Treating the Scars of Abandonment: How to Work with the Enduring Impact
with Bessel van der Kolk, MD; Janina Fisher, PhD; Karlen Lyons-Ruth, PhD; Ruth Lanius, MD, PhD; Martin Teicher, MD, PhD; Pat Ogden, PhD; Usha Tummala-Narra, PhD; Eboni Webb, PsyD; Martin Bohus, PhD; Megan Schmidt, PsyD; Ruth Buczynski, PhD
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Thank you, thank you, thank you! Inspiring and so well put together.
Wonderful program!!!
Thank you so much for this presentation that is well organized so that the information is clear and can be integrated easily.
That is what is special about your organization… learning and then applying what is learned. The speakers’ descriptions or demonstrations of their interactions with clients is so helpful.
The descriptions and demonstrations of their interactions with clients are so helpful. Had to correct my grammar. Was not able to edit after posting.
I found the session very enlightening and validating, in light of my own personal recovery from Complex PTSD caused by prolonged childhood trauma. I’m an Internal Medicine physician (with an additional year of Psychiatry residency in the midst) and have international experIence in the non-profit arena as well. I’ve read Dr. Van der Kolk’s book, among others on CPTSD, and have been greatly benefited through the resources of the CPTSD Foundation along with many years of therapeutic & spiritual counseling, etc. Because of my recovery, I wish to play a role in Trauma-Informed Care. I’m just beginning to formulate what T-I-C might look like for me; so I was very pleased with each speaker’s presentation. Since people with a history of prolonged childhood trauma are at greater risk of developing many chronic medical diseases and certain autoimmune disorders or cancers, my question is to what extent the upcoming sessions or membership in NICAMB will benefit someone like me who wants to help bridge the gap between physical health & what we now know are trauma-induced brain disorders. A lot of thoughts are percolating through my brain right now! My personal experience with CPTSD provides me with invaluable understanding, which I now know was the journey I was designated to travel in fulfilling my calling to the healing arts. Thanks to you all for being on the cutting edge.
NICABM is very impressive in its ability to structure this complex material in a way practitioners can understand and put into practice. Traumatic Invalidation is a neat phrase to consider how this trauma develops (and its expression through Fear of Abandonment Network, and a Social Network).
I have always seen BPD as a trauma issue (perhaps, not only BPD ) so it is good to hear how it can be renamed as a Complex PTSD issue. People who present with Borderline Personality Disorder characteristics can get so easily missed and ‘mis-treated’ even in their therapy. By redefining BPD as trauma related we can see immediately how therapists can reconsider their compassion informed approach (Fisher is so good on this) with them rather than just laying down rigid boundaries and potentially re-traumatising them.
Dr Bohus’s findings were very interesting – and they bear our what has been said before about trauma and the importance of being able to tell one’s story – and to be believed! Ruth Lanius had a wonderfully simple 3 step structure for working with Abandonment Trauma and starting with a Safety Establishment phase, I liked the practical examples (which definitely overstepped some ways of doing therapy in the past) using voice recordings and the bungee cord body exercise. This is followed by the reprocessing of the trauma memories and not before. A safe structure. There is SO much here and a lot to take in, hence I will revisit many times. Well done, Ruth Buczynski and everyone!
I am currently working with a company that refers clients. It seems as if there is a very high percentage of clients whose concenrs they wish to resolve involve trauma, usually personal, often early childhood sexual abuse of the worse kind, several with with abandonment issues, witness to DV in the home. Most of these clients are late 30’s to late 60’s. They are all successful individuals. Many are professionals I deem a great deal more educated and intelligent than myself, and I feel privileged to be trusted with their care. I do incorporate guided relaxation/meditation with a loving kindness mantra in many sessions. Clients report benefitting from the experience in which they develop a sense of self compassion as well as feeling of calmness and safety. I also know–I need a great deal more skill and awareness of the needs of the client. I want to provide them with the best possible care. I believe these trainings you offer are valuable, and I hope to attend them somewhere ‘in person’–as I tend to retain more of what is provided when I am present in face to face interactions of groups. Groups also provide questions, answers and information that I may not have discovered otherwise.
I have an important Q for the experts and other licensed therapists. I’m an ordained minister and double certified master life coach. I’ve studied these topics at length through PESI, NICABM, and Psychology Networker and have decided that I want to get my LMFT credentials. I have one question that is connected to two issues:
First, one thing I keep reading (between the lines) in these programs is that a formal education in psychotherapy tends to pathologize trauma. Yet, as I take more and more courses such as this one, I realize that the pathologizing of trauma may be an outdated approach that many universities have yet to catch up to.
As a healer who wants to stay in the field of spiritual relational support within my organization, I am not interested in pathologizing people and would prefer to limit my scope to relational therapeutic therapies. Can anyone suggest a licensing Master’s program (or any other program) that focuses on and supports trauma-informed care, focusing on more modern, contemporary approaches that are fully in line with IFS, EMDR, attachment healing, using polyvagal techniques, and somatic balancing? I’d love to pursue a degree as a licensed psychologist but don’t want to spend so many hours and dollars learning outdated modalities that would then cause me to continue returning to courses like these to round out the education.
All feedback is welcome. Thank you in advance and thank you for this incredible opportunity to learn deeper ways to help others.
Hi Lily,
Have you looked into Core Process Psychotherapy? I think it could be interesting for you. it can be done as a Master. And if that is too much or too long, a part of it that can be studied separately is Relational Mindfulness. I studied it at the Karuna Institute in the U.K but I think now it happens somewhere else, not sure.
I am a trauma sexual absure abandonment victim who did not exist … ( more than no one took an interest, no one listened- I did not exist to the doctor and nurse who conceived me) …until effective therapy. I learn everyday new triggers, so the more tools I have for awareness, self regulation, experiencing the feelings-the more of me exists.
My imagining holding my hand and the steps leading up to this are most valuable way to get to compassion for a self that never existed.
What helped was to understand therapy can feel unsafe as compassion can awake hunger, desperate loneliness! My 85 yo therapist retired and the desperation was so overwhelming.
Thank you I appreciate all the work invested in providing this!
What Other means:
I am now retired from being both the “Director of Learning and OD” of a large hospital system and leadership consultant in “Neuroleadership.” Careers in which my perceived competence led to my being
“the one in charge” and exasperated traumatic invalidation. My life now is focused on applying the wisdom neuroscience of trauma, and moving forward in every dimension of my new found existence.
Susan
Susan, I love that for you. I whish your healing journey get you were you want to be.
Just want to share an IFS session I did on myself after the 1st module. One of my parts was not having it, writing while I talked to it and the response was like a soft snicker kinda telling me ” sure, go ahead and just start trusting everybody” then… all of a sudden my inner child, an older version of around 10 yrs old maybe? I´ve been working on, came to my rescue. It was just fascinating. She was there giving me moral support and being with me. We convinced it to at least listen for a second and I was glad it worked but I still need to come back.
I am a complex and narcissitic trauma survivor.
Has anyone had a similar situation? 🙂
This made session made me think of the complex trauma associated with boarding school survivors. They in particular are dealing with 2 networks described here. 1. The fear of abandonment network 2. Social rejection network (bullying)
Boarding school survivors went to sleep in hyper arousal and woke up in hyper arousal. Always scanning for danger
Traumatic invalidation is also a big issue with boarding school survivors. Homesickness (abandonment trauma) was always treated as something to get over. It seems boarding school survivors fit closely to BPD.
As I was listening to this module and reading your comment, what comes to mind is Amber Heard and Paris Hilton´s cases.
I really enjoyed yesterday’s training and found it very validating and reinforcing. I have been in the field 22 years, and was told about very rigid boundaries with people with BPD. Luckily, where I came to work, my supervisor was wiser and coached me on the abandonment issues and what the client was really needing. I ended up with a woman who had fired, or been “fired” by every psychiatrist in town. She had both BPD and Bi-Polar disorder, making it a bit difficult to weed out what was driving what. I focused a lot on the BPD and the idea of abandonment. She came from a wealthy family whose mother was not interested in children and left her with a nanny who was very strict, mean, verbally abusive exacerbating her feelign of abandonment. At the advice of my supervisor, I gave her 5 minutes a day on the phone (I’m here for you) and on vacation, pre-recorded positive voice messages. We did parts work with the little girl who was left alone so many times. None of her relatives were supports for her; they stayed as far away as possible, of course reinforcing her abandonment. She did have a sweet husband. However, she used to scream at him and throw dishes at him…at one point, we even met for couples sessions and reframed some of their issues helping him to understand her fears, but also helping her understand his perspective as well. Sadly, she died of kidney failure at 60, but in the meantime, her quality of life improved immensely and she even did better with her husband.I’m so glad I did not repeat the pattern of her caregivers. I wish that every new clinician could take advantage of your training. Thank you!
Excellent presentation ps by all speakers. And a very generous gift for free. I’m a psychoanalytic psychotherapist. It has given some valuable insights and information from experienced therapists. Many thanks.
Arshi Haque
When taking the history if they say there has been no abuse or trauma, asking the question: when growing up were either of your caretakers/parents ever frightening, was the other parent afraid of the frightening parent? So you had a traumatic experience as a child. Another stand out about internalizing the attachment figure by recording a relaxation exercise with therapist voice that they can listen to anytime, it’s in their control and perhaps do the same with other close relationships. Yet another stand out is the three steps, the first creating a predictable framework for Therapy the importance of that, then have the client form an internal representation of people closest to them like with the voice recordings and then processing the abandonment. The reframe of BPD as trauma related, looking at what driving the behavior what was the traumatic stress, Such as maternal withdrawal that probably happened in the first 18 months And they show up by 20 in ways like substance abuse, antisocial personality order, dissociation , impulsive self damaging etc., which can be clues to consider early trauma and treat from there.
The brief description of the deep brain re-orienting with the shock response of being left and considering the body parts that may orient for that, work with those and then do EMDR.
Very helpful.
As appealing as imagining holding the inner child’s hand is, many clients have a lot of trouble with using their imagination. What would you suggest for that?
You can ask them to elicit the Sense of how It would feel, not necessarily in a visual way, but in an emotional Sense, or just drive their thoughts to that image or Situation. With Time they might develop imagination skills. I hope It helps!
JANICE DAVIES, a Peer Support Worker (also counsellor) in an Adult Mental Health team in England.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS MODULE! I have been off work for 7 months following a really traumatic incident whilst supporting a client at work. (My job is using my “lived experience” to walk alongside people recovering from trauma). I knew when I reported back to the multidisciplinary team meeting, I had an extreme overreaction to their lack of response to the details I needed to report, and I have spent many many hours trying to work out what was going on in me. But tonight you have given me the answer and I am so so grateful!
I have a history of very extreme trauma inflicted on me since birth, and probably whilst in the womb. The “professionals” total lack of any response during the MDT meeting triggered some very deep scars of abandonment. Now I understand my extreme reaction, I can handle and recover.
I work with people in the community with all sorts of complex trauma. The information in this session validated for me things I have long suspected (origin of BPD, etc.) but since I don’t do clinical trials I can’t “prove”. The one situation I am still looking for tools to work with is how to calm the sheer terror of people whose actual lives were threatened in the womb that makes attachment even to self pretty difficult. If all a person hears when they go to that place that was supposed to be safe and secure is their own screaming I’m wondering if folks in that situation might be better assisted to step outside of the terror by psychedelic drugs. Nervous system is so aroused it’s hard even to be heard. Sort of like trying to have a conversation with someone while their house is on fire.
You might look into Emmanuel Experience, Theophostic Prayer Ministry, or Trauma Releasing Exercises.
do you know any good practitioners of this in NYC?
-Ed Smith-Transformation Prayer Ministry, iatm@theophostic.com
-Immanuel Healing Prayer- Karl Lehman, MD, Immanuel approach.com
I wonder about all this in the context of working with adolescents. How is this work different with them then with adults since brain development, abstract thinking, and maturity are different. The internal representation concept is wonderful. I am going to work on that with two of my clients. Remembering window of tolerance. What I know a person is capable of and what the person sitting in front of me is capable of could be two very different situations. and the questions Dr. Fisher presented, “Could you…” allows for the idea of caring without the “true” threat of caring as a person builds compassion and vulnerability inside themselves. Thank you once again for this great presentation!
Fantastic I was diagnosed with borderline personality in the 1990s I felt so much shame. I wish i heard this tal then as i didnot know what to do being a nurse and social worker. Now i feel more self compassion this organisation nicabm hasopeed me to so many modalities and ways to understand myself i belive now i am becoming more and more my Authentic self and it is helping to move towards wholeness in God. I searched in faith organisations and was so happy when your solutions were so similar to my faith based orgs. Thus heart sync has helped me too as a believery and agapeencounter also has helped me immensely which your healing and talks you present does not have any conflicts with the Godly. your work and the God work does not conflict so i am so happy
thanks so much And god bless
A beautiful and compassionate reframe of BPD that always seems to have such a bad wrap. Teaching clients self-compassion, and talking to the inner child at the end of the session so the client feels safe to separate and leave! Lack of maternal involvement and withdrawal at infancy. Many thanks.
I already use a lot of this in my practice. However this training gave me some ideas on how to incorporate abandonment exercises into my treatment of abandonment trauma and words to use instead of compassion which often triggers my clients with abandonment issues.
Thankyou, I live in Mexico. I plan to use the meditation, its a great idea! And plan to make a visualization to infancy where my client as an adult assists his inner child when reviving abuse.
My biggest take aways were the activities that we could use. Especially recording your voice for the client and the other one shared with the bungee cords and swirling chair. It highlights the non-traditional ways we can assist our clients.
The reframe on BPD was an interesting take away for me. I will need to go back and re-listen to this segment.
Another great one, loved it! Love hearing from these experts! Question though; we talk a lot about early childhood, but also a lot of sexual trauma begins/occurs in early adolescents, do we expect the same impact? Especially if there’s already abandonment issues from early childhood.
Also, the “social abandonment” could be experienced by a child not only from disbelief or invalidation, but also if there’s a large amount of time between the event/period, and the “confession” it happened. If a child doesn’t have the validation right away, doesn’t understand what happened and feels ashamed for a long period of time, dealing with it on it’s own, it’s denying or invalidating his/her self, right? How much harm is done in such a period? I rarely hear people talking about this, but see it so much in clients.
You bring an excellent point about time passed and the “confession” and I see it often in my clients also. It actually just happened to a client in my practice. I think their reaction or harm done depends on their level of support in their childhood environment and in their current environment and how healed from their abandonment trauma they are. But I also don’t hear or see much about this in the literature or trainings. The reaction I have personally seen is a grief or loss response. What is your experience?
Martin Bohus did mention the CSA survivors separated into 3 groups: validated, invalidated, and never told anyone. He said the invalidated and never told both became CPTSD.
I’m a bit bitter: I told and told and told even giving literature to my numerous therapists over a 40! year span — with virtually NONE offering the validation and emotional affect I needed to start healing. It was always interpretation and insights and intellectualizing my painful issues with NO emotional sense of genuine warmth or real understanding as Dr. Fisher and the others spoke of. It’s as if I were a book narrative and they were in a literature class giving their explication. Very sad. So even when one “tells, ” it is crucial that the therapist really “gets” the emotional turmoil and suffering that their patients are experiencing on the inside. As one commenter above said (paraphrase) – a therapist needs to be fully committed. — That takes A LOT of work. It’s easier to interpret. Thanks for your clarification.
What a brilliant session, thank you. I found the information on maternal withdrawal and affect particularly interesting for my work with Mothers and infants affected by inter-generational trauma. It’s given me a lot to think about and hopefully introduce some new strategies when I complete my home visits.
Biggest take-away: There is a process to getting clients be compassionate to their selves. Self-compassion, although it sounds simple, is not grasped the same way by individuals with trauma who do not have an understanding of a safe and loving environment.
I love the suggestions for therapeutic intervention. Understanding this is one thing, but teaching it to our clients can be more challenging. Thank you for this resource!
I felt abandoned as a child, it was my perception. I am a Leo by my natal chart, Libra rising. Why do I mention this? Because I feel it plays role in how I perceive the world. In general, children are supposed to be cared for, provided safety. I needed more attention, more emotional interest in my upbringing, more comfort in asking for help, I needed to feel equal, not down-spoken. Despite all of this, I grew up resilient and strong, will-powered to extend where I feel I overreach… and feel unconfident at a slight sign of rejection. I acknowledge this, and I live with it. I never thought of rejecting of anything of my character, it’s all mine, it’s not perfect and I am working to resolve it through different means. I became hypnotherapist, and now studying astrology and tarot cards. Unscientific? Outside of the box? Yes! I have been in science for many years, and it’s new me emerging. It’s good to have wide view of how to solve the challenge.
This is my second time reviewing this material which has many significant insights. I especially appreciate the insight of the inside job… having a client with CPTSD/BPD begin by building/repairing the internal attachment with their younger selves, ideally before attempting to help with external attachment or simply offering a compassionate approach, or coregulation which may feel unsafe for this client at the outset.
This helps the client who often does not have a strong sense of center/self begin to remember/feel who they were and who they might be or become now, ideally stimulating growth of self-compassion which can then be applied to the present-day adult self. The use of the imagery of sitting with and perhaps putting ones arm around, holding hands with, embracing or speaking with one’s younger self is very powerful!
The challenging affect and behaviors which often accompany CPTSD/BPD repel and create distance or hardness in others (including therapists) who then may struggle to feel compassion for said client as they present. Here both the client AND the therapist are redirected toward having compassion for the innocent younger child involved. A good work around for both!
The swirling chair technique sounded really interesting, as well as the holding the imagined hand of the psychologically wounded former child in themselves. Also so interesting about how immediate invalidation of childhood trauma by a caretaker can allow trauma to take root. I think it’s because they are not allowed a chance to emotionally process their experiences. I personally don’t think it’s a death threat, rather than a threat to the honouring of their very existence and identity as a person who has basic needs. Many thanks!! Loved this.
I WAS COMFORTABLE WITH THE 3 STEP APPROACH, AND talking about in
trauma and compassion and vulnerability. Very clear methods and safe as possible. EMDR for mind, brain and body shift-emotional.
Thank you for all the help to others and the safety involved in holding a
young child’s hand.
Thank you for this great knowledge. I will use visualization techniques for creating new experiences of safety & connection within the internal parts (IFS). This is what the healthcare in Sweden’s needs. 🙏🔥
What a great session. A lot of new insights for me. The biggest take away for me is to share with my fellow workers that we are triggers to the abandonment trauma of our youth! So we have to rethink our response to the girls in our residential care. Heal with empathy!
It is very structured, empowering and advanced materials with such famoust and respectful speakers. I have shared ideas with colleagues and even clients which helped them better understand themself and processes in their life. I have tryed already just one technick and it brought triumpatic shift in patient’s state. THANK YOU
My biggest insight is that it’s important to install internal representations of close and safe people before processing the abandonment. Makes so much sense and explains why it’s not possible to do it effectively before. Thank you!!!!!
Very nice broadcast. Thank you.
I have a close relative who might have BPD and the illuminating insight about it being a trauma based issue, not a personality disorder, could be life changing. Thank you.
I understand that: 1. hyperarousal is a symptom of abandonment; 2. client may move to hypoarousal if bids for connection are ignored continually; 3. hypoarousal is often the symptom of neglect
I don’t understand what the difference is between abandonment and neglect, other than the difference in timing of when hypoarousal tends to occur.
Wonderful. This material could be progress for what is rolling out
in people who are in a loop of denial of wrongdoing when criticized, defensive
to the point of screaming, and constantly confirming they are the best….
You might think of TRUMP as a current example.
I agree that what was once called Borderline Personality Disorder
should be bundled with all PTS orders. Trauma comes from an infinite
number of places, has an infinite number of faces.
With increased population, attachment issues, ethical breakdown and
strangely isolation, seem to increase.
A very insightful presentation.
The “parentification” element clearly articulated. I did some research into the unacknowledged trauma of “Competent Non-Disordered Adults Of Parents with a Serious Mental Illness” (CaN-ACOPSMI) – very easy to read. People just need to Google my name, Suzette Misrachi, to obtain it for free. Often people with such a background were parentified. I write for psychiatrists and once they publish each short article I then put it on medium for the general public for free. I wrote one on parentification. It was challenging to connect this process with trauma in ways others may not have realised… So glad parentification was covered!
I experienced sexual abuse, and my mother did not believe me. Scolded me and said I made it up. I was sexually assaulted as a young woman–and the police did not believe me and swore at me. Whenever I start to fear some threat–I also immediately fear my complaint will lead to rejection. In therapy when Covid first broke out, my therapist was afraid of infection and death from Covid. I, on the other hand, was desperately afraid of adverse reactions to vaccines since I had over 35 severe adverse reactions to drugs in my medical history. We were on different sides of the reactions to Covid. My therapist hoped to teach me to mentalize. He wanted me to understand that we could have different ideas about Covid and Covid treatments–and we could still tolerate the relationship despite our different beliefs. We could not influence each other–but it would be OK. I soon found out it was not OK. I felt a deep fear of rejection as an unvaccinated person blamed by my government and blamed for making the world unsafe by spreading infection. I desperately wanted him to understand how painful it was to have my fears dismissed. I hoped that the government would see that a minority of people would die or become disabled by mRNA vaccines–and that vaccine mandates would damage these people and so shouldn’t be enforced. But no, my therapist sided with the mainstream CDC narrative which stated that all deaths experienced right after vaccination were simply coincidences and the vaccines never injured anybody. I wasn’t ready for mentalization. I wasn’t ready (still not ready) to accept that doctors can ignore pain and suffering (as it seemed my therapist was doing). This abandonment lecture was so powerful for me. Yes, if my government rejects me and forces me to get vaccinated–I may very well die. Unless we can bring this fear into the discussion it makes me the elephant in the room. My desperate fear of abandonment is dismissed as a delusion and I am retraumatized. Thank you for giving me a way to have compassion for myself. I have recently argued with my therapist that he should be dealing with my fear of vaccines–even if he believes it is misguided. We are starting the work of repair, and your course is helping me in this endeavor. Thank you.
Diana, You are not alone. I did not choose to take the vaccine(s). I had a miles-long
distrust of and personal proof of instances of allopathic medical abuse, even since
birth. Furthering that history, private Medicare disadvantage groups injured me during
and after covid….I was injected with a serum that damaged my eyes and a second
allopathic doctor, upon our first meeting, almost pulled my leg out of it’s socket, causing
4 days and nights of no end of nerve pain, of swelling and inability to sleep or eat.
My non-approved narrative has almost killed me. You are HEARD.
This has been one of the best sessions so far. A lot good take away ideas on reframing, triggers, engaging with the traumatised portion of the personality. Seeing the trauma from an effect rather than an affect view. Trying to get to the trauma from compassion, and vulnerability is just compounding the affect. Abandonment triggers death response not fight, flight, freeze. Top mature session. Previous has been just beating around the bush.
Peter I like your comment that Abandonment is effect not affect. Spot on.
Wonder if you have kindly turned your patients on to ProDentim
to replace over-brushing… i.e. given them the benefit of the doubt
of prudent self-care.
Thank you so much for today’s session on abandonment. There’s a lot in this session that I need to hear again. My biggest takeaway is Borderline Personality being reframed as a trauma (possibly of abandonment). People know this with animals, that gentle treatment and a gradual approach will result in healing and growth. Somehow one-sided communication works if the person who is speaking can note what they see in their client.
Your referral to gentle treatment of animals made me think of this skilled way of handling a threat to a tennis court from a swarm of bees. They called a bee keeper to move or dispose of a group of about 100 bees that refused to leave the court. The bee keeper arrived and found their queen was dead. The reason they wouldn’t leave was because they can’t abandon their queen. She brought a hive and moved the dead queen into it. All the bees then voluntarily left the tennis court to join their queen in the new hive. But there remained a problem. They had no living queen. What could they do? She took the hive to her place. She needed to merge the bees into another bee colony–but until they got used to their scent they would reject each other and fight. So she put a sheet of newspaper to separate the two hives and left them for a couple of days. When she opened the hives to examine them she found the bees had chewed through the newspaper and joined together into their new colony. This story is exactly how I would like to treat people. No force. No threats. No demonization of anyone (Bad Bees!). Nobody got stung in this narrative because the bee therapist knew what the bees needed to feel safe and what treatment would attract them to change their behavior.
Wow!
Although I appreciate Janina Fisher’s work deeply I must say that with the focal issue being abandonment fears her description of work with the parts left something crucial out: In my work using the Comprehensive Resource Model I NEVER ask the client to leave the part at the end of the session. There is ALWAYS a “tucking in” of the part in a nurturing way into some place IN the client’s body. Usually I ask the part to choose whee they want to be tucked in and coach the “adult” aspect of the client to make that happen and “seal” the opening after providing the part with what they say they might need while in there. I also give homework for the adult aspect to “check in” with the part daily, even for just a minute so that part does not have to feel abandoned again, that the part will feel remembered, important, significant, loved, wanted, etc and this goes a long way in helping shift from fears of abandonment. With dissociative clients very often over time the various parts choose to tuck in together and provide a consistent presence, nurturing interactions with each other. Hope this helps anyone reading.
Otherwise the entire presentation was a great refresher and affirmed what I strive to do and be with clients.
Beautiful way of work! Thanks for sharing!
I have been a psycho-therapist since 1991, and I could not have imagined then the progress the entire profession has made in understanding and treating abandonment trauma. I’m grateful I have lived long enough to see the evolution materialize. This changes everything. Thank you for the excellent presentations.
the discussion on how receiving validation from the clinician precipitates an even more powerful need for connection in the BPD client, and how it’s important not to shame the client for having that response…this is gold. I used to get so angry when people would callously call someone a squeaky wheel. It’s squeaking for a reason! oil it before you lose the wheel! Don’t get angry/overwhelmed because its squeaking. Obviously a lay oversimplification but this was powerful for me.
The insight that our empathetic/compassionate expressions can trigger a BPD client by awakening their feelings of “desperate longings” behind the terror and fear of abandonment and, therein, the behaviors associated with BPD. Wonderfully insightful! This helps me realize and appreciate the benefit of working with IFS parts of client and coaching their self understanding.
this! yes!
The discussion about talking to a younger self was powerful. I have used this in my work. It was a turning point in my therapy but I continued to have a deep, painful sadness with the idea of leaving that part of myself behind. It brought on so much distress. I then decided to “bring that part of myself along with me”. I imagined my 10-year-old self next to me, smiling, enjoying being with me, and finding comfort. I did the same with other parts of myself at various ages. During a reiki session, I could feel the parts of myself around me and felt comforted, as a child for the first time in my life. Being able to bring them along helped me continue to grow and work through abandonment, and not feeling unconditional positive regard as a child.
As a grad student and as someone who works with abused and neglected children, I hope to use some of these ideas in my trauma and abandonment work with others.
Useful to understand the rationale for threat of abandonment survival strategies being geared toward attachment and connection. This new term of Traumatic invalidation really brings a new perspective to the experiences of some clients I work with and how they are affected.
Ruth is so right about this work changing the world. I expect to see some of that progress when I go to encourage women in Bulgaria next month … then extend to my international connections.
I’m so glad this series found its way into my internet world, just the right balance of scientific information, professional illustrations, and personal insights. Thank you.