help me to better understand what is happening to myself now and how past experiences have added to my responses, the webinars further support my own therapy and healing process. I work with young people and as a result of the webinars I can see/understand better the issues of those I know and come in contact with and hopefully better recognize what they also may be facing. Being able to direct them to qualified support faster as well as be a better support person myself is so valuable. It has left me with a wealth of things to think about and the great work you all do. I have shared with therapists I am seeing. Thank you to all of you for this wealth of information.
Thank you for making this available. As a Nurse the part about Moral Injury really hit home. It seems to me that this is a aspect that deserves much more attention as it might just show up as overwhelm or exhaustion.
This label eases the freeze up of not being able to go on anymore and the accompanying guilt. I do hope to find more education and information on this. I learned so much from this particular Webinar, at the very least it will have raised awareness of how we cope when life is just to much. Thanks again.
I am working with a client who suffered a horrific motorcycle accident at age 17. He is now 45 and suffers horrific migraines. These have improved as he has been able to tell his story, but I felt that there was more to this. I could feel his shame, anger and embarrassment at his disfigured and ‘useless arm’ (the right side of his body, especially his arm took the full force of the accident and is very disabled)It represents everything about the impact the accident has had on his life. I have been considering working with ‘the arm’. This session has really helped me with knowing how to help my client identify his feelings of shame and embarrassment and how to get him to question in a gentle way how shame is serving him now and how/why it came about.
I am so excited to be able to bring this to session.
Thank you.
The mortal enemy of moral injury is LOVE!
As an OT working with veterans with complex trauma, I really appreciate this statement. I am at high risk for moral injury myself, but knowing that I am working with others (clients) who care, and take responsibility, creates such incredible potential for the healing moments in relationship……………..and I have experienced these, and it brings me joy and gratitude, that help me keep going when my own nervous system is struggling!
Thanks so much for these sessions……they are helping me so much!
Callee Soltys
One of the many key learning points for me was the mention of repeated flashbacks being a form of self-harm. Also liked the analogy of the ‘road map’ to divert, reduce, and come back from incidences of self-harm rather than try to stop them. I will feel more entooled to explore feelings of shame with clients and support them with this very common impact of ACEs. Great session, thank you.
A truly excellent series. So well presented and such valuable information. This is the only webinar that I have ever attended that I have felt respected as a viewer and felt a genuine desire to share knowledge to empower patients and therapists to create better lives.
Utilizing a Somatic Approach when dealing with Shame based Trauma by Noticing, Observing, and Witness- sing your clients Facial Expressions, Vocal Tone, and Body Posture. Furthermore, having them Notice, Ob- serve, and Witness their own internal processes. Ron Klein, PhD/ABPP/Psychologist
with 2 clients in particular, be more aware of titrating their feeling good with their discomfort of those feelings. Consider more somatic interventions – harder to notice when on video and can’t see all of client’s body
Such wonderful information and so well done! Thank you SO much
‘It wasn’t your fault’ is such a go-to intervention, but often it just obviously isn’t being heard. As with prolonged grief, I think sometimes holding firmly on to the feelings of self blame and failure enables a person to stay with the lost person, or lost sense of oneself as a good person, avoiding the pain of leaving that behind, or accepting there is no possibility that it can ever be put right.
I attended a workshop once that looked at the use of atonement. This was in forensic settings, where you had done harm and hurt people. Although we are so much about helping people feel good about themselves, I think this could be part of addressing moral injury where you have been part of a damaging process or situation, and being told you are not to blame hasn’t helped.
I am a grandmother and a former schoolteacher with a Masters in Curriculum Development and Reading…and abuse survivor. Your research is an incredible breakthrough for myself, family, loved ones and former students. I was amazed that just holding someone’s hand and listening can transcend barriers of brokenness; changing the inner child’s voice from victim to victorious. Also, mentioning pushing away and recognizing the voice of the person that had initiated the damage is so easily applied for those who cannot or will not be able to see a therapist. Emphasizing the ripple effect will keep people in therapy for the sake of others, even when they don’t have the strength to carry on for themselves. Thank you so much for freely sharing your valuable time and research. Truly world changing and crosses all cultures and religions. I am grateful.
I’ve had a client who as an oldest daughter, seems to feel the accute moral injury described here, that she had the responsibility to “save”/protect her younger sisters. We’ve been reading the Alchemy of Wolves and Sheep, and it seems to be true that she can’t undo or fix the past damage. I also notice that because this happened as a child, her cognitive beliefs that she is bad and can’t trust anyone, make it difficult for her to trust that a relationship with others is capable of holding the trauma with someone, even a therapist. And because she sees herself as bad, she doesn’t accept that others’ acceptance of her makes any difference, nor does doing good, kind things, nor having her adult self comfort or reason with her younger self who failed to protect. That she herself was also abused seems irrelevant to her. This is a challenging client- mostly I let her talk out the contradictions and feel whatever emotions arise with them. This webinar described the impact of the shame better than anything I’ve seen. I’ll keep applying what I’ve learned. Has anyone else dealt with this juxtaposition of child developmental trauma with the child’s experience of committing moral injury?
Yes. I was one. I witnessed my baby sister’s death when I was six or seven, and I was to be blamed. Adults blamed me, too, so I took the responsibility. It was a violent death, and she suffered greatly. I could not accept kindness from other people because I felt badly about myself, unacceptable and undeserving of kindness and felt that if people really knew me and what I had to do to survive. The way I overcame it was by working on self-compassion skills and loving-kindness meditations. Self-compassion skills work was the missing ingredient for me for sure.
Shame as a protective mechanism and as a part of our human repertoire were most welcome affirmations. As therapists we also need to be conscious of our own shame and how this interacts with our clients’ experiences. Great session
I’ve watched this module twice so far and plan to watch a third time…
I’m blown away by the depth of understanding (of shame) in this module. I am in the “other” category (Holistic Health professional, in between practices) AND a person recovering from Complex PTSD from attachment trauma; trans-generational trauma that cropped up in the body these past 4 years, and and many incidences of trauma from crimes and narcissistic abuse in adult relationships.
In my 23 year practice as well as sitting in 1000’s of hours of personal growth retreats, 12 Step programs of all varieties (especially the latest, “Underearner’s Anonymous” these insights are dead-on accurate. this explains SO many behaviors I and my counterparts/clients have that are very insidious and “hidden in origin”.
I am so grateful to Ruth and her team for these EXCELLENT presentations that are very well organized, feature the best and brightest in the field, and most of all, for Ruth’s vision of impacting the WORLD with this knowledge and healing strategies.
Thank you formodul 4! I wil use the chairs for dialogs between the inner war – to make connection and not disconnection. Investigating how shame took care of you