How to Ease the Pain of Trauma-Induced Shame
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with Bessel van der Kolk, MD;
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with Bessel van der Kolk, MD; Ruth Lanius, MD, PhD; Peter Levine, PhD; Thema Bryant-Davis, PhD; Richard Schwartz, PhD; Pat Ogden, PhD; Janina Fisher, PhD; Kathy Steele, MN, CS; Stephen Porges, PhD; Martha Sweezy, PhD, LICSW; Deb Dana, LCSW; Ruth Buczynski, PhD
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I am so appreciative of these sessions. I am working as a therapsit in a UK primary school where increasingly I am aware of the childrens experinces of trauma,shame,attachment complications and behavious,triggering of wired defence mechanism and daily attacks on the CNS, as they navigate their way through their education.The staff are open to help, support, direction, strategies and ideas to help their chidlren they teach.I feel my learning from these sessions will enable me to find ways to support the team to begin to have a deeper understanding of what works, and why, their understanding of why how and when they react as they do to certain children and situations, what they can do about it,to be patient, understanding and also ask for help themselves when they need it to help tune into the relationship they have with their children, to checkout their own NS and use that to journey through the challenging times with a deeper informed understanding of what, when, why and how.Working together to assit inner healing of all.
I am loving the sessions thankyou.
First, thank you. I found it very interesting. I am not sure how I will integrate it in my meetings, but I usually do not touch clients at all, and was impressed by holding the client’s hand and sharing the moment, just being together. I am not sure I will do it, but it is food for thought. I too agree with the gradual pacing and constantly have to tell myself to slow down. I also strongly identify with the idea that we are all connected and when we help a client, we are helping and changing all his relationships and everybody he comes in contact with and that it is a ripple effect (affect too). I use art therapy and pictures to get at and touch, be in contact with the fragmented selves and was very interested in the mentioning of fragmented selves and also use and will use more of the recognizing that these negative and aggressive fragmented selves are vital and were vital in helping the individual survive.
I always stress and will stress more that there is a reason for every symptom, and in therapy we are on a discovery mission
to find reasons, accept them, feel them, understand them and look for better acceptable options.
This teaching came at a perfect time for use with my patients. I have been using Holographic Memory Resolution to help patients with developmental trauma. For the first time in 15 years, I have had a patient tell me that the trauma release felt too fast. In fact, 2 patients expressed that this month. I think that is because of the current bombardment of new traumas this month with Covid and the election. My patients and I will certainly benefit as I use the tools you taught today of tuning into their nervous systems more frequently, noticing body movements, and asking how they are feeling periodically instead of just soothing myself by being proud of how many traumatic events we can reframe in a single session with HMR. As an aside, I have noticed that, when we tune into the body with HMR to ask the body which event it wants to release first, shame is usually the first released. I describe it as the heavy blanket covering the other emotions. We can rarely get to empowering anger or other emptions until we have dealt with the shame. Thank you for an important teaching.
I work on the phone (from home during this Pandemic) as a Mental Health Nurse conducting Intake sessions and ‘walk-in’ (which is now call-in) – for Brief Action Planning.
This session was helpful to help further inform my interactions with callers on the phone and also nudge me along in my own shame work. Hearing the piece about treating moral injury with creating new positive experiences reminded me as well about the ‘Befriending Yourself’ program by Matt Lacata and Jeff Foster. The idea of being present now, (a simple 5 seconds) in a single paused moment to experience [‘love’], with whatever is there seems to resonate with creating these new positive experiences. Helping callers with this breath is all I can offer sometimes and then book an Intake for other service matching and referral to a therapist. So, thank you so much for this series and for the work you all do.
Just a thought on self harming, physical traumas etc.
I have not experienced such things having a soothing effect (coming from the body chemicals) at all, just pain. The pattern I have seen though is that repeated traumas have to do with the body trying to direct back to it its dissociated parts, reminding them of its existence, placing back their focus on the body because it is there the healing must take place.
Thank you so much for your work!
Today was reallly meaningful to be aware of how positive emotions or experiences could trigger the traumatized person and help on how to handle with it was really important. Thank you so much indeed for all waht you do NICABM!
Thank you so much for this incredible, professional, and super valuable course. Thank you for making it free for everyone.
I loved everything about it, very interesting to see the different approaches that can be used with a client/patient who is experiencing shame.
Thank you for all the illuminating descriptions of the connections between trauma and self-harm. As well, your descriptions of the subtle distinctions between self-harm and suicidal gestures. My question: Have you seen anyone who compulsively masturbated as a way to self-protect even when they were shamed and repeatedly punished?
Thank you.
Esther
I found this one (on shame) the best yet, so many eye-opening moments… how shame draws us to emotionally unavailable people (safe, won’t be wholly seen for what we are)… placing the inner critic in a room by itself, away from client’s dislike of it, and having a conversation with it – to get to its protective motives – I love this as an experiential exercise away from ‘explaining’ this function… and helping the critic do that job ‘better’… and working with body gestures – pushing abuser away, this strikes me as so empowering. And I totally agree with Bessel’s pointer, not to dive into finding out about the details of the trauma in a hurry – I’ve done lots of good work with a client recently without putting any pressure on her to tell, and now slowly bits start to be possible for her to talk about very helpfully. Thanks so much, this is a wonderful course.
To Normalise that the client finds it difficult to savour pleasure. That it is ok and they can Eventually feel safe in that positive Emotion again. To do good things and feel a positive sense of self
I appreciated working with the different parts in dealing with Shame, and seeing it not as the entire self, but as part self. Thank you all for the discussion. It was building, insightful, and compassionate.
Mimi Dickman, Israel
Now I understand more clearly what it is like to enlarge the tolerance window to facilitate the client’s access to positive emotions, the importance of titrating these experiences. Thank you very much!
I loved the concept of “New Goodness” for healing.
Personally I think there is a huge vacuum in society for people, especially men, to get healthy ethical forms of touch and physical closeness outside of a committed long term relationship.
I know there were often times when I thought a warm non sexual hug from my past therapist would have done 10x more good then just talk therapy though it was helpful too.
I think I need to slow down in sessions,not feel I have to fix the client,take away the suffering.This need of mine is blocking me really knowing the meaning of the client’s experiences and how their parts have protected them.
Holding space for the fact that sometimes the nervous system of a patient is not used to feeling a positive emotion and feeling good sometimes makes the patient feel unsafe, almost felt like a real revelation to me today. Using skill-full gradual pacing through the window of tolerance is what I am going to apply on my techniques.
These lessons have been so amazing. Thank you so much for offering this. I am a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Coach and I have used guided meditation for years to help myself and others. It is so exciting to understand why it works so well as I listened to all the training today. I have a better understanding of parts work and creating good in spite of the bad that’s happened. So many good things. Thanks again!
This has given me a greater understanding of the “moral injury” experienced by my client, a paramedic, and a different way I may be able to help him. Thank you so much for today’s session.
I had 2 clients instantly pop to mind regarding self-harm as repetitive flash back to a string of past events which and moral injury, in a way I hadn’t recognised. I’ve been concerned I was being unhelpful despite our great rapport and now feel equipped with some perspectives and strategies to try supporting them.
Thank you for this. My wondering is around everyday trauma. It seems some of us are more sensitive and can get traumatized by what other’s would call ‘little things’. Is there a case for ‘we all get traumatized in some way in this life’. I don’t think I have met anyone who isn’t on a spectrum of having exiles, managements systems, and fire fighters. Thank you.
I feel like someone turned on the lights and finally I can see (fragments) of myself! Thank you for being so generous and compassionate. You made me feel seen , like I am almost real (some parts of me)
Thanks for the training, the kindness and the care you show for the people.
Very useful and helps reflect on our practice!
you have confirmed some of my experiences that I have discovered but it is so good to have my version verified thank you I wish I could afford to buy this but unable to so thank you I can feel happy about giving my lived experiences to others with confidence and therefore helping other survivors of childhood sex abuse
might be useful to include alternatives to observing/responding to body cues (of patient) during COVID-induced teletherapy. Can certainly see facial expression changes but will most likely miss many other bodily responses of patients.
In my field shame is often a very real factor
and I found love being the enemy or moral injury very helpful
Thanks much
Elaine
I found the advice about titrating exposure to positive emotion really useful as I have had situations when trying to resource a client has been triggering.
The insight in to the adrenaline and endorphins that self-harm(of any kind) is an escape by paradoxically hating and harming the part that you hate was a breakthrough
I use IFS with the children I work with and have found that getting the shamed part to engage with the other parts is so effective. Once they can talk to each other, the shamed part can find it is loved after all.
That moral injury was defeated by love, and the sensibility required to turn stories of clients all the way around were the two principles that I take not only for my work but for my relationships in general. The protecting face of shame will certainly by well taken by clients because they do search one way to read themselves in a different manner. Thank you all!
Vacillating between guilt, shame and blame are the states our patients need help to regulate and navigate. I believe underneath shame is Unchecked, Deeply buried Rage ( almost Murderous) of an abandoned and or Violated child .These wonderful theories help explain it and make sense of very labile and at times dangerous situations that patients feel stuck in and are having great difficulties negotiating
I am greatly benefited by the wonderful skills of Experts Nicabm has gathered together in Module 4, that they are so generously willing to share with us .
Learning is so delightful.
I thank you with all my heart and gratitude.
Ah, you make a wise connection between shame and rage. I have also noticed this and think shame is inward-turned rage. If you allow it full expression it directs harm to the self. Yes, Learning is delightful 🙂
julia, I am doing self therapy as well as helping to understand those traumatised who I meet. Shame has been a real eye-opener for me and has brought an understanding to me of somebody who had a very big reaction triggered with Shame today. There is lots to process and learn in this part 4 however a take away has been watching somatic respnses, how cognitive words can backfire and using how parts can help other parts. I hope this work is taken up by mainstream so really useful and profound.
I thoroughly enjoyed the content of this webinar and will use many aspects of the discussion.
I particularly liked the focus on how difficult clients who have experienced trauma and shame may have difficulty accepting positive affirmations and how the use of skillful gradual pacing, along with checking in with the patients nervous system, can aid the therapeutic work. Thank you for this opportunity.
Love your critic! She is just trying to help a wounded, shamed, traumatized part. Wonderful to hear from Martha Sweezy and Dick Schwartz on the IFS model of extending curiosity, connection, compassion, relief, and hope. It works time after time.
I really enjoyed the session. I found it really interesting and informative. I liked the piece about what not to say to the client. Another part which I found fascinating was the moral injury. Although working remotely I can use a lot of suggestions like breathing with the client and looking at my nervous system as well as the clients.
Thank you.
As a late identified, adult autistic, I also help others who are late identified. Many of us have PTSD and shame is a big part of the equation. Some of the largest shame points however, are more closely related to the unmasking journey we seek to take as late identified autistics. There is shame from how our physical expressions and social interactions are responded to in neurotypical society. Addressing this shame and using this new information to bring about new awareness will be critical to assisting others and myself find the authentic autistic person we know we are but have not yet uncovered. Thank you for such a beautiful course which will indeed touch the world.
Superb hour of quality information regarding trauma and shame, free of charge. Would recommend. Can’t comment on the gold package.
Really enjoy the section on moral injury and indicating that the solution is love and creating new goodness. I also love the point about toxic recoveryism and the importance of people not taking on responsibility and ‘forgiving’ themselves for things they weren’t responsible for! The examples of working with someone who has a hard time with positive emotions were fabulous.
That was excellent! I learned so much. A few different clients come to mind. I just had a client this week who couldn’t handle positive emotions and it overwhelmed her. I will certainly try to go more slowly and check in with her nervous system. I’m glad to think about the suicide safety plan and look at it from their client’s perspective. There was so much information and a lot to absorb. Thank you!
I agree with all your points. The suicide safety plan approach shift was enlightening. As a person who is late identified autistic and having this as a very large part of the community in which I serve, it is invaluable knowledge and perspective. The positive emotion overwhelm is so very strong in our community and there are many who reject it and denounce any positivity because it is experienced in the autistic body as overwhelming fear, although subconsciously.
This helped me understand the difference between how shame is internalised, especially with references to moral injury. Thank you so much.
Thank you so much for offering this at no cost. It is extremely helpful as shame is so at the core of many things. I do not see the name Dr. Bill Nash as listed in the people who presented this. Yet his name was mentioned with “moral injury.” I work with clients who have deep regret over an abortion as it was so not in line with who they are. Does Dr. Nash have other videos or ever address shame and abortion. As Dr. Van der Kolk pointed out- who the woman was when she had the abortion and who she is now is 2 different people. And often it was for her survival that she did this.
Excellent scenario to illustrate holding shame about a past part of yourself doing a job!
I can’t thank you enough for these sessions which I’m enjoying as a free share, so kindly by you. If there was any way that I was able to afford to sign up for Gold Membership I would.
Firstly I”m using this information for myself and explaining my own behaviours to my adult children – and then I see a way of using this information (along with other psychotherapeutic study) to assist clients. I would never have imagined that I’d personally gain from these lessons -but they are confronting me with truths I”m seemingly finally able to cope with.
Thank you again and again.
I appreciate hearing from such skilled therapists. This program is helping me to consider many possibilities when working with my clients.
It’s very helpful learning how shame can manifest so subtly and how an encouraging response (e.g. you don’t need to feel shame) can negatively impact the client. Hearing the perspectives of different leaders in the field is very instructive. Great stuff!
I really enjoyed learning more about the function of shame, and it’s protective mechanism. Thank you for a great session.
I found today’s session very insightful as shame is very complex and the ways that the experts advised helping a trauma client with shame was very illuminating. Thank you!
Thank you so much for these trainings. I am not a therapist. I am a teacher that works with students with Emotional Behavioral Disorders. So much of what you are sharing helps me to better understand my students, many of who have experienced trauma. I am thinking of ways to share this information with other teachers. It is all so valuable.
I am really enjoying these sessions! Thank you. I have missed a couple of live sessions, but am glad I purchased the gold package so I can watch on my own schedule.
Helpful to hear so many aspects of shame, how it manifests and can be ‘held’ and re-framed in these ways.
The issue of shame as a protector .Looking at shame from another perspective and embracing shame in a different way.
Wondering if thought rumination is a form of self harm?
I appreciate you wondering this, as I was wondering the same thing!
And OCD symptoms as shame/self-harm responses.
This is a good question that crossed my mind as well; and I have a client who does just that regularly.
Will someone from the presenting team be able to respond?
Thank you,
Cathy , LCSW, NJ
Thank you for a wonderful session! Lots of aha moments and things to think about. What interested me is possibly a cultural difference: my trauma clients who are Indian are far more likely to agree and identify with the inner critic than resent or push it away. Would love to hear thoughts around this, because my challenge is then to help them separate from the inner critic enough in order to listen to it and feel their feelings towards it.
Hi Gayatri, I completely agree with you. I practice in India as well, I think our whole culture is based in shame and Guilt. Not to mention how honor is an important part of a family’s living. It becomes very challenging for clients to be compassionate to their inner critic, most clients almost venerate that part since it helps them in so many ways. I would love to discuss this with you further. Would you be open to connecting over email? My id is – instrength12@gmail.com – Devika Kapoor, Counseling Psychologist, TISS 2017.