When a client erupts in anger, what’s really going on?
While anger is a normal and sometimes necessary emotion, it can escalate all too quickly once triggered.
And that can lead to devastating choices and consequences.
In the video below, ten experts share their perspectives on what drives anger, and how they approach it.
Take a look – it’s under 5 minutes.
What are some strategies you’ve used when working with a client’s anger? Please tell us about it in the comment section below.
Can anyone help me to understand why I sometimes have the feeling of anger coming up to my throat and making me feel like vomiting. It came up every time I watch on TV and there are so many images that I had seen showing corpses carried into a van, and those felt creepy, and these pictures are still hanging on and crippling on me. I stopped watching the news from Ukraine. My nights are not disturbed by those images, just only when I am awake and I do believe it is because of those horrific images that leave and imprint in my brain. I don’t know what to do to get rid of them. I feel it in my body, I see those crippling images mentally even if it is not on my screen. I feel very disturbed by those. I get angry and there is not much to do about this. It feels like those corpses of all sizes are still alive and moving and don’t get off my back. I feel the scratchy in my back that I carry wherever I go. Is it a dissociate phase that I am experiencing and not knowing what it is? I don’t take medication and never had because it never happened before until those viewings of dead body corpses. I tell myself those are hallucinations. But it has been only three weeks and I thought of going to counseling and I just can’t afford the payment. I have no insurance.
Hi,
I have registered for the class on working with trauma and abandonment. When would I be able to access them please ? Thank you.
I feel like I may lose my mind with the anger and rage I feel about everything and everyone, including myself. I wasn’t ‘allowed’ to feel angry as a child and now this is the first time I’m really connecting with it and it’s horrible. I can’t verbally express being angry with someone so take it out on myself and self harm. I don’t know what to do to get rid of this feeling. I feel like I may just explode one day. It’s really so horrible and because I don’t want to harm others with it’s possible effects I isolate and that doesn’t help either. What do I do? ?
It is so great that you are getting in touch with the one in you who is angry. I use Inner-Relationship Focusing to come into contact with all my parts. As my rageful parts energize, I allow them to share with me violent FANTASIES of hurting people, or to write nasty letters (that I do not send). My therapists tell me that getting in touch with my true internal rage is a vital step towards my reempowerment. If I can physicalize by, for example, pushing something over, or biting (a pillow), or hitting with a bat, so much the better. Ripping up magazines is really good. Just direct the anger OUT instead of at yourself. Towards yourself, acceptance, comfort, nonjudgement and soothing are good. I accept my wounded parts AND I accept my angry parts. My only rule is to keep it in imagination or controlled physical aggression, so that I don’t impulsively act from anger in real life.
Dear Bernice,
Most beautiful gift you have right now is awareness.
It is everything.
I think that me too I was unable to express anger as a child due to the circumstances.
I honestly didn’t know that I had been bottling it up.
I have been on a journey and I woke up to realise that my life is about challenges, in that I can’t hide anymore, once I face issues and set boundaries then that person (bully,toxic person) goes away.
But jeekers, more and more stuff keeps appearing, it makes the self put down boundaries and value thy self bit more.
Once you are aware of these patterns then I feel part of you, the other self gets annoyed and gets angry with the self that doesn’t want to change the patterns in that moment, basically just need to stand back for second, take a bit of time out but promise yourself a clear outcome. One where you express your disappointment for example, don’t use blame either, just be clear and precise.
Stand up for yourself. Journal about it later and then look back and be proud that it’s one step forward.
I just started therapy here in Ireland for the first time.
In preparation for my next session next week I felt I needed to be clear about the session in that I needed to organise my thoughts, anger, hurt into themes or examples rather than walk in and be all over the joint.
I recommend something useful that I did the other day. I got out some large coloured cards and I started doing bullet points and comments on certain themes like bullies in my life, plus I explored certain examples.
I kept writing with a marker.
I then re read what I wrote and then wrote some more, I ended up figuring some things out.i l took a deeper look.
I came up with four clear statements, two are below.
Honouring thy self
Loving thy self
The day after I was down, bit tired, like I released something from the system.
I was just like you know what I don’t want to be identified with the past anymore.
I want to be identified with a new me and a new future.
This is a great intention to set.
Along the way be kind to thy self while working through the history of your anger.
I found this very helpful and I hope you do also.
Best of luck.
Kevin J. Waters, yesterday I left a fairly long comment on my coming to terms with my Anger,&, the path which I wound up traveling to get to recognize,(know), my anger, where, how it posed my life, Until … well to night I was again visiting,&, was totally thrilled to see some very familiar faces on your mindfulness study page! People like Jack Kornfield,&, Tara Brach, pardon my spelling…. these are just two of many,some of the Elders,Pema Chodron, Thich Nhat Hanh………. Through this path,&, practices daily, I now know that what ever i say, or do has my signature on it……. It was a delightful stop here tonight !
Kevin relates to the mind/body/medicine, in that through the course of many episodes, (years), of searching for the “Cure” for my Chronic Pain, Drugs, Therapy’s, treatment ctrs. an so on until rock bottom, a world of despair, destructive loneliness, I was Touched, &, Introduction to a well known 12 step program, which soon aroused my interest in the possibilities of “Other, Mind, Body, Medicine” facilities in existence ! It took some yrs. of sobriety to clear the mind, up to start a seriously investigition ,more,&, more, alternative ……. finally I wound-up at a MAT,facility,( Medicated Assisted Therapy), with a number of yrs. sober, became introduced to meditation, Mindfulness, & Managed care for my mental health meds. My Point Being That for Me …. Mind/ Body Medicine, truly represents, “A BALANCE” in my life. I’ve taken the best of Western Inspiration, &, Merged it with Eastern Spirituality,or spiritual growth, to put me on Thich Nhat Hanh’s path of “Enlighten Buddhism ” Which to me means, a Never ending Exam of the Spiritual being in the Human Form.
Hi to every single one, it’s genuinely a pleasant for me to go to
see this website, it includes helpful Information.
Excellent perspectives! Thank you all. I have found that anger is sometimes a secondary emotion experienced after a person has felt sad or threatened. It seems people feel angry in order to protect themselves from feeling sad or vulnerable. I often ask my clients to consider where they believe the anger is coming from in their experiences and what the anger is trying to do for them. Often, my clients admit they feel sad or afraid. Anger seems to offer them protection.
You hit the nerve with looking at the Anger as a secondary emotion ( in client and ourselves).
Sadness, inability to process and validate hurt ,awakens Sense of The Self being denied in that moment.
Basics human rights are denied by conditional learned behavior:
“ We do not get too sad or upset simply because anger is not to be feel!!!! Let’s alone shown””
Suppressing brings anger and anger brings ( yes rage, loss of control ), but I wonder what is really happening inside and what comes out???
Yes, anger is a secondary emotion, most often rooted in disappointment/hurt. When I’m angry, I know I’m disappointed/hurt or a boundary has been violated.
I do two things, depending on circumstances. For one thing I knowledge that there are good reasons for the client to be angry. What is the underlying clarity within the storm of anger? The clarity is always there; the anger is egos push. Secondly, I ask the client to feel it, where it is in their body and to stay there. It might be the first time that they have ever actually felt anger.
I am a mental health professional at the MA level. I went to see a Clinical Psych for personal therapy. This became an explosive situation because she could not acknowledge or validate my anger. “If she was mirroring” it was shaming, frightening, and terrifying since I have chronic PTSD. She did several things that made it worse, like refusing to explain treatment, refused to discuss her background, silent treatments, withholding critical information, no written informed consent. or HIPAA. She would not even smile. Later refused professional consultation or to release my medical records. She billed my insurance company and terminated me after forty-eight sessions with a hostile email.
To make a long story short this created tremendous suffering in both of our lives. I had a complete relapse after twenty-five years of stability. This resulted in board complaints (still pending), insurance complaints and an investigation by HHS OCR. She did agree to a plan of correction with HHS. She violated my rights and how many others? I share this story because therapists need to know that as clients we are very vulnerable and need to have information. I was not protected, as she explained, “because I already knew all that stuff”. Yes, I did know all the regs and ethics, however I did not know her. As a client a therapist is just that, a client, and we have the same mental health rights as anyone else.
As a counselor, the work I do in the front line is to follow the treatment plan for the client. Sometimes lots of patience but also “supervision” because it is very client-focus approach, involving the therapeutic team and the family members, which means the parents. The services are renewable and complaints are considerable. So, what I did to take care of myself successfully or in an inefficient way was to have some extra supervision for myself. It was what I needed to be supportive and helpful. I can truly understand your point.
Anne your words are so important to be heard.
I am currently doing my MA in psychotherapy and counseling which I extended 2 years now!!!
I mean to start officially and stay longer then 4 months coming to university!!!!
Therapy I have been receiving for last 15 years, different modalities and approach on the scale close to brainwashing, experimenting without my consent.
Sorry for going in 4 directions,
I am petrified of being honest about me and my personal life to my supervisor!!!!!!!!
Vulnerability is one but my professional life and future being in the hands of other human being I find difficult to accept.
Anne I am sorry that this happened to you. All I can say is you can take this experience and use it for your benefit in knowing what kind of clinician that you do not want to become! Take this experience and use it to help you remember how fragile the human psyche is and what damage can be done if the clinician is not compassionate or ethically stable. I hope that you are able to regain your passion for this work and always remember that you can chose what kind of clinician you would like to be. I believe that you will turn this experience into a positive learning opportunity so that you can provide a great service to your clients!! Not every clinician will have what it takes to be successful and they will not all have the capacity to show compassion. It sounds like this person is burnout and might need to retire!
I find many of the comments inaccurate and disturbing
When I have a client who is angry, I first of all listen to what they are saying about what or who makes them angry. I look for cognitive distortions (all or nothing thinking, should statements, emotional reasoning, etc.) and also for false beliefs – which are not working to their advantage or which do not fit a picture of reality (people dont accept me because I am ……..).
I then acknowledge that they are feeling angry and explain that anger is a normal human emotion which is more appropriate when their physical self is threatened. We explore other words like, hurt, frustrated, dismissed, disappointed or resentful. We talk about how these are pay offs rather than becoming passive, helpless or a victim. These are often survival tools they learned as a child to cope with threatening situations.
We then talk about how when we point the finger at someone or something, they have all the power. We are waiting for them to change things so we can feel better. I teach them to point the finger back at themselves and identify what they bring to the situation – because they are in control of their thoughts, emotions and behaviour and that therefore brings the power back to them. Using CBT we reframe the events, try on new behaviours (homework) and focus on where they want to be rather than where they don’t want to be.
In residential, my client would strive to get what they want, or what they think that is what they want and need. The challenges that I encountered is that the suffering whole person by severe ptsd would respond in a very dysfunctional manner. So the most calming successful way was to use post note as sticky on the fridge and set a schedule to sit and journal about the day and address the fears. Seems to give a structure and bring in a new day.
Carl Rogers , on becoming a person, is very client -focus and is my prettied choice. The structure scheduled was for the client to have a quiet time for herself before a social event like movies, bowling, friends. It was just that she/he was not co-operating, some sort of. The reward came only after.
I think that is the choice to make. Sometimes, clients have the freedom to choose in therapy. However, clothing choices can hinder emotional expression, making supervision challenging during residential visits. Patience is essential to seeing further changes unfold, and it can take more than one trip. In my experience, it may take more than one session to occur. This has been my personal experience as I intern and take the LCP exams, and it’s a valuable lesson to keep in mind when we feel frustrated.
i think that being fit and looking more and more from inside out about the anger would be the best approach. Somebody said that it is “an action emotion”… the origin has to be physical in all the senses. Repressed, it would be geared towards an unexpected target. What i have observed in children, is that they do exactly what their body is needing to let it out in the “real time”. Their coping skills are very limited on the contrary. While as adults, there might be some reasoning from the two parts of the brain that would play into how we choose to react. Evidently, this would have to be proved since this is much more science behind this that my background is. For me, this topic is the most apprehended but vry useful
I will mirror the angry expression initially in a show of empathy. I find this often calms the person a bit and then they feel safe talking more and expressing more of their thoughts and feelings in addition to anger. As the client (or could be a friend) begins to express what is underneath the anger, we can have a conversation. In the conversation I am able to ask clarifying questions to gain some understanding about what triggered this individuals feelings and expression of anger. As we go through this process, the person can hear himself/herself and often can begin to get beneath the anger and get some clarity on the situation. Although this does not always work..I find that it often does and it gets to the source more quickly. It also helps to de-escalate the outward expression first shown by the person at the outset.
I found all the comments by the persons in the video very insightful and helpful. Great understanding and clarity. the comments below are also enlightening…Anger indeed is a secondary emotion. finding what is underneath can be so productive and lead to important social change.
One aspect of being angry that was not mentioned is the relationship to the physical constitution to how anger is experienced and expressed. People with rapid metabolism are more likely to express anger if they do not eat for too long. People wuo are very thin are more likely to experience anger as despair, those people need to be able to experience righteous anger.
Holistic nurses published an article many years ago describing a method of dealing with an angry, critical patient . The technique is to Center yourself and imagine how you feel about someone that you love very much and then practice feeling that way about the angry patient.
To listen VERY carefully with empathy…they have something very important to say. When that anger abates through expression then you have a platform to look at what is happening with the client.
Before they present with Anger agree with them that they want me to help them notice its coming so that they can learn the early warning signs (somatic) and then they can have more options to take control (“working from the bottom of the brain up”).
For myself, my anger is “a secondary emotion,” always stemming from a “primary” feeling of hurt, real or perceived. My anger is mobilized to protect me from re-feeling the hurt, or being re-injured emotionally; and from a place of “retaliation in the face of hurt.” To feel hurt, angry, and to not outwardly react; but to respond both appropriately and effectively, is my ideal. Not feeling the hurt by intensifying the anger resulting from it, denies an opportunity for me to grow, to learn about myself and ‘the other,’ and to channel or to use anger as a sharp tool, pointing 180 degrees away from my own hurt; it helps me know where to look to ‘aim’ my best healing efforts: not at the anger, at the hurt.
Specifically: Thank you for the image of “discharge” of emotional strength-building opportunities presented by anger! Levels: Hostility, Anger, Healthy ‘processing’ of strong emotions!
I explain to the client that anger is a secondary emotion to protect from feeling hurt/scared/confused/not in control and try to understand the underlying feeling. I also praise an expression of anger toward me in the session as a valuable clue to an area that we need to explore.
The outpouring of anger reflects the more vulnerable feelings of hurt. So I ask them to tell me about what the hurt is all about. Usually all of that hurt has been built up over time, with my client thinking that if they just “go along” with their partner, they’ll eventually get their opinion taken. The problem, of course, is that this guarantee doesn’t happen. Then the resentment builds even more as they try to diffuse it by complying. Teaching and practicing how to express their “anger” in real time is crucial. Then they know that it’s better to reveal it, not conceal it.
I will often briefly check in with myself as to how I am experiencing this anger and attempt to lower my possible reactivity before quite simply reflecting back what I see, hear and feel the client experiencing, as a way of validating the emotion, giving it an entirely legitimate presence in the room, inside the person, in the air between us, just right here, right now, and entirely at home in the present moment. I want to engage with that anger as an underheard entity.